I really enjoyed reading your piece. I agree with the majority of your ideas and I am glad that someone besides me has stated what has been obvious for many years. I find it interesting that you point out the fact that you have become anesthetized to almost everything but this in particular.
While it is also a point of contention for myself I still find shock and horror in the things on the evening news. Five years from now that may change but I don’t like the direction that the world has gone in anymore than you. Personally, I think we have become a nation of sheep, content to be led in whatever direction the foolhardy Shepard cares to lead us.
Anyways, I’ll get off my soap box and get on to what’s really important here… the review.
The thing I like most about your piece is that I can almost feel the passion with which you imbue this piece. It starts as a small ember and then explodes into something hot and combustible as you near the end. The description of the conditions you grew up in were vivid and eloquent…really putting the reader into the proper frame of mind. What I didn’t hear in this piece is animosity at having grown up poor. On the contrary, I actually heard pride, which in my mind says that you are satisfied with what you have done with your resources and life, as well as where you came from and where you are today.
This used to be the drive behind the free market society and this nation, being able to become something no matter your roots. But as you pointed out, nowadays people feel entitled to things that they haven’t even earned.
I have to say that you not only make great points but you bring your views forward with clarity. There is also a feel to the cadence of your work that is reminiscent of John Steinbeck and just like him I hope you will continue to put your thoughts to paper with the same fiery honesty.
I did notice a few things that you might want to consider, they are listed below:
1.In this sentence, I believe you will find that “existence” is misspelled. You might also consider breaking up your longer sentences into smaller ones if possible.
“My existance is a single serving easily palatable combo meal high on flavor but low on real value that I unintentionally absorb, being truly unaware of anything save the drone and noise in the background of life itself.”
2. I don’t think you need a comma after dislike. It doesn’t seem to hold a natural pause when I read it. However, I will defer to your best judgment.
“I dislike, possibly even loath affirmative action. Not the idea of affirmative action, but the bastardized devil it has become. “
3. In this sentence I think you need to reconsider your word order and insert a do into the sentence. For example, you might consider “However, I do question…” This will make your sentence a little bit easier to read without all the pauses.
“I, however, question the value of giving people anything based only upon their minority status.”
4.I kind of got hung up on this sentence, particularly the “smoker’s teeth yellow painted the walls” I think all you need is an “a” before it so that it is clear that you are describing a color. So it might read “kerosene lanterns slowly grayed and a smoker’s teeth yellow, painted the walls…”I don’t know if I am capturing this right but I can say that I kind of tripped over the sentence, although I like the way you described the color.
“Due to my father’s surly refusal to pay Central Maine Power Company for Mr. Edison’s greatest invention, kerosene lanterns slowly grayed and smoker’s teeth yellow painted the walls and low hung ceilings.”
5. In the sentence below, I might suggest breaking up some of the ideas into separate sentences. This seems a bit long, perhaps run-on to certain extent. Being the clever and conscientious writer that you are, I believe you can find a way to break up some of your ideas here and let your reader take a breath.
“If it meant a white male, didn’t have to bake in the summer, and freeze in the winter, barely scratching a living from unforgiving Georgia clay, but could be hired at a factory and learn a trade, instead of being turned down in favor of a minority needed to fill a quota, I would be at the front of the line of supporters who sell affirmative action as one of the greatest advancement in equality since racial segregation was outlawed.”
6. I don’t think that you need all the commas here. If I were to re-write this sentence I might write, “What we must do is create a system or blanket policy for education, better jobs and the like across the board for all poor without looking at race, religion or any other factors.”
“What we must do, is create a system, or blanket policy for education, better jobs, and the like across the board for all poor, without looking at race, religion, or any other factors.”
In this sentence I think I would suggest making “truer” into “better”. Also, this sentence ended abruptly without telling the reader how adding a foot high stack of bills and a six inch stack of cash would help or what it would result in, or why, or who should receive it.
“The measure should not be skin color; a truer measure would be achieved by adding a foot high stack of bills, and a six-inch stack of cash.”
Again, I really did enjoy your work and I appreciate you being bold enough to really communicate what you think.
Artemis
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