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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a beautifully written free-verse poem. I appreciate the imagery and the overarching metaphor, and I love the phrase "the busy-ness of insignificance". I don't have any suggestions or edits, just praise. The ultimate goal of poetry is to capture emotions and universal truths, and you've done a good job of that here. There is something calming and hopeful about it. Order in the face of a chaotic world. Thanks for sharing.

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, this is a powerful poem. You've done a great job with the prompt. The line breaks are really effective in setting the meter and emphasizing the rhymes on the right beats. That's not easy to do with free-form poetry. This would be great read out loud as spoken-word / beat poetry, which is it's own style of poetry. I love that the rhyming scheme is more complex than just a/b/a/b end-rhymes.

I also love the concept behind it. We're all dancing with death as we go on living, some days closer than others. I can just feel the twirling and the push and pull of the dance. Even the meter has a kind of back-and-forth sway to it, almost like a waltz, that might not be intentional but is quite effective.

My favorite lines, although I do love all of it:
he draws me close, with a beckoning finger
i twirl away, i can not linger
he truly sees me, that spectral shade
every scar, every pain, of all that i'm made

Well done completing the challenge! I hope to see more from you in the future!

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for entry "I am a Dragonfish" Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window. with this cute poem!

My first impression is that this could be in a nature documentary, or an informational book about fish. I think you've managed to capture a similar style and meter as the inspiration song, which I appreciate. To be honest, I had to look up Violet Goby because I don't know that much about fish species. They are a beautiful fish. All my attempts to keep fish, mostly betta fish, have unfortunately failed. I'm a bit jealous of people who can successfully maintain a large fish tank with multiple species. They're so beautiful and fun to watch.

I didn't find any glaring technical issues, so well done! I do wish there was a little more behind it, maybe a metaphor or twist, for example you could lean into the "dragon" in the name and bring in imagery or references to fire-breathing (or maybe water-breathing) dragons, but it's a well done poem either way. I can tell you're a lover of animals and nature, as am I.

Congratulations on successfully completing the challenge!

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for entry "Heroes and Villians" Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering the "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window. with this short story. You're the first to submit something for a song prompt. I like the direction you took with the prompt, making it a classroom setting with a lesson about heroes and villains, then we have Felicia who is a heroine and the bullies who are villains. It's a good concept for a story.

I noticed there's a typo (I think) in the beginning paragraph where say "Felicia groaned as he just walked in through the door, but had read the chapter the night before". I think you mean "she" right? Some of the dialogue feels a little unnatural to me, for example, "Since school is over then you could do this real quick before getting on the bus to go home" feels awkward and not necessarily something a teacher would say. Also, Mrs. Cattail seems like the kind of teacher who would at least cell her parents and send Felicia to the school nurse, especially if she had a black eye and lost consciousness. That seems pretty serious to me. But I do understand the point that bullying is too often overlooked and ignored.

Besides that, I enjoyed this story and it has a good message. I'm glad Felicia found a friend and it has a relatively happy ending! Congrats on completing the One-Line Lyric challenge!

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for entry "I Melt Away" Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for your entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window.! I really like this one. The repetition in each stanza works well, each stanza kind of gives the line a different context. It seems like each stanza is capturing a different emotion, first lonely, then happy, grief and anger. But it also seems like the emotions are all connected by some overarching event. A lot of times, strong emotions like these come together and come in waves.

I like that you took this in a new direction from the original song. In my mind, "I melt away" gives an image of losing yourself in your own feelings and being swept away by them.

Overall, a well written poem that definitely meets the criteria for the challenge. Well done!


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Review of My Thoughts  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge with this little vignette! You're the first person to pick their own line from the lyrics, and I think you picked a good one. I understand the feeling portrayed here, sometimes thoughts don't need to be shared. Even in a close relationship, it's important to keep some things that are your own.

I kind of wish we had more information about the relationship between these two. It seems like we've walked in on a moment between them but there's still some open questions. And I think fleshing out the relationship a little bit would give more weight to the characters. I do like the dialogue. As short as it is, it manages to convey a lot of character. However, we still know almost nothing about the guy that the main character is talking to.

