This starts off great! You had me with the first sentence. Talk about sensual! It goes on sexier and sexier, without one actual sex scene. How do you do that? I would put a period after I watch his arse as he walks away and capitalize He, make that a new sentence. Your preference really. I am not the greatest authority of punctuation. Great ending too. It shows a little of the guilt she's been feeling about her husband. This was even better than the last chapter. Wow you've got a great talent for the sensual. Keep it going. I can't wait to read more.
Hi Kaitlyn,
I love this series of an illicit affair. It starts off wow! I think you're on the right track except for a couple of little things. I don't think Knees touching , heart pounding is a sentence. Also, I wouldn't have said I'm sat. I would have said I was sat in a room full of people with his knees touching mine, my heart pounding. Instead of calling him an asshole, I would have called him a smart ass which doesn't stand out so much. It's a little softer and that's only my opinion. After Later I would have put a comma and a small t in The.
The imagery is wonderful and I could hear my heartbeat and feel the desire because I was in a situation like this before although not in the office in school. I was over 30 and I got sucked in just like this woman. My best advice in a situation like this is to run away as fast as you can! I've been reading some of the other episodes and I can't wait to talk about them too. You have a gift for expressing emotion and I just loved it.
Wow that is a dark poem. Actually I like dark poetry. A couple of minor adjustments in the second line you capitalize Ready and I think it should be ready. On the line that starts The clouds turn black I'm not sure but I think you meant then perfect. Maybe not but maybe you can check it out.I actually love this poem. It is jam packed with emotion. An enormous amount of feeling went into this. Love the ending. I hope you're not feeling this bad. Keep writing I enjoyed this very much.
I like the title of this. I thought this would be a happy poem. Boy was I wrong.
This is very well done for an eighteen year old. I wrote a couple of things back then. Your's is better in some ways and just as depressing. I say you should keep writing because I think you could be a great writer if you keep at it.
WOW what a wonderful poem. I love the story it tells. I don't know if I care for the meander-y day. But that's just my own thought on it. Mostly I was very entertained by the poem. I loved the ending too. I liked the way you left the ending. You didn't need to come right out and tell it. It would have ruined the mystery. Wonderful poem.
This is a wonderful poem about poverty. It makes you realize just how being poor can make you feel. Many people have gone through hard times and it can really hurt the kids. Well constructed from beginning to end. If this is truly real it must have been horrible. I live on medicare ,SS,medicaid and food stamps. Elderly people like myself are impoverished too sometimes. God bless you and bring you some well deserved joy.
I find this a great poem. I like the beginning and ending. I also like the idea of one word poetry. It was easy reading and flowed along nicely. It just touched on eroticism in my opinion. That is okay with me.I think I would have liked it better if you stopped with Impossible, although the ending is still good and it's just a thought. Nice piece of work.
I like the way this poem starts and finishes.There is only one problem with it I can find, you overuse the word your. , I love the title as it explains a lot. I like the rhyme too. There is just something I can't put my finger on that makes me really enjoy this poem. Guess it's just the way it makes me feel.
I liked this poem a lot. The first line is great.There is a spelling problem with the last line. It should be itself not itsself. Nice rhythm and was easy to follow. Line length was good. I like the lines "A dream something I'm living in. Not even considered perfect" It looks like there is a space between the c and the t in perfect. A nice poem.
This is a fascinating poem. You had my attention every step of the way. The title didn't give away any idea of how this would turn out. It read well and I found nothing wrong to comment on. The whole poem held up well from beginning to end. It was truly amazing. More more more. Thanks for the great read.
A bitter sweet poem. I enjoyed reading it very much. It wasn't overdone but it flowed along nicely. I'd usually not go for the small i's but it works here. There's more here than meets the eye. I'm glad you didn't go down with the rain. The perfect title. In my opinion this is a great poem. Keep writing this stuff it's awesome
Welcome to the community! This poem blew me away. It was so deep and dark. But I love deep and dark poetry. I also loved the rhyme. Your title was perfect. There was so much imagery that was really great. You've described what the world has turned into. I hope it doesn't get any worse. It could keep you awake at night if you let it get to you. Bravo on a great read and a great poem!
Welcome to the community! It left me feeling depressed, this poem did. So many madmen give up. This poem had me thinking. The world can be a lousy place if you can't get it all together. Maybe just maybe your poem will save one of them. I think it's rated too low I think it's better than that.
I don't see any errors or anything so I think I'll rate it higher.
Welcome to the community! I think this poem has been underrated. Actually I think it's quite well done. You've said a lot with just a few words. It's quite fitting for the season. It made a strong impression on me. I'm glad you came back to poetry. Keep on writing.
This was a great poem. I loved the fact that you used the Great Gatsby. Read the book in college. The imagery was wonderful. And the title quite appropriate.The logic seemed good. I kinda wished you wouldn't have double spaced it. I loved how you ended it. Thanks for a great read.
This is right on. I got it that you were talking about death. I wonder why you didn't rhyme the lines in the stanza that starts I want to hand it over. Not that it matters much. I like your title and the way you lined it up this time. That was the only thing that kept me from giving you a 5 on Life Past. It's a terrific poem. Bravo!
This is a powerful wonderful poem. I particularly like it when you said his world can exist without him but without it he cannot. That is true for all of us I think. I feel a deep pity for this humble man. What imagery you've shown is very good. He is a man lost in his own world. Keep on writing.
This is a marvelous tribute to your friend. I felt your compassion but not pity. You've said it all with just these few lines. I think it great to have a caring friend such as you are to this person. I hope you showed it to her. Bravo! on a great poem. I hope everything gets better for her.
Nice poem but I don't see too much of Pollock here. The most is Drips down the walls-turn to spattered spots of tile floor. Anyway I still like this poem.I especially like the way you ended it. That last stanza is right on. I have a painting with the woman looking inside a window with rain drops. So it kinda reminded me of my painting.
A very interesting poem. I've often wondered about deja vu. I can just imagine living another life. It is a concept that could never be solved. Did you ever hear of Bridey Murphy? There was a book written about her. Under hypnosis she underwent age regression and she started talking a completely different language than she knew. Some claim it was just a hoax but I still find it questionable. Great poem though.
This is a great poem. I love the imagery and descriptions. It flows along nicely. It is a pleasure to read. It shows a lot of intelligence. The thought that went into this poem is astounding. I loved it. It sounds like you've taken a snapshot of some of these places and maybe you have. I was captivated.
Awesome poem. It was delightful and heartwarming. Should be required reading in elementary school. I like the picture you selected to go with it too. I like the title. The rhyme and rhythm were good.
I liked this poem a lot. It has great spirit. I used to bowl but haven't in years. This makes me want to try it again. Of course I wasn't as good at it as you are. Having read your bio. I liked the rhyme too. I couldn't find anything really wrong with this poem. Some of the rhyme was a little forced,however, but that is just my opinion.Doesn't really take away from the fact that this is a fine poem.
This is an outstanding poem. The imagery was wonderful. The rhyme and rythym were impeccable. I enjoyed reading it so much. It told a wonderful story and I was spellbound. I could have gone on and on.Bravo! on a fabulous poem. I hope you win the contest cause you have my vote. That's if I could vote and where I'd vote . Oh well Congratulations.
Patty
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/artiste616
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:29am on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
