James - I think this has potential but i find a few things distracting. 1. the change of tense, even within the same paragraph, breaks the reader's ability to go wtih the threads of the story. 2, the change of view point is also confusing to the reader. 3. the girl's attitude is inconsistent wtih no satisfying links to show how/why she hanged- slowly? - was she teasing him? 4. vocabulary: "dear need of love"? and there are a couple of missing apostrophes.
On the whole, your writing is clear and strong; the sentence length is nicely varied but I'm not convinced you were clear in your own mind, exactly what you wanted to say.
I appreciate the attitude of this poem: taking stock of the person you have become because of life experiences but, in my opinion, there are some technical problems. Poetry is often intended to be read by others so writing poetry does not necessarily mean we can ignore the basic rules of grammar: e.g. "had" in line 3 is out of sync with "have" (line 1) and 'has' (line 3). This causes the reader to pull up and stop reading. Similarly, "hit sore": the reader has to stop and try to work out what you really mean. To have two jolts like this in such a short poem spoils the flow. Personally, I like to use punctuation, even in poetry, because it assists the reader to understand the meaning. Imagine this written as a prose paragraph: where would you want punctuation? Have you tried a period at end of line 1, or perhas an exclamation mark? Finally, I find the last line jarring due to the inverted placement of 'off". Is "Dust myself off" more rythmic for the reader? I think we have to remember the reader in writing poetry more so than in prose. Poetry needs to be read aloud. Please accept these suggestions as well intended. Perhaps use them as thinking points to be used or discarded as you wish. Keep writing; we learn by practice and reading aloud.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/annfor
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:58am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