Overall, well done with the challenge. Thanks for the support!
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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A powerful message in a well written form. Well done! The line breaks are well placed to set the meter and it flows quite well. A great example of free-form poetry done right. Some folks may argue that punctuation is needed, but I think a poem like this stands on it's own and the flow is directed by the line breaks instead of punctuation. So I don't think it needs it, and in fact might be distracting.

I hope the gun ghosts do haunt the halls congress until something is done.


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Review of Ultimatum  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for your entry to the One-Line Lyric challenge! I love the direction you took the prompt in, with this story about hoarding disorder. You incorporated the prompt line so seamlessly I had to search for it to make sure it actually was included. Well done! The specific details, like "Pioneer Woman dishes" and the toybox, really paint a picture. The characters each have a clear personality and motive / goal in their interaction.

The dialogue is pretty good, although I think the big paragraph of Tim's rant near the beginning could be broken up into smaller chunks. Perhaps with some character movements or little setting details related to what the characters are doing (ie. stepping over newspaper, hand gestures, picking up or crumpling trash, etc) to break the dialogue up a little more. I also saw one typo: "Perios!" instead of "Period!"

I especially loved the ending. It really brings home the reality of hoarding, how hard it is to change a mindset such as this. As with almost any addiction or compulsion, it often takes hitting rock bottom to actually make a meaningful change. It's very rare that people can do it left to their own devices, even with an ultimatum like this one. It's too overwhelming to even know where or how to start, even if they can admit that there's a problem.

Thanks again for the story and entering my little challenge!

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Review of L'aura del Campo  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering my little challenge! I always look forward to reading your free-verse poetry, and this is no exception. I like how much detail and structure you included, all the people, places and foods give the reader the feel of each unique place. I also appreciate that each stanza is a different location and the poem takes you on a journey. The repetition of the bittersweet line works very well, and each time it has a slightly different context and meaning to the phrase "bittersweet". The use of rhymes is minimal but effective where you did chose to include them (home/alone).

Overall, a unique spin on the prompt and yet another well-written free-verse poem. I hope that you eventually got your hug and are no longer home alone!

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for your entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window.. I really like the theme you chose for this poem, how you twisted the prompt to be about unfit parents who do irreparable damage to their children. A very important topic, indeed. I also appreciate that it seems like this was written specifically for the prompt, instead of adapting something already written to the prompt after.

I think my favorite stanza is:
Those crooks disguised as parents
Steal a lot more than gold
They steal the life of another person
And of many more untold.

I like the ending stanza, too. Really brings the main point home.

There are a few lines that feel a little awkward that could use a bit of rephrasing. Like, "They quite near to reject it" and "But for this brat to be babysat". Although, I do like the internal rhyme of "brat" and "babysat".

The first two stanzas especially could flow a little better, in terms of meter. I would read through out loud and pay close attention to emphasis / rhythm as you go. One example: "I shouldn't exist!" might flow better here as "I should not exist!". Just removing or adding a syllable can make a big difference in the flow. Play around with different phrasings and see which feel more natural to speak.

Overall, well done poem with an important message. I sometimes wish there was a parental license you had to get before having or adopting children. Some people should not be parents, at all.

Great work incorporating the prompt!

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Review of Lin and Rosie  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! This is a cute little story. I like the characters and the relationship between them. I appreciate that you went with a modern long-distance online friendship and turned it a bit romantic. On one side, at least. It's left up to the reader's imagination what Rosie might be feeling about Lin, all we know is the one sided perspective. Will Lin ever tell Rosie her true feelings? We don't know, but we are left hoping that she will.

I get the impression that this relationship is rather one-sided, given the gifts and attention and adoration Lin is giving and not getting much back from Rosie. And given Rosie's tirade in the current story. I almost don't want Lin to confess anything, because I'm afraid it would not go over the way she would want...

I did notice in the dialogue, you often placed the punctuation outside of the quotation marks. Technically, it should be contained within the quotes. For example, "“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding!". I also think there are places where the dialogue could be made a little bit more natural. For example, "Hi, Lin. I am so pissed off at you I could spit nickels." Generally, people aren't as likely to say "hi" or a normal greeting if they're really pissed off. I also try and avoid characters specifically saying what they're feeling, as it's more "telling" and less "showing".

