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12 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Hidden truth  Open in new Window.
Review by Ashley Kay Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Set the Owl Free. I'm Ashley Kay. I noticed only a few things I'd change in this writing. These are only my opinions, so feel free to ignore me *Smile*

You wrote: "Everyday a fresh bruise, on your face so everyone can see. Everyday you have that same smile, but that smile can only fool so many. I look into the eyes of people and see how they’re really feeling. You’re scared, lost, wanting out. I was there once too, but I did it to myself." ** Leave out the comma after "bruise". Try putting 'and' in between "lost, wanting out". Add a comma after "once".**

You wrote: "You think I don’t know what’s going on, but I do. I just want you to know I’m here for you, I’m always going to be here for you. I may have met you a couple months ago, but I care. I care about people too much." **Add a colon after "I'm here for you" to make it a reassuring statement.**

You wrote: "So tell me, who is doing this to you? Mom, dad, sibling? I know it’s at home, you wouldn't have that look in your eye if it wasn't. I want to know, do you want my help?" **Add a comma after "So", delete comma after "me", and combine "who is" into "who's". Try, "Is it your mom, you dad, or a sibling?". Try, "I know someone is doing this to you at home, you wouldn't have that lookin you eye if it wasn't."

This is a very emotional piece that made me want to help the person being talked about, which is a good tool when you write since you want to relate to your readers. Very effective and well written *Smile*
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Review by Ashley Kay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, JoshJ. First, I would like to say I really enjoyed your short story. I like the foreshadowing at the beginning where Deputy Jordan pointed out that they should get more help and I did a very female thing at the conclusion of your story and gasped (but it was worth it!)

With that said, I only noticed one thing that confused me. You wrote: "Senior Deputy Rodriguez jumped up from his seat in the front row and turned on a heel towards the audience. Shouting, he said, “Look here for all you who think this is funny or deserves your laughter. This woman might have killed our own damn people! Right now, I’ll pull the damn trigger if she breaths the wrong way!” His face was set hard as stone; his eyes had a wild look to them. He took his seat again a moment later."

Senior Deputy Rodriquez's statement sounds weird after "Look here". I wonder if you meant something like, "Look here: For all of you who thinks this this is funny, none of this deserves you laughter."

Other than that, I liked your story. The flow of it was good and the end was killer...I just made a joke :) Seriously, though, you should never understimate a woman with a gun. We're crazy. Great story!
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