Good morning! Thanks for sharing this chapter with everyone--it takes a brave person to seek constructive feedback.
This chapter read much like a rough draft for me, mostly due to its grammatical errors. I would suggest having a writer you trust take a look through just for proofreading purposes, paying attention to dialogue and missed commas/punctuation. Generally speaking, dialogue has commas at the end of a statement but before the closing quotation mark ("Oh my word, I thought I had done that," she said. Also notice that the first word after a bit of dialogue is not capitalized, as the ending dialogue isn't typically considered a full stop.)
You're missing a few commas, too, for dependent clauses and such. (One particularly pertinent example is: "As Kenton exited the carriage and did a few stretches the man and the boy descended the steps towards him." You need a comma after "stretches" as part of the introductory clause.)
You've also got tense issues. Take this snippet here:
The gates were something to behold, they look to be made of dark seamless wood. There are no bolts, rivets or metal bands to be seen. The gates are attached to the wall using very large hinges that disappear into the wood with no visible sign of their existence. Such a door would be unbreachable by any means; this too spoke of the powerful magic within the city.
^You're switching between past ("were" & "spoke") and present ("look," "are," & "disappear") for no reason I can see. Pick a tense and stick with it throughout the piece!
The grammar stuff is all semantics, but it really takes away from the reading experience and creates a very choppy read for anyone trying to immerse themselves into the story. It's important to get right.
Anyway, on to the meaty stuff--the plot and characterization and...stuff!
*I particularly enjoyed how you opened the chapter with Kenton being unable to write his letter! That was a very clever way to not only introduce the protagonist but his character, as well.
*There's a bunch of infodump in your dialogue and it clogs the story. One immediate examples I can think of is at the start:
"I would say it should take us at least fifteen minutes to reach the gates and depending on how crowded it is we should be there in an hour" said the driver.
"Why does it take so long to get around in the city?"
"We must go slower and stop more often in the city plus the Archium and the headship schools are in the upper areas of the city, it's just about the farthest from the gates and market place".
^Why do I need to know any of that right now? At this point, I think it's unnecessary and sounds artificial in the dialogue. There are a couple instances like that, so keep your eyes open for it.
*The universe seems quite intricate and planned, which is always nice. I love the redefining of "clout" as a measurement of magical power!
*While you place the story at the start of the story arc--Kentin is the newest master at a prestigious university--I feel like there's little reason for me to worry or care about this protagonist. He's got no problems aside from arrogance, is so powerful that he's made a master at what seems to be a very young age with absolutely no justification given for such power, and he's not struggling in any way. Where are his doubts? His fears? He doesn't even seem to have any sort of enemies whatsoever. If this is a story of his fall from grace, we're shown no reason for us to care that he falls; if this is a story of his ascension to power and accomplishment of great deeds, you started him too high.
At this point, the story is reading more like a personal daydream rather than the start of a novel or epic story. The protagonist is powerful, well-connected, and with no flaws other than arrogance--which, in this chapter, seems to be completely justified. Unfortunately, this would not be a story I would continue reading as-is. Get some help with the grammar stuff and start thinking about why a reader would root for Kenton. Make him a little less perfect, prove/show to us that he deserves this position, and that'll make for a much better read. If you do some dramatic overhauls, I'd be willing to read this over again for you! :)
Have a great day, and good luck on your revisions!
~Ashley
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