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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arloso
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42 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Poignant piece about an absent dad expressing in vivid imagery the sadness and isolation felt by a child in isolation, well told without being maudlin.
My only suggestion is to re score it so that the lines will hold more impact. End lines with words that pack punch. Eg. third and fourth lines could be re scored thusly:

The kids at school all laughed
as I cried
on parents day when you didn't stop by.

They told me you didn't love me,
and I was the reason why
you left Mommy and me.

Continue the rest of the way organizing into lines of complete thoughts, ending the line with a punch.
A.
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Review of Silent Suffering  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the message in this piece. It's important, poignant, and one that needs attention. But it's a bit heavy handed. A poem, especially a message poem, should be subtle in its approach so that the reader might be steered gently toward an epiphany.
Unless of course this is a vent poem just to make you feel better (because you've gotten it off your chest), but if it's to raise awareness, the reader shouldn't be beat over the head with it.
Here are some suggestions for making this piece less prosaic, and more poetic. Turn it into a narrative poem, or one that tells a story with images. Think of the poem as a painting you're doing, and your words the paint and brushes you are using to create the images, that express your ideas.
Paint a word picture of your central idea, and let the reader come to a conclusion suggested by your images.
For example, you could begin the piece by depicting a child crying not because it is spoiled, but because it is neglected:

A tear slips like a pearl down a ruddy cheek,
a child consoles her threadbare baby, one eye
hangs loosely to a thread like love,
each held tightly chest to tiny chest,
her heart beating like a trapped sparrow
seeking escape, she says, "It's alright,
I love you, baby, don't cry,"
while in the next room,
her mother shouts, "Keep it down,
I'm trying to work."
In the darkness, they both cry.

With this stanza, you've painted a poignant picture of neglected child, seeking solace from an inanimate object, which, by the way, symbolizes her own situation.
Try substituting descriptive images for prose, expressing the same ideas, in the rest of your graphs. I think you'll be surprised at the results.
I hope you allow me to make these suggestions in the spirit of one writer seeing talent in another, in an attempt to nurture, Keep writing,
A.
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Review of Brier  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You show much talent. Your story is chock-full of sensory details that paint a nice picture of the characters and the setting. The only caution I might give is that sometimes less is more. What I mean is that too many adjectives can weigh down a story. Your goal is to be as concise as possible. Use verbs or nouns to communicate your ideas. I'm sounding a little abstract, so what I think I'll do is to suggest that you get a little book, if you haven't got it already, called "Strunk's Elements of Style." It explains better than I the basic commandments of good writing. As I said, you have an engaging voice and style that portend great things for you in the future. Keep writing, and hope this has been helpful.
Aurelio
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very heartfelt poem resonating with emotion and feeling. It was as if you were standing before me opening your heart. Nicely done.
To improve it, you must get rid of cliches like "with every breath I take," or "life is just a game." Though it may be true, try to think of more original ways to say it.
And while we're on the subject of "say," strive to show it instead of say it. It's an old mantra, but it's a tried and true way to punch up your writing.
For example, I'll just take a random line, in the first stanza, "an embarrassment to my family, a burden to my friends." To "show" this, simply create images that are word pictures, like "my mother's blush bright red at gossip's gate," or "my friend's load up shame I throw away."
Not the best, but you see my point? Try to find original images to express the same ideas, because you're ideas are powerful, and poignant. They resonate. I especially liked the following lines: "You stay inside your Christian soul unless you think a soul's in need," "you judged me by a glance."
Even these lines can be pared down. Find the right word, it will streamline your message. For example, let's take the first line: "You sail unseen within your Christian soul, unless a wounded call stirs to deck," or how about this for the other line: "a blind glance sits as judge."
Now, the images communicate something we have all felt, but in a way that isn't too common. Keep working at this. I sense a talent bubbling just beneath the surface that can be developed into something special. Aurelio
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Amazing poem. I love the structure of shots to illustrate the cycle. Brings to mind the drinker's request to "Hit me, bartender," and "Hit me, again."
It works I think to connect the analogous cycles of abuse and alcoholism. Imagery is also compelling. well done.
A.
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Review of Snow Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the imagery, I love the rhyme scheme, I love the dancer as falling snow, I love the idea of absent lover 600 miles away, but at the end, it left me wanting some kind of resolution, besides winter being wooed and won. The rhythm was great and was bouncing right along until the word "with" tripped me, not once but twice in the last stanza. I think if you work with that last stanza to smooth it out a bit, and to add a climax, (for example, I was hoping for a reunion, or if not, then perhaps at least acceptance of that sense of longing) then you'd have a 5.0 work, at least in my view. Keep Writing,
A
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I don't think I've ever read a more lyrical description of a natural event, encompassing the innocuous beginnings of a salty breath, building momentum to a raucous and ominous gasp, completed by the awestriking power, naked beauty and dismissive indifference of nature. I liked the form of the poem too, the lines short in the beginning, bulging in the middle and receding peacefully at the end, reflecting the ebb and flow of a hurricane. There is a nice rhythm that is pleasing to the ear when read aloud. Well done!
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Review of A Mirror  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the rhythm and beat created by the brevity and line breaks in this poem. If I was rating it for Dick Clark on American Bandstand, I'd say it's got a good beat and it's easy to dance to.
I also like the depiction of a best friend who is not always looking out for her friend's best interest. It rings so true.
I read it aloud to get a sense of the beat, and I discovered that the beat is strained just a bit in a couple of places. The first three stanzas comport perfectly in their structure and rhythm, but the fourth strays slightly.
Try "Your boyfriend's yummy
what's he like in bed?"
Using a contraction puts it right back on track, and in the second to last stanza, the lines are a bit awkward.
Try "Every time I smile,
her face fills with scorn."