Of course, take that with a grain of salt. Sometimes people do actually say they when they're pissed off, but more often than not it's already very clear from the tone and language and doesn't need to be said. But there are always exceptions, especially in very close / intimate relationships people are more open and explicit about what they're feeling. So just something to think about.

I like your use of the prompt at the very end. It seems very fitting in two ways. She's on a silent sea because she just hung up on Rosie and doesn't have to deal with her tirade anymore. But also, she's on a silent sea because she's at a standstill in her relationship and isn't willing to take the next step for fear it might end the relationship. So for now, she's stuck in limbo on her silent sea, not knowing the answer and not able to move forward.

So, well done on the challenge! Keep writing!

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Review of Once for Thee  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering my challenge "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window. with this lovely poem. The emotion can be felt in each line here. I appreciate the unique imagery as well. I love "the clouds do boil" and "Timeless scroll soaked in brine". Even though there's an ocean theme, I like the line "baked sun, my lips to broil" because it gives off a feeling of being stranded at sea without water or shelter from the sun.

I think the rhyming here is done well. The only thing that stuck out to me is there's two lines don't rhyme, while the rest of the poem does:

You utter a curse Line and verse,
On Silent Sea, the waves do roll.

Probably best to keep consistent with the rhyming scheme. The rest of the rhymes I think work fairly well. I also noticed that the word "do" is used quite frequently, so it might be good to add a little more variety in phrasing.

Overall, good job incorporating the prompt. Well done completing the challenge! I know you didn't do it for the GPs but I will be sending along a merit badge, as promised.

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks again for another entry to the One-Line Lyric challenge with this short little poem! You've managed to incorporate the prompt well, and I like the overall feeling of the poem. I especially like the ending line, "It's a room that's full of nothing but I have to add a little something to it." It fits well with the theme of the song that the prompt came from, which is not a requirement for this challenge but that's OK.

I do think it might be a little TOO similar to the song, many of the lines in the beginning are really just paraphrasing other lyrics in the song. I really encourage you next time to branch out more and write something a little more different than the original inspiration song.

Also, I'd be a little careful with tenses and pronouns here. You start the poem with "you" but then the rest of the poem is first person with "I". I would stick to one or the other, unless there's a reason you need to refer to the reader here. I tend to avoid first person in poetry, unless it's actually a character or another perspective saying "I" and not actually "me". I just feel it's a little too personal when poetry is already such a personal thing. I mean, most people do write poetry about themselves but it's a little less direct if you avoid saying "I" and write the poem as if it's about a third person instead. Poems don't have to be literal or real, and are often better when they aren't.

Just some general suggestions, but well done! Thanks again for entering.
You should receive a merit badge shortly.

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Review of Sign  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,
Your friend tracker recommended that I check out your port so here I am.

I enjoyed this poem! Nice use of analogy and metaphor throughout. The pace is good, the message is clear. Although, I think it's a little funny that you consider the loyal ones to be "dogs" when usually when people refer to men as "dogs", it's not because of loyalty and it's not a good thing. Just a thought I had after reading this. But I also consider myself a dog person, even though I have a cat (who thinks she's a dog).

I didn't notice any mistakes, grammar issues, so well done! The only thing I did notice is that while you use punctuation, it is a little bit inconsistent. For example, the first couple of lines don't really have punctuation, but then the rest mostly do. I would pick one or the other, and either use full punctuation throughout or leave it out. And for a poem like this, I think it does work better with punctuation. Just my opinion. People have differing views about punctuation in poetry.

Just a small suggestion, I don't think you need a line like "It’s true." as it doesn't really add anything to the poem or contribute to the overall metaphor. Including the line, unless it's for the flow, can kind of bog a poem down. Just something to look out for. If a line doesn't have a clear purpose, you can consider taking it out and it will usually make a poem stronger and more direct.

Good job on your first few poems uploaded to Writing.com!
Keep it up, I hope to see more from you.

Anni

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Review of Burger and Fries  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! You suggested I check out this story and I finally had a little time to take a look. What a kind gesture. I'm sure you made that boy's week with your actions, and he'll probably remember that for a while. I hope his circumstances turned around after this. I kind of wish there was a follow up, but I understand that you probably don't know what happened to him after you left. It was a very brief crossing of paths.

