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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arosis
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37 Public Reviews Given
45 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Sirenblade  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi! I found your chapter on the Review Request page, and I thought I'd take a peak at it for you, especially considering I've got my own chapter up there at the moment. :)

Before I dive right in, a rather nitpicky point: can you put a space between your paragraphs? The way it's currently formatted makes it difficult to read, and I think you might be losing reviewers for it.

A line that catches the eye right off: "...one doesn’t turn one’s nose up at any edible miracles the Author might Write one’s way." Let's break that fourth wall! Fantastic!! And I love how you used it to make the Author the god in this universe, and not just a gimmick.

Still, I feel like I've been here before: the tough warrior girl who doesn't want to be treated like a female; the magicked companion to a prince who's never been on his own before; a quest. This doesn't feel, oh, fresh. Don't get me wrong, I like your characters, especially the backstory to Prince Robert and Tobias (and the way you introduced them--priceless!).

At the same time, I feel like you should really play up the points that make your story unique from others like it. Making the prince clumsy: terrific! Tobias as the recipient of the soothsayer's blessing: brilliant! (Though that doesn't explain how he can talk, really...)

But... Hmm... Maybe my issue lies most with Jasmine. She's clearly your MC, and yet, I can't see anything but, well, perfection in her. She has excellent hearing and sight, can take care of herself in the woods, and has a prince and his dog requesting her assistance. Oh, wait, maybe she's not perfect. I found her a little repellent, actually, with how feminist she was: the prince wasn't insulting her ("’Quality,’ is it? What do you think I am?...") and she takes it much too personally. Maybe there's a reason for this, but as we're introduced to her in this chapter, she's completely out of line--particularly because she's talking to a *prince*! And the prince just rolls over and takes this? I'm sorry, but this didn't feel believable at all. And then Robert falls for her right away? Instead of being insulted? What a weakling! (And that has nothing to do with his clumsiness.) I'd be upset with the pairing, except I'm not sure Jasmine deserves better.

I think this story has potential, but it needs some revamping. Honestly, I'd love to read more, if only to read more of Tobias's snark; by far--in my opinion--he's the strongest character. :)

I really, truly hope I helped. I think you've got a great start, it just needs some polishing. Good luck with sending this off to publishers and agents! :)

~Arosis
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Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi, there! I found your item on the Review Request page, so I thought I'd give it a read.

First off, I love the overall concept of Bond getting a new 'assignment'. Lovely idea, creative, especially the way that M eases him into the job.

That said, I found the twist of the sort of club Bond ends up at seems to have no bearing to the tale at all. Why that type of club, aside from the immediate shock value? Also, I realize that you wrote this in one sitting, but I think this story could--and should!--be expanded. It feels terribly rushed; there's not enough time for me to connect with your Bond, M, or Q.

You should also have someone look into helping you out with your grammar and formatting. I found it difficult to read at points when you didn't start each speaker with a new paragraph and with the narrow look. You can correct some of this in the editing page where you post Static Items, and I'd encourage you to go through and add in new paragraphs. It takes time, I know, but it'll really help.

I'd be happy to reread this item when/if you decide to clean it up. Again, terrific concept, and I think you can push the envelope further than you have here.

I hope I helped! :)

~Arosis
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Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I'm Arosis, and I thought I'd check out your story in a way to welcome you to Writing.com! (Welcome, btw.)

For the premise and content, I found myself snorting my lunchtime soda out my nose while reading this. It's great.

Grammatically, it works fairly well. I didn't see any major typos beyond a "you professor" which should be "youR professor", so kudos there.

I feel as though you could really get into the groove of those bullets, just make the 'dramatic action' of the 'story' a bit richer. (I know, I know--it's not really a story, more like an article, but hey! It still counts, I think.) Even so, it works at the length it is now, with snappy lines and moments that many of us have experienced, so it's really up to you.

As always, it's up to you what you'd like to do. This is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing this piece, though I could've done without the carbonated nose-wash. :D

~Arosis
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Review of Marie  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi there, KcG! Welcome to WdC. I saw your story and thought I'd check your heroine out.

First off, great initial confrontation between Marie and the stranger. Good teaser for the rest of the story, hinting at a previous life or relationship, at the very least. (I'm guessing they were betrothed?) I'd make the stranger's personality stand out just a bit more. Maybe make him snarky? That could create some interesting dialogue.