The last stanza as well could be smoothed out, Try
"If her eye is a mirror,
no mirror will I own."

Hope this is helpful, I enjoyed the poem. Write On Catch-a-tone! Bueno bye, Aurelio
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poignant tale. I at first was a bit distracted by the lack of names for the characters, but then I realized the main character was the bridge, and the story revolves around the bridge. Taken from that perspective, I think it works to have the other characters nameless.
I like the rather matter-of-fact tone; it serves to emphasize the story telling. It seems like a story one might recite to others while sitting at a bridge. In that way, the characters could come from whomever is there, sitting listening, or telling the story.
The writing itself is very good, although I think since the bridge seems to be the focus of the story, I would like a bit more description of this "rustic," and "quaint" bridge. For instance, we know it is made of stone, but what kind of stone, did the farmer dig it out of the mountain himself, and did he pick that stone because of its special properties? What does the stone look like? How does it feel when sitting on it to fish? There were obviously many happy moments spent there, was that true also for the farmer and his wife, did they sit on it and dream of their futures, and of their childrens' futures?
And since the two brothers slain in the war returned to the bridge before bidding farewell, it's also got some magical qualities or properties.
I like the use of the painting to show that though they are dead, they are in a place where they can smile,and they have their old dog with them.
I love the premise of the story. I think, though, with a bit of further development on the setting,which is the bridge, and also of the countryside, and the people who live there, it would be even better. Good job. A.
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Review of Pieces  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love the metaphor of heart being sewn back together, borrowing yarn from her own heart to repair his, and then her heart in the end being left full of holes as his was. Wonderful!
But I think it can be made that much more powerful by cutting unnecessary words, tightening, and making it less prosaic, while using a little more imagery. For example, in the opening stanza, one could rewrite like so: "Pain seeps through holes bored in his heart,
pieces broken on the floor."
And, try to write it in more regular three or four-line stanzas. Read it out loud so you can find the rhythm, and place the line breaks accordingly. As it is, it's a little choppy.
But it's brilliant. It just needs a little tinkering, and you've got a poignant, heart-breaking poem about the tendency of people not to realize how fragile a heart, how nearly impossible to repair. Keep writing, Aurelio.
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love your poem. I like how you explain that the land of the sad isn't any fun because it's boring and everybody's always crying. The only thing that might make this poem a little better is if you explain what it is about the land of the happy that you like. Think of something that makes you really happy, and then just write about it in your poem. I bet you'll like it better too. Keep writing!
Aurelio
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Review of Without You  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Such a sad song, and sad songs can sometimes make us feel better, or so they say. I like the rhythm and beat, even without music, I can hear it. I don't know about writing lyrics, but I've always imagined it's like writing poetry, but a bit more disciplined perhaps. Lines are certain lengths and the rhyme scheme is more precise. I like it. The only place where it might benefit from a little polishing is the line where the narrator, or singer, says in the last stanza, she hopes he's up there "safe and sound." I don't think it's a powerful enough image to serve as the climax. I'm not really sure what to substitute, but perhaps something like he's "looking down a mountain," or "As you pause at heaven's gate," or something like that. Otherwise, great lyrics. Hasta! A.
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Review of I'm Dead  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very powerful, very poignant piece. I urge you to read a piece in my portfolio I wrote after my little brother jumped in front of a truck last Thanksgiving. He believed no one heard him, but the trouble was only his lips moved, and we couldn't read lips. The poem is titled "Secret Scream," and there is a companion eulogy, which I read at his funeral, titled "You Live On." Keep writing, you show talent.