Either way, I don't really have any edits or suggestions, I didn't notice anything that took away from the story. Thanks for sharing.

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you so much for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! What a cute little story. I like the twist at the end, definitely was not expecting Billy to say that. Ellie's reaction was very believable. You gave both characters a good amount of personality in such a short space, which is not easy to do. Dialogue feels natural and I think there's just the right amount of it for the length of the story. You managed to incorporate the given prompt well into the story too, which I always appreciate.

My main suggestion is that "It was as if the words released a dam." is a tiny bit of a cliche saying, so you might want to consider finding another way to say a similar thing. Besides that, I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes or anything to correct. Overall, this is a well done short story that's romantic, but in a humorous way.

Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering my challenge! I found this little poem entertaining. I can relate; I also had the song stuck in my head for several days, which is why I chose it this month. I wouldn't be surprised if I started hearing it in my sleep as well.

I'm afraid I don't really see where "My soul I'll not bear" fits in as the title or the last line of the poem. Maybe I'm missing something, I'm just not sure how it relates to the rest of the poem. There probably was an intended meaning there that I'm just not picking up.

I think my favorite stanza out of them would be the third one-- there's a nice sense of humor and the rhymes work well. Although, removing the word "finally" might improve the flow a little bit, and you repeat the same word in the next stanza anyway. There's a few other lines where the flow could be improved, like I think "leaving me alone here" is too many syllables for that line, might work better as just "leaving me here". I'd play around with a few different phrasings until you find one that feels like it fits and flows well when said out loud.

Some rhymes here feel a little bit forced, like the words were chosen only for the rhyme and not for their meaning or importance to the poem (For example, "gong", or even "give me a break" feels a little forced to me. They seem like lines you wouldn't have used except to make the rhyme work). Rhyming poetry is a tricky thing to do and even harder to make it feel natural. Perhaps loosening some of the rhymes a bit will give you more flexibility so you'll have more options and they won't feel as forced.

Just a couple of things to think about, hopefully at least some of that is useful for you. Thanks again for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! This is only the second poetry entry I've gotten, so I was very excited to see it!

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for entry "Poetry" Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a lovely and well written poem. Such vivid imagery really brings the images to life in the reader's mind. I love the concept of the paper being thirsty for ink. There is something very meta about writing a poem about the physical process of writing pen on paper that I quite enjoy. Especially since I'm reading it on a screen, and not on pen and paper. I like to imagine this was actually written out with pen on paper at one point. Well done!

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for submitting another entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window.!
You've incorporated the prompt well here, and this story fits with the song in the prompt.

Grammatically, the only line I noticed was:
I said, "Believe this with all my heart", "Let the river take them all away."

You should either combine the sentences into a single dialogue tag or put the dialogue tag in the middle instead of separating them with a comma.

Example: "Believe this with all my heart," I said. "Let the river take them all away."

Also, it's not exactly clear who the narrator is speaking to here. Themselves? In their head? If it is just in their head and not said aloud, dialogue tags may not be necessary.

I do wish that you included a little more about what worries are weighing heavily on the narrator's shoulders. It's harder for the reader to empathize and feel the feelings of the narrator when they don't know what the worries are. What past wounds need to be sent down the river? It just feels a bit generalized, and I think more specific details and examples would really help draw the reader in. A lot of people feel this way at one point or another, so it is a very relatable topic.

Thank you again for your submission!

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Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for your entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" Open in new Window.! Yours happens to be the first poem that's been submitted, so congrats! And you managed to incorporate the original prompt, too. Overall, this is a sweet poem. I love the idea of a beautiful wedding on the beach and the dolphins returning to watch. Sounds very romantic.

I think that there could be a lot more imagery and less direct statements, especially for a poem. It's really effective to use imagery and metaphors to describe things instead of saying them directly, as you might in prose. Poetry is a bit different than a story. You do have some imagery in the first line with "my blurry eyes were caught up in a dream", and the dolphins are a nice touch. But the other lines are, I think, a bit too much explanation and exposition. For example, instead of saying "the sunset was perfect for a super romantic wedding", you could describe the sunset itself and include imagery and words or themes that relate to a wedding (a ring, white dress, wedding bells, bouquet, etc). That gives a romantic feeling without having to actually SAY that the setting was romantic. And also makes it clear that the setting is a wedding without having to explicitly say that either.