Speaking of, you might want to get a beta reader/editor. Your grammar's lacking a bit of consistency, and your dialogue can be cleaned up to make it more readable.

There's also a little too much telling in this chapter and not quite enough showing. Set the scene, sure, but I really don't care about Marie's entire school history. If Katie's annoying, show us by her dialogue; don't tell us every single quality that makes her an aggravating personality.

Read around the site and see how other folks start their stories, see what you like, and try to adopt it into your own. Good luck with your story! I hope I helped.

~Arosis
5
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Review of Azhan Lake  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi, R.H.N! I saw your story on the Plug Page and thought I'd give it a look and see if I could help you out.

This story seems to have an interesting premise: someone's lost at a lake that could make you die from an amplified aging process. The characters have engaging quirks, like Max's diabetes, which you don't often find in a story this length, so nice going there!

At the same time, I found it difficult to engage properly with your characters. With the majority of the text dialogue, the conversation felt stilted with info-dumping--what sort of lake was it, what sort of guy was Max, etc.--and the pacing felt rushed. There's no conversation with Max, no description of the house or the car trip or even the lake. More description would help slow your story down and add an element of suspense which would help engage your readers. You might want to find a good beta reader, too, who can help you with things like grammar and punctuation in dialogue.

Good luck! I hope I helped.

~Arosis
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Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
lol This was pretty good, Gnome. I sense a Monty Python fan in you, no? :) Now, to repay your lovely review to me!

I think the satirical elements are quite obvious and occasionally effective, such as the excessive "-ouses" and the "-eths". (Very nice.) If you clean it up, I think this would be a phenomenal piece. So! Take out the ellipses in the first paragraph, create whole sentences, frame your dialogue properly, and put your 12 Gnomish commandments in a list format, and I think you have yourself a winner.

...And if you take part in a partying or an orgying, you must be sure to invite me. (lol jk) Thanks again for reviewing my piece, and I hope I helped a little!

~Arosis
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Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Paupers! It's a pleasure to review this for you when you took the time to review my own piece. Thought I'd review something else no one looked at yet, just get your piece on the board--NaNoWriMo works should not languish in isolation! :)

Obviously the start to a larger story. I like how you incorporated our modern dilemmas, setting them slightly into the future so you could play with it but making it realistic enough to seem extremely immediate and pertinent to us today. (My friend Brendan was caught in the G20 riots in Pittsburgh, so that made this work especially interesting to me.) A few moments that caught my eye before I consider a broader analysis:

*"As these world leaders arrived now, some in bullet-proofed RV’s, some by military helicopters and two Naval carriers." As...what? This is a fragment.

*"And shoot to kill authorisation had been given." Get rid of the "and"--it flows better without a conjunction starting the sentence. More immediate impact with a bigger bang (pun intended ^^) for your sentence buck.

* "Whilst Security Officers were confident that infiltration could be thwarted long before a threat could reach within a mile of the Constantine Palace..." This phrasing seems awkward and archaic, especially considering this time period. Say "While" and maybe change up "thwarted" with a smaller word--it might be less fancy, but it might flow better, too.

*We could really do without the two paragraphs of what kind of weather St. Petersburg is experiencing, I think. (Though I never knew it rained there--for some reason, I always thought it snowed. Who knew? Gah, I'm ignorant sometimes. Moving on...)

*I absolutely adore the bit with the alcohol and the officers, though careful of stereotyping.

* “…I think we need a little your magic." I think you mean "a little OF your magic."

* “And thank you, protesting public!" ...Okay, that line was brilliant. XD

* If you’re continuing the dialogue into a new paragraph, you need to start the new paragraph with a set of beginning quotation marks. Don't enclose the quote until your character is done speaking, but you need that first set of marks every paragraph to remind the reader that dialogue is still taking place--and by the same character.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty good set up for a larger piece. I especially enjoy the fact that I don't know if Lazarus is a morally good character or not. He seems to have a charisma strangely like Hitler's, and we all know that he used his charisma for some pretty terrible things. I wonder what'll happen there. You need to slow down the pacing a bit, too, especially when it gets to the second half and the mob is getting rowdy. I want details, not just you telling me what happened. Small details make a big impact. Try it and tell me what you think.

