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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arnielenzini
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263 Public Reviews Given
1,210 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Passenger  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice flow, differating dialogue, and interesting ending, made this a story that won’t fade away.
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Review of The Crow  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story mainly due to the very good writing. One thing that didn’t mesh with me was the use of a vulture as the menace. For me, vultures are weak creatures.

I liked that you used a dog that had a supernatural link to an unseen entity. That shows imagination and originality.
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Review of Mr. Von Dutch  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This was a good read. Thank you for sharing. I have a few comments for your consideration.

Heather looked outside her car window and stared into the ominous office building and sighed.> I don’t think you can stare into a dark building during a snowstorm from a car. You can stare at the building, but not into one unless the lights are on inside. Also, why wasn’t the entrance to the building locked? Wouldn’t it be if it was dark? What made that building ominous other than it was dark?

I need to pick up this hair.> Was she wearing a wig that had blown off?

Heather noticed there was a set of three medium size Kitana swords mounted above the mantle.> it’s spelled katana without a capital. Katana are made individually never as a set.

You haven’t researched katana swords enough. Mere fingers wouldn’t have prevented the sword from cutting through the skull. In feudal Japan, swords were tested on convicted murderers. The were ranked one body, two body, and three body swords signifying the number of convicts it could cut through with one slice.

Serial killers tend not to kill their victims so quickly especially those you have experienced killing multiple victims. They enjoy the power they have over their victims.

So, while your writing skills are fine the plot needs to be more realistic.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading this story about a young alien’s attempts at being treated as an equal and handling responsibility.

One suggestion to consider. Reduce the number of breaks in dialogue caused by words like he said to make it flow more smoothly.

For example, you wrote: Alright,” my mom conceded. “I’ll let you go.

It doesn’t seem necessary to say the mother conceded as her words convey that feeling. So, “Alright, I’ll let you go” shows the mother’s feelings.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
First, you should write what woke you up. Make it a sinister sound or feeling.

I live in Japan, an earthquake prone country, so I would write. I was driving along a bumpy road. The road got worst and the car rocked from side to side.

Next, you wake up sort of alert and afraid from the dream or in my case an earthquake. You can write about a smell that precedes a sight that terrifies you. Don’t forget sounds. Try not to use adjectives, but use strong verbs.

For example, you wrote As my eyes adjusted to the darkness , I could make out a mysterious shape in the corner of my bedroom… I was tossed out of the car and then I was on the floor of my bedroom. Hot sulfurous fumes burned my throat and nose. I staggered to my knees and then fell back. A mass of volcanic rock rose sizzling and cracking.
God, wake me up from this nightmare!
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thanks for an interesting and humorous read.
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Review of Spooky Mission  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First of all, in order to avoid confusion, you must create a paragraph each time a different character speaks.

"Shudders! Sir, just now a black cat leaped over the front window screen," Daniel said, his voice trembling."I hope you are fine," Andrew replied, his tone calm."Yes, sir, but I got frightened at once," Daniel admitted.

"Shudders! Sir, just now a black cat leaped over the front window screen," Daniel said, his voice trembling.

"I hope you are fine," Andrew replied, his tone calm.

"Yes, sir, but I got frightened at once," Daniel admitted.

Avoid over use of adjectives.

Tenuous gleams of crimson red lamps lit the house in great vain, though their reach was inaccessible to objects at remote angles.

Rays from crimson lamps failed to reach dark corners as if the air fought to reveal the castle’s secrets.

Show rather than tell. It’s more fun to write that way.

But on October 5, 1930, flouting the time-honoured fears, an old man named Andrew, and his manservant Daniel, stepped into this horrendous street number four.

But on October 5, 1930, two men approached. Andrew leaned on his cane and raised his wrinkled face, as Daniel held the large umbrella to protect his master.

In this way you can show that Andrew is old and the relationship between him and Daniel which you can further embellish as the story unfolds.

Last, be careful when using horror cliches such as black cats. Are they really needed?
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Review of Secret Path  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The image is clear and peaceful.
As for me, I like to add more to haiku. I think changing the order of the lines would add a sinister feel and mystery to the poem with the surprise answer being the harmless doe and fawn.

Secret woodland path
Shadows! Hush-Footfalls approach
Doe and spotted fawn
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
To me, this poem is about the half of our brain that yearns to be a race car driver to pull us out of the well worn road, but the other half pulls us back to a more rational idea of our potential and we become a commuter and stay on the safe and familiar path.
Had to look up a couple of words I’d never seen: fusty and smaragdine.
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Review of The Jump  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very exciting suspenseful story by the master. Highly recommended.
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Review of Sick Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good descriptive horror. However, the use of second person is rarely used anymore. I’ve come across it only a few times, here.