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Review of A Writer's Lament  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bravo and well said. As a newspaper reporter for 30 years, I know of what you speak. I have recently re-discovered a passion for writing, from the heart, and my editor has encouraged me to break loose from those "fact-plugging" bounds you describe, and to incorporate into my news and feature stories the techniques I've learned from writing poetry and short stories. So, yes, this was an encouraging piece that should inspire; it did for me.
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Review of Tide of Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Normally, I prefer free rhyme to end line rhyme because many times poems with pattern of end line rhyming have a sing-song, Hallmark tone and rhythm that seems to me superfluous. But because this poem has limited end line rhyme, the second and fourth line of each stanza, it establishes a nice rhythm that doesn't detract from the extended metaphor of the tide as comforter, as support for its human guardians, as something that can be depended upon to make one feel not so alone in this frequently lonely, isolationist world.
The imagery is vivid, and I particularly liked the ending, in which the guardian's tears seem to replenish the tides. It evokes a sense of symbiosis, or a needed connection between humanity and the forces of nature. In short, I like it.
I think the only way I might try to improve the piece is to give it a first person point of view. I think that would lend a bit more power, but it's good as it is. Keep writing.
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Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story held my interest from beginning to end. It was fast-paced, well-written and full of suspense. Despite its length, the characters were fairly well drawn. Dialogue was realistic and moved the plot forward. Description was good. I'm ambivalent about the ending. On the one hand, I think the ending where the guy was dead would have been good, had the story been about infidelity and a jealous husband, but since it was about three agents, training, I guess the ending was necessary. It was jarring, however. I felt a little bit deceived, and subsequently, a bit peeved. Still, the writing is excellent, and perhaps my reaction to the ending is a bit overblown.
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Review of Dark Options  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A chilling tale of deadly separation. Description of setting is good, particularly the detail in description of the coffin. I think this story has potential as a horror story, like the story of the woman who was cemented behind a wall, was it by Poe or Hitchcock? Doesn't matter, the situation is one none of us would like to find ourselves in.
Problems: Abrupt change in point of view. We go from seeing events from Leanne's eyes to suddenly looking at things from Joe's head, and then just as quickly, we are back in Leanne's head. It's distracting and amateurish, especially in a short story.
Try keeping point of view 3rd person limited, from Leanne's point of view. In other words, we only know what Leanne sees and thinks. We have no way of getting into Joe's head, except by listening to his speech or through Leanne's observing his actions and reactions.
Motivation needs to be clarified. Why is Joe so pissed, we get generalities about being manipulated, lied to, stolen from, betrayed. Take one of those sins or two or three, but make them specific. What were the lies about, how was joe manipulated, but remember, the information should come from Joe in direct speech to Leanne, or in Leanne's perception of how she believes Joe feels.
A great story, keep working on it. Good luck. Aurelio
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Review of Undeniably So  Open in new Window.
Review by Aurelio2005 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love the Wizard of Oz extended metaphor; the imagery is vivid and unexpected, "Winter’s thumb presses hard
its sarcophagus grasp, " Where coyotes ooh and ah under the sky as the moon floats around our back door
calling me like a spotlight," scarecrow ballbearing
birds in black suits," are my favorite lines, but the poem has so many nice lines, hard to pick. Liked the tone and the beat too. Nice job. Oh, I'm a newbie, and I think I sent a thank you for your nice review of my poem Breakfast at Joeys, but just in case, I didn't send it right, now I'm thanking you again. Hasta luego, Aurelio
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