Hey, Broseidon, just making comments as I go. I'm just going to go through this line by line.
---- "I woke up today and looked outside.
Thinking of why I have not heard from you.
For an instant, a feeling of death felt deep inside.
Hoping the feelings I'm having are not true."
To start with, take note of how you punctuate the piece. When reading poetry, people naturally take breaths at the end of the line, so whether or not a comma or period is placed depends on the structure of the sentence. Here, it would seem as if several of the lines are actually complete sentences, yet they're cut off in punctuation with periods, resulting in a stunted way of reading that's jerky and frustrates the natural flow of the poem. To deal with things like this, try putting your lines together so you can see where the punctuation needs to go. So you'll have:
"I woke up today and looked outside. Thinking of why I have not heard from you. For an instant, a feeling of death felt deep inside. Hoping the feelings I'm having are not true."
This is my opinion, of course, so if you still feel that your way is better then feel free to disregard me. But, see how, when organised as prose, you can see the clunkiness of the sentence? Remember to vary sentence structure to optimise the flow of your poem, as readers tune out when each sentence sounds the same. So you could reorganise the structure like this, if you wanted:
""I woke up today and looked outside, thinking of why I have not heard from you. For an instant a feeling of death felt deep inside, hoping the feelings I'm having are not true."
---- "A ghostly shadow I thought I saw.
Dropping to my knees, as I hit the floor."
Here it's also good to note what you're writing and try and visualise it. 'As' is a tricky word, and denotes that two or more things are happening at the same time. So here, you're saying that, as the man is dropping to his knees, at the same time his body is hitting the floor. This is a bit tricky to picture, and it makes more sense, at least to me, for these two actions to happen sequentially as opposed to simultaneously. So, instead of the above, how about 'I drop to my knees, and hit the floor"?
---- "Asking why you left me here"
A bit confusing. So the spectre is asking him why she left him there?
---- "When you begin to fade away
I start to run after you
The last thing I wanted to say
Was that I will always love you"
Noting several things here. First is that the first few stanzas seemed to suffer from too much punctuation, and here you've gone the opposite way! Haha, don't forget that poetry, given its compactness, needs its punctuation just as much as it needs its words. That is, unless the lack of punctuation was not a mistake. Punctuation in poetry signifies just as much as the words themselves, so your choice to leave it in or take it out is just as important as your choice of language.
Secondly, this has to be my favourite stanza. Much tighter than the others, and nicely written. The sentiment at the end is quite lovely.
----"Urning for you to be by my side"
Did you mean 'yearning'?
--- "I woke up today with the suns warm beam"
Given that the beam belongs to the sun, you'll need to make this a possessive. So "sun's warm beam".
---"Seeing you was a wonderful site"
Just another typo. A site is a place. Sight is to do with the things you see.
---"The look of confusion I seen in you"
'See in you'?
----"Your the love of my life"
Your denotes something that belongs to the 'you'. So, "that's your bed", as the bed belongs to you. Do you mean 'you're', as in 'you are'?
Overall, a nice poem. Just little things here and there that you seem to have missed, and these are things you'll pick up in future edits. Remember to read your poem out loud to see where you should add or take something out! Other than that, I enjoyed the piece. Nicely done. |
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