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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/armina
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29 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (3.5)
Alexi, I really like this piece. And I think it's something that many people can really relate to. Time is a big issue to me and I always feel it ticking away. I look back over my life and think of the things I would change and do differently, of the things that set me on a course that I wouldn't change, and of things I had no control over at all.
To me, this is good evocative writing.
I feel it's a little abrupt and needs to be filled out some, but you have a very good idea going.
My only major suggestion is to change the title. It sounds more like a self help book than a look at life.
There are some spelling errors that I'll mark for you below as well as some suggestions - But keep in mind, everything is my suggestion. Take what you will and toss what doesn't work for you :)
Do you write your stories in Microsoft Word? I'd suggest running spellcheck over it then copy and pasting here. It will help a lot with the spelling issues - although it doesn't always catch them all! :)


What have you done with your life?
by Alexi Mason

Time! Tick tick tick. What is time? Tick tick tick. How do we all use our Time. Tick tick tick.
Ecclesiastes ( delete: or The preacher)said that to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose.
(A time to be born.)
Oh the joy that parents have when there (their) new born (newborn) makes the first cry, (suggest new sentence here and start again with OH) the plans they have for that little one. They feed and nurture the small helpless new born (newborn) that came from their seed, planted with love in the mothers (mother's) womb. Tick tick tick...nine months later the child is born. The child is helped to take the steps towards a life that each day unfolds into a memory of learning.

First word, first step, first day at school. By the time the child arrives at the last day of school, many years have gone buy (by) and the child reaches an age where the decisions become there (their) own (delete: choice), and it's those choices that are made that determine how the adult life shapes and forms. Tick tick tick...

When we look back on our life, Have (have) we made the right decisions, or have we made choices that we regret? So much to think about. Other people (suggest changing to "Other's can influence....") can influence what happens to us, sometimes for our good and sometimes not... tick tick tick.
We can be selfish with our time, or wastful (wasteful), or used (not sure "used" fits with the rest of this sentence), or giving of our time. We can be productive and creative, sleep away, be happy, sad, late, on time...tick tick tick.

A time to plant and a time to harvest whatever we have planted. Tick tick tick. Time to kill and time to heal, time for breaking down and time for renewing or building up. Tick tick tick. Time for weeping and time for laughing, time for mourning, time for dancing... Time to throw away stones and then gathering stones together. A time for embracing and a time to let go. Time to begat (beget) and a time to lose. There is a time to keep or cherish and then a time to throw away... also a time to rend or tear to peices(pieces) and then a time to sew or put back together.

There are times for silence and a time to have your say....tick tick tick. Love has it's time and hate is another emotion, and when war comes it has it's time before peace enters. Also we go through times when we couldn't care less. i'll (I'll) eat,drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.

Yes! there (There [or remove ! after Yes]) is birth and when life is fullfilled (fulfilled) there is a time for all to die, and yet if a seed dosn't (doesn't) fall to the ground and die ... It cannot live. (does a seed fall to the ground and die? My thought would be a seed falls to the ground to begin it's life) have you ever asked yourself how many times you have broken promises to your self or others? What have you done that could be made better? What do you want to do that would benifit (benefit) your life (suggest changing to "making it fruitful) being fruitful. Tick tick tick... Time waits for no man. Today is the begining (beginning) of the rest of your life... Tick tick tick.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
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Review of Season Tickets  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think the Season's Tickets idea is fantastic!
And I'm thrilled to be able to give to RAOK! RAOK is wonderful in helping members who can't afford the upgraded memberships!! I love 'em!!
The page looks great too, and the c-notes. I did have to hunt to find when the drawing would be (it's kind of low down on the page and only once)
Love the idea!!!
Thanks, Meenie :)
3
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thanks for bringing this one up. In my opinion, two people who decide to make a partnership, should be equally protected under the law. If they love each other, they should be able to marry. They should have the same spousal rights of any other couple. Who are we to judge them? Personally, I think love should conquor all, and that includes prejedice.
Meenie
4
4
Review of Prologue  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very good beginning. I love the howling wolves! Your descriptions are delicious! :)
Suggestions below - keep or toss :)
Meenie

The sun beat down onto the realm known as RhyDin.
Suggestion: you need more of a hook in this opening. Te reader is looking at this realm and is told it's hot. You need something more immediate that draws the reader in. Even if you were to just start with "It was hot." The reader would immediately FEEL the heat. :) Does that make any sense?

