On the tempest night of the new moon her heart raced beyond the dynasties of time to breakfree of the midnight blues as the calm waves of the sea underneath the lost spark of the midnight gleam asked her to rest upon her soul's sheen.

Whew!!! I was almost breathless trying to read this out aloud!

I am not saying it is bad to use a sentence like this. But the thing is it is not easy to keep one's attention focused if the sentence is too long. There is a high probability that the reader will get bored and keep the story aside. As writers we have to try our best to keep their attention intact. Long sentences would most certainly ruin it.

I noted use of some nice words and imagery, but the very length marred the beauty of the sentence. Maybe you could break it up into smaller sentences for a better impact.

With regards to the punctuation, I would suggest you to use a space after comma and periods whenever you use them. It enhances the look of the text.

Did then the sunkissed sky,overshadowing the ballet of blue lit skies,glittered (should be glitter) oh so diamond like (use hyphens i.e. rewrite as oh-so-diamond-like to improve clarity),upon the skies lapse was she running,to tell him her heart's state-oh-being.

There were a number of instances in the rest of the text which could use hyphenation as well for example, oh so graciously or oh so poetic love story.

"Oh (comma, or exclamation mark required) look I fell for you."

But that's what a gal is supposed to say...!",down at the ground,fumbling she gazed.

I am not sure what you intended to say here, for there is a ending inverted comma but not the starting one.

"Its (apostrophe required, i.e. its should be It's) okay",he said

Broken hearted (hyphen required) ,did she feel for somedays (somedays is incorrect, rewrite as some days)