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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/asevans48
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5 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by John Pen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The concept is well defined and interesting and there is a progression to showing instead of telling. You flush out the story fairly well.

Still, you are telling instead of showing. Showing can add much more passion to the story.

For instance:

A highway patrolman stopped behind my car and got out to check my license plates. I looked back at my 1981 Firebird Trans Am with an eagle of fire that I painted on the hood. It's an eye-catcher and my pride and joy.

Could Be:

I looked as the patrolman disappeared behind the car to check my license plate, shooting a pride filled glance at the fire eagle on the hood. The delicate handcrafted bird screeched power, the defined feathers and life-like beak gave prominence to just how tuned my trans am was.

Some things could be reworded for more effect as well.


I woke up hurting all over. A bright light was getting brighter and closer to my eyes, and I wondered why that darn car didn't pass by me?

Could Be:

The searing bright light pierced my bones. Why couldn't the car just pass me? How am I alive?

Shorter paragraphs or paragraphs with detail and more adjectives would help too.
2
2
Review of Garden Sores  Open in new Window.
Review by John Pen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Decent. Some words could be dropped or rewritten.

Of course, she had no intention of going through the gate, it was just that if the tattered men saw her escaping, their own energies would spike.

could be....

She had no intention of going through the gate but the energy of the undead would spike if they saw here escaping.

Some other awkward word choices could be reworded.

“Arrr.” The voices were coming clearer; sounds were forming where all sounds had been banished. Life was breathing through desire and she was being chased; yes, she was enough to wake the dead.

This paragraph seems a bit odd. The first two sentences are great but the next sentence, clear enough, could be reworked.
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3
Review of Deer on Parade  Open in new Window.
Review by John Pen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
It is well written but there could have been some better play for emotion. People hunt. A little back story would make this better. For instance, how had the animals lived before man came? Why is this different from the rest of the animal kingdom killing for food? How is hunting so much worse than an eagle launching a mountain goat off of a cliff?

I get where you are going. This is not a bad start.
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