I felt you didn’t need to highlight in bold or in italics in such a short piece. You don’t need to do that. Your writing is descriptive enough.

I use italics to indicate thoughts.

In the fourth paragraph the phrase (the way) is overused. It’s like using the same word too often, gives the impression the writer lacks vocabulary.

Now, after a long, dull period of barely tangible pain, it’s started pulsing.>… it starts pulsing.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Saw this in the For Authors newsletter.

A skeleton giving advice to live it up is an enjoyable way to remind us that Halloween is an opportunity to have fun.
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Review of The Forever Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, much better. The ending was weird, but I can dig it since it was a feverish dream.
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Review of The Forever Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It’s been a while since I’ve read a new story.

You did well describing the scenes as you always do, but the ending left me thinking what the…?

I found a few things for you to consider.

But sometimes the sky opens up from underneath and I awoke cramped and chilled beside a pile of dying embers and the sound of a raging river below. >This sentence starts in the present tense. Sounds a little strange. Also, it has three ands.

My mouth opened in a scream and a gulp of life-giving air.>Needs fixing for the two parts don’t seem to mix well.

Thankfully, I was spat out upon a shallow sandbar and heaved there for a breath of air.> What did you heave?

Dragging myself to shore, I stood upon weak legs that twitched of their own volition. > Dragging myself to shore, I stood upon twitching legs.

I think the ending lacks what he was thinking when he threw himself back into the river.

Aloha,
Kotaro
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Isn’t that bribery?
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Review of The Waterfall  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good haiku. Conjures a peaceful scene though there is a lot of sound in what should be a quiet place.
One suggestion is to reverse the first and third lines, for the last line should be the ah ha moment.

Singing to the trees> you’re thinking it’s a person
Falling down upon the stones> still thinking it’s a person
The small upland stream> so, it was a small waterfall!
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Although, I thought the ending wasn’t clear, I enjoyed reading your story because I liked the main character, Gerhard. A seemingly foolish youth with a dream so dear that he disregarded the dangers of achieving it.

Too bad you were limited to 2000 words in the contest.

So, my take on the ending was he gained knowledge from the library. How?
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Review of Mushroom Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written which made me keep reading. Dark as warned. The ending made me sad. I felt it was too extreme without more explanation for the cause, for hope to flee.
The old owl down in the barn, the crickets, the frogs by the little pond, the trees swaying in the night wind.>I don’t think this is a proper sentence.
A desire from someone with weak eyes is a larger font.
Thanks again for your review.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I enjoyed the writing language of the early twentieth century. Reminded me of the tales of Poe which I read long ago. The plot was faster paced to suit the lack of patience nowadays and the characters were well balanced. Good job.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting. Easy to understand. Well organized. Recommended for those planning to write a horror novel.
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Review of Schrodinger's Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a silly story until… you consider it might actually happen to computers. The way the cat changed doesn’t bode for our future.
Anyway, it was fun to read. Well done.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The first thing you should learn is to not make reading hard on the eyes. Break up long paragraphs and use a bigger font.
I noticed you could have had more variety in starting your sentences by using gerunds. Also, try to include the other senses more. Sounds, smells, texture, and taste can break up the monotony of only seeing things and make descriptions come alive.
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Review of Future Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
An excellent start to an adventure. You should keep it going. The dialogue reminds me of Sherlock Holmes and it fits the story. Well done.

I thought the following sentence would sound better with the word shall inserted.> But it must be told in the hope that such errors never be made again.
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Review of Night Bird  Open in new Window.
Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Starts out filled with dark images and forlorn thoughts. Then builds up to friendship on a sinking boat. Good descriptions. I love the image of bottles scattering like cockroaches.

I don’t drink and have never had a hangover, so the story was revealing to me. The reason I don’t drink is due to genes. I’m half Japanese. A lot have a gene that doesn’t process alcohol the same way, so a sip turns my body red and makes me feel sick. I used to drink when I was young, but I never felt high or different from it, so eventually I stopped.

I liked the dialogue which shows the deep and constant need for alcohol. The ending left we wondering how things will turn out, though I felt pretty sure it wouldn’t be good.

A suggestion. Put a space between paragraphs, for my eyes were getting weary.
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Review by Kotaro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A story filled with descriptions that take the reader to another world. Being such a short story, the scenes of being in a fire overwhelmed the rest of the story.

I found no errors, however, I thought the rat staying behind to nibble on charred flesh was unrealistic.

Thanks for sharing a thrilling tale.
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