This is very poor. My comments:-
"Noah Barker plucked a kernel of popcorn into his mouth and reclined his head back in the theater chair. He squirmed his hips, trying to get comfortable."
POPCORN HAS NO KERNELS. YOU CAN'T "SQUIRM" YOUR HIPS.
"The bag of popcorn on his groin rocked this way and that as he failed to find a satisfactory position." HOW COULD IT BE "ON" HIS GROIN? IT COULD ONLY BE IN HIS GROIN AND WHY WOULD IT BE THERE?
"The salty snack helped tame the bitter aftertaste of beer that invited nausea. His head was pounding with the consequence of too many cheap ones." CHEAP ONES? CHEAP SNACKS? CHEAP BEERS? CHEAP THRILLS? BE SPECIFIC!
"The darkened cinema helped soothe his bloodshot eyes, which were strained from having stared at the mounted TV in the bar for too long." OH DEAR. WHY WOULD THERE BE A TV AND A BAR INSIDE A CINEMA????
"There had been a very pretty blonde girl in a black halter dress sitting with a group of friends across the smoke-filled room, and he supposed that he may have been staring at her young, silk-smooth legs for too long as well." I THOUGHT WE WERE IN A CINEMA?
"The film being shown in the theater wasn’t exactly helping to take the edge off his hangover. It was a movie called Deadly Assailant. It was about the unsolved Highway-34 murders that had held Kansas City in stark terror a decade ago. Of course, it was all done up in typical Hollywood fashion and was mostly bulls***. Noah Barker had the best evidence for this conviction, for he was the Highway-34 murderer." LAUGHABLY STUPID. ALSO FILMS AREN'T SHOWN IN THEATRES, THEY ARE SHOWN IN CINEMAS.
"He hadn’t necessarily intended to stagger into this specific showing tonight. In fact, he hadn’t really intended to see the film at all. It felt oddly intrusive in a way." STAGGER? IS HE INTOXICATED? OR MAYBE A CRIPPLE?
"Each killing had been a very intimate moment to him. Now here they were, blown-up and exaggerated for dull, thrill-seeking moviegoers to consume like pigs at a trough." PIGS DON'T EAT FILMS.
"Young guys laughing at the scary parts. Young girls screaming and giggling and scooting closer to their dates." SCOOTING? WHAT SORT OF SLANG IS THAT?
"The killer was being played by handsome character actor Michael Shannon. A generous juxtaposition to the fat, balding, middle-aged schlub sitting in row six, seat thirteen. A SCHLUB? WTF IS A SCHLUB? ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT CINEMAS HAVE NUMBERED SEATS AND THAT THE NARRATOR HAS SEEN THE SEAT NUMBERS? ABOUT AS LIKELY AS TRUMP HAVING A BRAIN. ALSO YOU MISUSE "JUXTAPOSITION".
"On-screen, victim number three had just escaped her attacker by smashing him across the head with the tire iron he had used to overpower her. That never happened. Oh, she had gotten away alright. Stupid bitch!" THIS CONTAINS A LOAD OF AMERICAN TEENAGE SLANG. IS YOUR TEXT INTENDED TO BE READ BY TEENAGE IDIOTS?
"The ropes binding her wrists must not have been as tight as he thought. When he turned his back on the supposedly helpless female for a moment to take a leak, she jumped to her feet and bolted out into the middle of the street." TAKE A LEAK!!!!!! WHAT ROPES - WE NEVER HEARD OF ROPES BEFORE. WHERE WAS SHE TO BE ABLE TO GET INTO A STREET IMMEDIATELY?
"Noah had pursued her for a few yards but stopped at the sight of approaching headlights." NO ONE SAID IT WAS NIGHTB BEFORE...
"She hadn’t beaten him over the head with his own tire iron! To even suggest that he would allow such a thing to happen wasn’t just insulting." WTF IS A TIRE IRON?
"It was goddamned emasculating." HOW DOES NOT BEING HIS ON THE HEAD BY A "TIRE IRON" EMASCULATE ANYONE?
"Some people in the theater laughed. Noah looked daggers at a crowd of giggling young girls sitting two rows up." TWO ROWS UP - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "UP" - IS THAT ABOVE OR BEHIND?
"He imagined strangling each and every one of them, their eyes wild with fear. He visualized what he'd do afterward to their bodies." SO WHAT WOULD HE LIKE TO DO TO THEIR BODIES? SPELL IT OUT!
"The theater was only sparsely filled. The group of giggling girls who seemed prone to laugh at anything that happened, funny or not." 2ND SENTENCE INCOMPLETE....
"A guy and his date in the very first row who had long ago ceased paying attention to the movie." ANOTHER INCOMPLETE SENTENCE.
