Nice piece that tries to analyze how different people behave when faced with the same situation - the basis of most of psychology. You could work on the last paragraph a bit, on Robert's musings. It's just too short compared to the length of the previous part of the piece.
A few grammatical slips I noticed:
1. In the second paragraph, I think you need to have EXCITED instead of EXITED. And 'LAY in bed' instead of 'LAID in bed'
2. You might want to say 'five past six' instead of 'five after six' in the third paragraph.
3. In the sixth paragraph, instead of saying 'and headed down' you could say 'and headed downstairs'.
4. In the thirteenth paragraph, uncooperative seems wrong. For one, there should be a hyphen between co and operative. Second, I think non co-operative is the appropriate antonym.
You have written a very thoughtful piece. Many a times I have felt the same way about Women's Day. But most of the time I am complacent with celebrating the achievements of those few who have made it in a man's world; as if they are rays of hope for all the other women who don't even know what their real rights are.
I do have a suggestion for you. The paragraphs in your piece are quite long. It would probably be better if you could break the whole thing up into smaller paragraphs. It would make reading easier.
Great article! It is surprising as well as saddening to know that the issues we are facing half-way across the globe exist on the other side too. You have analyzed the situation well although I doubt if fundamentalism can ever end. And it pains me to think maybe it won't.
I have a suggestion for you. The first two paragraphs are not very lucid. Maybe it's just my comprehension but of you could simplify those two a little, you have a winner there. You see they prevent the reader from getting into the flow till he reaches the third paragraph.
The first part of the story is good. The last part doesn't quite go with the flow. If this is unfinished, you might want to work on the significance of the colors...it somehow is incoherent with the story especially the Green part. I like the title a lot.
Also, I noticed the following points. I hope they help:
1. I have a feeling " So here I am, STOPPED at the red light..." sounds wrong somehow. I am not sure what you can substitute it with but you might want to check that one.
2. "....staring at the people in the booths, and who stares back at me but her."
...who STARE back at me....because the noun to which the verb refers is people which is a plural......so it should be STARE.
3. The ones that stick in you, that don’t end up deemed useless and thrown away like a fork missing a couple of prongs. "
You might want to re-think the analogy. It doesn't have the desired effect although its not bad.
In very few words and through a simple story you have passed on to us all a beautiful thought; something that could become the philosophy of life for everyone. The most charming part of the story is its simplicity and obviousness. And the end is a surprise one is not expecting at all.
I have a suggestion for you: Instead of ending as 'Then I started laughing too, because I realized I was behind the rock!' you can end as 'Then I started laughing too. I was behind the rock.' It will have an even better effect. Just something I thought would make your story even more lovely.
What a grand way to announce your arrival to the site! Welcome to Writing.com. I loved your short story. It is succinct, it is fast and it is sad in a pricking way. It hurts somehow to read this. And before the reader has an opportunity to settle down into the story, it is all over. And all one can do is gasp.
Enjoyed reading this one. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Keep writing,
Idam Aham.
I just realized I had stopped breathing for the last few seconds. You have one good story here. Without divulging too many details, you manage to keep the reader's interest alive. The story moves fast and makes good reading.
I loved reading the story.
Keep writing,
Idam Aham.
I like the way the relationships have been portrayed. They are sweet to say the least and the characters endear themselves to the reader...Grace's confusion and apprehension have been brought out well.
A few suggestions:
1. The appearance and disappearance of Jack through the story is kind of scattered. One would like his appearances to be a little more meaningful as if building up to something or having some sort of purpose (if he and Grace ending up together is what you seem to have in mind); not just randomly scattered.
2. The paragraph about the flashback can be restructured or placed elsewhere like let's say:
Grace let out a breath she felt like she had been holding for an eternity. "Oh no." she whispered to herself.
She had an hour before she was supposed to meet Jade at dinner. If she was going to be able to eat dinner.
Her mind drifted to the first day of the last semester - Freshman orientation........etc.........I don't know.
Grace drifted back to the present and went to call her parents....
3. You can structure the story a little more tightly.
Just a few suggestions I thought would help. Looking forward to reading more from you
This is going in the right direction but I would suggest a few things I feel will make it better:
1. You might want to work on the Morsian Anthem a bit. It doesn't impress as much as the Norsian Anthem.
2. You might want to remove the personal comments. eg.: instead of saying 'Ok. You're probably confused. Who invaded who?' you can simply say 'Nobody really knows who invaded first' or something. I believe it will make the narrative more objective and third-person oriented which will add to the feel of the story. In fact you should consider removing all instances of 'I' from the story, that's what I feel.
3. Also sentences like 'Ok. Now that we've had that lovely little background information, documentary, thing let's get on with the story.' can be removed. You should probably go straight to the story and not give a prelude to it.
Waiting to read the finished story! Do let me know. And all the best!
Keep writing,
-Idam Aham
Another enjoyable story coming from your stables after I read 'The Welcoming Party'. It is very easy to imagine the Rugby playing teens running after the turkeys exasperated...such is the lucidity of your writing. I really liked the ending especially the last sentence. Enjoyed reading.
Keep writing,
-Idam Aham.
Boy! That is a good piece of work! It seems very fragmented to me but that has a charm of itself. Somehow the story holds together with a loose thread of commonality running underneath as if arriving at something. It has been written very differently and I personally like this kind of writing.
The very first sentence just hits you hard and grabs all the attention that might be looking at running away. And I like the way it has been ended too.
One suggestion: the fragments are the beauty of this work but I think they can be ordered a little.......you know, order in chaos kind of a thing.
I really loved reading this one.
Keep writing,
-Idam Aham
This is a very lovely poem that brings to life the beauty nature has to offer. The personification attributed to various natural entities like brooks and to the birds and animals brings its own charm to the poem.
I just have one thing to say about the first line of the poem. I believe Solitude itself means being alone. So, despite having a good effect on the sound of the poem, the first line has the redundant word ALONE in it. I am not sure if it was deliberate.
A very warm piece to be reading in Holiday Season. In simple language you have gotten your thoughts across very effectively. Enjoy your Christmas gift!
And keep writing,
-Idam Aham
The article was thought-provoking and managed to convey the point. But the writer could have delved deeper into the problem and been more specific. It would have been all the more better a read then. All the best!
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