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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/antarixa1983
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Review of The Mission  Open in new Window.
Review by Brahmand Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,

Nice storyline. I guess, you are a 'Harry Potter' fan.

I have spotted some errors:

Line 2, Use 'flames' instead of 'flame'

Line 7, put a comma before and after 'it seems'

Line 16, I have a doubt. If the world calls the girl a FREAK at first and then knows that she has indeed joined a witch club, how can it ACCEPT her, as not a freak?

Line 20, 'To contemplate' means 'to think about something' . So, please change the line 'As I contemplated...' to something like this ' I stepped out to the balcony of my room, as I contemplated on the recent events' or something to this effect.

Line 24, I could nto get the meaning of teh work 'phenomena's' as 'phenomena' is in itself a PLURAL form of the word 'Phenomenon'.

Line 29, please use the words 'held captive' instead of 'held kidnapped'.

Line 30, A person is famous/notorious, and not his/her name. So, please change the line to that effect.

Line 31, magic or sorcery is the art of casting spells and other stuff. so, the words 'magic casters' is a bit odd. You could use 'sorcerers' or 'wizards' or 'witches' or even 'spell casters' or something to this effect.

I think one more proof reading will do the story a lot of good.

I guess, it is the first of a series, isn't it? It seems so as the reasons of betrayal is not clear in this one.

Keep writing. Enjoy your journey at Writing Dot Com (WDC).
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Review by Brahmand Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story is very good. The hacker is human! it says. the human mind is fickle and it did give in at last to the always alluring feeling of joy and never ending happiness.

The character is befitting. If you could add a bit more about protcols he used, the infromation on the firewall running on the server he was trying to hack. Did the server firewalls made him crave for more or did his birth-mind? It does make the reader think about the reality we live in.

It does focus on a dangerous trend spread everywhere nowadays -indulgence. And the plot is quite futuristic. Great going. Keep it up.
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