But overall, this is a nice take on the prompt! I do think there could be more of a connection to Jamaica throughout. Just some ideas and suggestions that you can take or leave. Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

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Review of New Orleans Shack  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the concept behind this and the imagery of the lonesome and abandoned houseboat after a hurricane. I especially like how the last stanza is a reverse of the first stanza. That kind of repetition, with just a slight change, works well. Adds interest and really hits home each line of the first stanza again. I do think this line needs a comma to help a little with the flow and the meaning:

In the Louisiana bayou, still tied to a tree
an old houseboat moves as the currents sway,

I think a few of the rhymes feel a little bit forced, particularly "call and beck". The phrase is "beck and call", and switching it makes it feel like it was forced to fit the rhyming scheme. Rhyming in poetry should feel natural and almost invisible, if done right. So you might want to find an alternative there. I also suggest paying attention to the meter / flow of the stanzas, as it feels a little awkward in some places.

Overall, this is a solid poem with a lot of promise! Keep writing!

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Review of The Supremes  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ken,

This is a clever and very timely piece! I like the music theme, and the fact that you called out each Justice out by name. It starts strong with the first stanza and keeps the attention from there. And then ends strong as well, with the call for impeachment.

My favorite stanza is probably:
“No need changing with the times,
we know what’s wrong and right.
The law is clear - there are no crimes
if you are male... and white.”

There are just a few places where I think maybe the meter / flow could be a little bit smoother. For example, Thomas' stanza. I think something about where the emphasis falls in the "his wife is a Trump pawn" line doesn't flow as well with the rest of the stanza, at least when I read through it.

But overall I enjoyed this piece! Obviously, I agree with the message and it's always nice to see someone else put your own thoughts down into words (probably better than you could yourself). Keep up the good work!
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Review of A Dip in Darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like this story and the concept!

There's a great sense of horror and mystery throughout, I enjoy how the group works together and tries to methodically test this unknown void. The ending leaves things very open, as nothing about where the void came from, where the 7 people went, or how everything returned back to normal, is answered in the end. They are just expected to go back to their lives like all of this never even happened. I just imagine them having to explain to police and friends / family that this void came and swallowed up the missing 7 people.

There are some places where there's a bit of "telling" what is happening, where I think "showing" might be even more effective. And there are a few sentences like this one: "He believes this is a joke, it must be" and a lot of "He thinks...". It would be more effective if you stated things like that directly as, "This must be a joke", etc, and leave the "He believes" and "He thinks" out. They aren't really necessary and kind of take the reader out of the story.

Overall, nicely done! This left me wondering and wanting to know more.

Reviewed as part of the July Jubilee Raid for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review of Pretty  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. A perfect snapshot of a pretty, shallow, self-absorbed bully. I love the nod to the whole "Too slow!" high five game the cool kids used to play. It's really very well written.

My favorite stanza is:
"Modest is the queen
The skin is the pawn
Insecure is the rook
Now the bishop is gone"

There's something about it that stuck with me. I'll definitely be reading more of your stuff! Keep writing, you've got talent!
25
25
Review of Daylight Saving  Open in new Window.
Review by Anni Pon Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a well-written poem with beautiful imagery throughout! An accurate snapshot of a moment in time during a very dark year, 2021. It captures the feeling perfectly without really including any specific details. Although I actually love Autumn and don't normally associate it with death and decay, maybe after reading this I will from now on.

I like that it starts out with lots of naturalistic autumn descriptions, then moves on to death and decay in current world events, then zooms out to the scale of stars and eons. Even the stars themselves are disappointed in the state of the world in 2021. And it's all well connected.

My favorite lines:
Daylight saving is ending
But nobody was saved.
The stars in the night sky
Are all beside themselves.

Perfect ending as well. Great work, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

WdC SuperPower Reviewers March Hare

This review is part of a RAID from the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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