Thanks for the fun read, Pauper! Good luck finishing this, and I hope I helped.

~Arosis
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Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi! What an interesting, inventive, and distinctly Bacigalupi-esque world you've created in this story, Yacolt. Clothes that talk to you through a special new sense and threads; the C-Vegs; a computer that can feel with you and guide your dreams... It's a truly fascinating world to immerse yourself in. :)

That said, I feel like there is a distinct lack of connection and conflict in your tale. While Hannibal's dream connects back with the C-Veg experience, I don't understand the purpose behind the extended explanation of the special threads and the C-Vegs. You could get the same dramatic impact of many of the new technologies--the energy-absorbing gel shoes, the computer Vicky, the C-Veg--with maybe half of the time you spend explaining how things work.

Also, I had some trouble identifying a central conflict with Hannibal. Sure, there was a primal connection with Eden (you don't have to describe the fur as "Australopith fur" specifically, by the way) and the sensation created by the very advanced technological wonder of the C-Veg--but what is the point of this? I would develop your character and your plot a bit better if you choose to do some edit work on this.

Anyway, I would again whole-heartedly recommend Paolo Bacigalupi's work to you, as you seem to be writing in a similar style (and he's fabulous and I'm currently infatuated with him). Good luck and I hope this helped! Thank you for taking the time to review my own prologue. :)

~Arosis
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Review of pray for rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
A very powerful moment for your protagonist you've written for him to tell us, Eddie; I wish my own religious experiences were as touching and as transporting as the one you've described.

You demonstrated the way time shifted during your moment of transcendence well by describing the moment before God's throne, and then all of a sudden the meeting's over and you realize how you must've been with Him longer than you'd thought. That, and your repetition of "Pray for rain" were the most touching parts of your story for me. I took that prayer to mean a wish for a universal baptism--that other people could be figuratively and physically touched by God just as those at the tent meeting had been.

There were a few points you might want to work on, mostly grammatical. The whole story is told in only three paragraphs, and those are connected on-screen. You should probably break those up into smaller paragraphs, particuarly when a new character speaks--it makes it easier for your audience to read, especially on a computer screen. ^^ Also, punctuation could be spruced up a bit, with the addition of some commas and spaces between complete sentences. (Beta readers/editors are fabulous for this kind of thing. :) )

Adding some conflict or tension in the story might create more interest in the resolution. At this point, the story itself is merely a recounting of a religious experience: your protagonist attends, sees God, and leaves with his brother. Obviously, this was a poignant moment for the protagonist, but why choose this experience to relate? Where is the conflict? Is he questioning His existence, and this moment puts those doubts to rest? Is there something happening in the life of someone else, and after the meeting, that character is made content or is dissatisfied (unlike the protagonist)?

Anyway, I hope you continue to work on this! I'll be more than happy to review again when you make some edits. Thanks for sharing this story!

~Arosis
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Review of Fresh Start  Open in new Window.
Review by Arosis Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, there! I'm Arosis, and I thought I'd pop on by to read your prologue. I say "prologue" because this felt a little too vague for a first chapter. Its unnamed references to "the boy" and his "idol" establish a relationship and a mystery that a reader wants to know more about, but a first chapter is where you establish empathy between your star attraction (the boy, I think?) and the audience.

Starting with the death of a character--and the harsh reaction of his admirer--is quite the hook, though I would've liked to know more about the "leader" before we offed him. I understand that this is the very start and presumably the rest of the story will start before this porition, but a small personal detail might've made the connection to him deeper.

I was also a little confused as to where this was taking place. It's someplace huge--to hold dragons, it has to be! ^^--with cliffs, but is there a city around? Is it like the Great Plains of the US, with grass all around and nothing else? And how are there bullets and swords being used on the same field? It feels anachronistic.

Your boy is quite emotional, managing to convey his feelings without uttering a single word. I don't know why, but he reminds me of a younger Merlin from the Arthurian legend cycle--a young man with great power, but without control or a cause anymore. Kudos! I would keep an eye on the adjectives, though, like "peaceful, roaring sound"--how can it be both at once?

Anyway, not a bad start! Could use some polishing, but I'd keep reading. :)
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arosis