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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/areida07
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17 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
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Review by Areida is a Pita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very touching story and a wonderful lesson to be learned.

It was very well-written all the way through, but the ending didn't wow me like the rest of the piece. If you ended on a more resonating note, I think the overall effect would be even stronger (and believe you me, it was pretty dang strong to begin with).

I think what I loved most about it was that it was life. It wasn't artistic license or tweaked for added emotion, but it showed the complexity of life and how easy it is to walk by someone without really thinking about them as a person (do you ever do that in a grocery store? it's a horrible habit that I've been working on...) because you're so busy.

One great thing about this piece: Donnie had a personality. I know he's a real person, but too often names and personalities of people are left out so they don't overshadow the "moral of the story." But the fact that Donnie is a real, breathing person made this even more powerful, which was especially evident in this line:

"Donnie and I became close because we checked in at the same time, suffered withdrawal together and had a lot in common. He was an avid reader of the classics and had a wicked sense of humor."

A chilling line: "and was hooked like a fish on a poisoned line."

So really, the only thing I think could be tweaked is the ending. End with a bang, and this piece will hang around in reader's minds even longer.

Thank you for the inspiring read.

Areida
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Review by Areida is a Pita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Very nice work.

I didn't catch any grammatical or formatting errors, but my main problem with this piece is that it's so impersonal. You've been through this, and yet it feels as though you researched and then wrote an essay.

For this piece to truly have an impact, I think you should include some of your personal experiences. For example, my older sister is a Plebe at West Point, and she did her basic training this past summer. When it was her turn to go through the gas chamber (House of Tears, I believe they call it), she related to me how her lungs burned as she stated her name, hometown, then shouted, "Beat the hell out of navy!" She told me about how cool it was throw a hand grenade, and how her superiors pushed her head down, but she "just wanted to watch." Amusing or otherwise interesting anecdotes really make or break a piece like this; their presence or absence being the difference between remembering or forgetting the piece within a short time.

How did you first decide you wanted to join the Army? Who went with you to the recruiters' or did you go alone? What was the first day like? What was the most fun thing you did? What was the LEAST fun thing you did? What is one part you'd love to relive? Which part would you rather eat dirt than do over? What did you experiences in basic teach you? What advice would you offer to those considering joining a branch of the military?

I do, however, love that you included the Soldiers' Creed. Your last paragraph was quite good as well, and the last sentence really clenched it. Very nice work overall.

Thanks for the good read!

~Areida
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