"They were sucking face on first base and seemed likely to move to second." SUCKINF FACE????? IF KISSING IS "FIRST BASE" WHAT ASPECT OF OSCULATION WOULD BE IN 2ND?
"A single elderly man sitting two seats across from Noah wearing a long black overcoat and a black pork pie hat that he didn’t remove. He’d been sitting there when Noah came in, sleeping with his head drooped so low against his chest that, at first, Noah thought he was dead. However, when he shuffled past to get to his seat the man had stirred. Just a lonely retired guy, Noah figured, drowsing the evening away." IT'S BAD MANNERS NOT TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF IN A CINEMA. NOAH THOUGHT HE HAD A CORPSE IN THE CINEMA? NOT V. LIKELY.
"The climax of the film featured a riveting game of cat and mouse between the killer and the policewoman who had spent the entire movie tracking him down. None of that happened either. Sure, Noah had sent some anonymous taunting letters to the police, and security camera footage of him depositing one in a post office box did give them their first good lead. But there hadn’t been a gripping high-speed chase down the freeway." CLUMSY ENGLISH.
"During that scene, the group of giggling girls laughed harder still." THAT'S THE 3RD OR 4TH TIME YOU HAVE USED "GIIGLING".
"Such shrill, piercing laughter! The ridiculing sound echoed horribly in his ears. Their mocking faces swam in his head like a Greek chorus." HOW COULD A GROUP OF MOCKING FACES SWIM IN YOUR HEAD LIKE A GREEK CHORUS? SINCE WHEN DO GREEK CHORUSES SWIM IN ANYONE'S HEAD? YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY NEVER SEEN A GREEK TRAGEDY!
"When the movie was over some people clapped. Noah did not. He scowled up at the closing credits, arms crossed defiantly over his chest. The group of lively girls stood up bouncing and stretching. The sight of their shapely, feminine breasts combined with the awful taunting laughter that still resounded made Noah’s face flush with rage." HOW WOULD HE SEE THEIR BREAST? WERE THEY UNDRESSED IN THE CINEMA?
"The returning studio lights caught the guy and girl in the first row engaged in some sexual foreplay. He glanced around abashedly while she rebuttoned her shirt." THE GIRL HAD HER SHIRT UNBUTTONED? HOW FAR DOWN? WAS SHE WEARING A BRA OR NOT?
"Wanting to remove himself from the sight of those nefarious pixies, those beckoning sirens who drew him back to dark temptations and urges that he hadn’t acted upon in more than a decade, Noah stood to leave." NEFARIOUS PIXIES? BECKONING SIRENS? WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A GROUP OF GIGGLING GIRLS HERE!!!
"The forgotten bag of popcorn fell from his lap and spilled onto the ground by the sleeping old man’s black loafers." I THOUGHT HE WAS SEVERAL SEATS AWAY, NOT NEXT DOOR.
“What did you think of the picture?”
"The old man asked this abrupt question without lifting his head. From his standing position, Noah couldn’t make out a single feature on the speaker's face. His chin was flush against his sternum, his nose deeply buried in the folds of his coat." HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE THEIR CHIN FLUSH WITH HIS STERNUM, AND HIS NOSE IN HIC COAT AT THE SAME TIME & HOW COULD HE SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME?
"Noah made a sound like a fart and twisted his hands into two big thumbs down. “I’ve seen pornos better than that crap.” HE DID A MOUTH FART?
"The old man didn’t budge. “Aren’t you going to catch the next showing?”
Noah scoffed. “Pft! Yeah right! I’d rather stick my dick in an electric socket.” He started leaving but something interrupted his efforts. “What the-”
He glanced down to see what held him in tight restraint. A thick iron shackle gripped his left ankle. A long chain extended to the bottom of the theater seat, which it was fastened to in big convoluted coils. Noah kicked and lashed at the chain but it didn’t relinquish its hold. He gazed stupidly up at the old man sitting patiently beside him." THIS IS LUDICROUS. SOMEONE HAD SHACKLED HIM TO HIS SEAT & HE HADN'T NOTICED IT?
"Two dark, empty sockets met his own eyes, which grew large with fright. The mouth of the skull beneath the pork pie hat dropped open in a wide chuckling grin." HOW CAN EMPTY SOCKETS GROW LARGE?
“Just wait until you see the sequel,” it said.
The lights dimmed. As the film started playing over again from the very beginning, the group of girls giggled, the couple in the first row continued their lovemaking, the grinning skeleton two seats over laughed hysterically."
THIS IS GETTING STUPIDER & STUPIDER.
"And Noah? He gazed up at the flickering screen where his own despicable deeds confronted him without remorse and screamed." A LAUGHABLE ENDING. |
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