He leapt over tangled tree roots and ducked under low tree branches in an effort to escape something.

Pearly white teeth adult animals usually have yellowed teeth. If these are supernatural creatures, disregard :) flashed as they opened their mouths to growl and bark at their prey. Their paws dug deep into the ground, gaining on him with each stride forward. good suspense here

He felt a burning in his chest and a sharp pain in his side. His legs turned to rubber and he fell to the ground, accepting his fate.good descriptions of his feelings here

A howl rose from the back of the pack. One by one, each wolf raised its head to the sky and joined in the horrifying call.excellent!

The man shut his eyes and shook his head? as if trying to wake himself from a terrible dream.

“Beware. Your journey through the darkness will soon begin, and you will never be the same again,”again and begin sound a lot alike, I think this sentence would be better if you changed the beat, something like: "Your journey through the darkness will soon begin, and you will never again be the same.

A deep cackle flew through the chilled air as the man raced fell? flew? in a spiral of colors and blinding lights.
5
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Mark,
Your writing is just terrific. Is there anything here that you specifically want reviewed? Since this one isn't published yet, I chose it to comment on. There wasn't much to complain about here!
See below for a few little nits.
Thanks again for a great read!
Meenie :)

When she was ready to make her escape, all she had to do was to find the end of the cord and pull it gently. The cord would then pull on the attached piece of metal in the bolt socket, drawing the bolt out.you use the word "pull" twice closely together here, I'd change one to "tug" or somesuch :)

Eventually, with a mental shrugcomma she returned to her work

Clothing was top of her priority list, but if she had to flee without it, she would. I'd suggest either "Clothing was at the top..." or Clothing was tops on her ..."

6
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Rated: E | (5.0)
To: SM
RE: Guidelines to Great Reviewing
Hi SM,
This is a very helpful guide.
It's easy to read, clear and concise, and outlines the key important points for reveiwing here on Writing.com.

I had thought of reviewing to be the same as critiquing. While it is close to being the same, it's a bit different here on Writing.com.

I'd never thought of my review of someone's work as being anything that anyone other than the author who's work I was reviewing wanting to read! I guess because this is such a big place :)

I am a member of an online critique group, and we almost always do line-by-line crits of each other's works. Now I see that's not exactly what is wanted in the reviews here, at least the public reviews! So I will follow your advice from these guidelines and will make my own outline for reviewing, cut down on the line-by-line cut and paste and focus more on what works and what doesn't in the piece I'm reviewing.

Thanks for the tips.

Your guide is very helpful!
Meenie :)
7
7
Review of Dawn Dragon  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Mark,
I really like this. Of course, I'm partial to dragons anyway, but Ryshell's personality comes out quickly. :) I like the names you've chosen here also.
Did you ever read any of Ann McCaffrey? It kinda reminds me of her DragonRiders of Pern.
Very well done opening! I hope there's more!!
See below for a couple of nits.
Meenie :)

Elian dropped to his hands and knees to crawl the last few feet. His heart raced as he neared the crest of the ridge, for he was sure that the sounds he had heard during his climb would prove his suspicions correct. I would reverse these two sentences. It might be better to know where Elian is first before we see his actions. Also, his heart racing is more of a hook :) Try something like: "Elian's heart raced as he neared the crest of the ridge. He was sure that the sounds he had heard would prove his suspicions correct. He dropped to his hands and knees to crawl the few feet.

Once he had taken the first two or three reluctant steps forward, Elian began to lose control of his feet. A compulsion to run started the acceleration, the downhill slope adding momentum until his body threatened to overtake his legs. Before he knew it, he was hurtling down into the Haleen valley with all thoughts of stealthy movement gone.great visual here. I could relate to that feeling of going faster and faster down a steep slope :) well done!
8
8
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic idea to get my portfolio "out" to others to see and read. Thanks for the great ideas! I especially like the signature, in fact I stopped at that point, opened my email, and created the sig. right away! LOL.
Thanks so much for the extremely helpful page..
Meenie :)
9
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Elisa,
This was pretty funny, you certainly speak to writers :) Sixteen yr old boys might not like that you think all of them have the same face though <G>
Well done. You made me laugh.
Keep writing,
Meenie
10
10
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is clearly written and very understandable. Thanks for the info!
Meenie
11
11
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This was very helpful. I'm a new member with only one item in my portfolio and I'm very confused here right now :)
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