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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/atkinandganley
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Public Reviews
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Elements; great start to a book, really curious on how you are going to continue it and didn't expect the kings men to come let alone sound like they are corrupt (I'm sure that's how they were back then too). Anyway, I'll start with the positives!

Positives:

I loved some of your descriptive sentences, really bringing the story more alive...

The pain was horrific. It felt as though burning embers were lodged in his back, shooting their heat right up to his brain
Revulsion filled him, overshadowing any fear he might have felt, and he spat. “King’s men. Piss on you, and your king.” The sour smell of wine came out with his words.
In the flickering light of the torches it seemed black, and the golden traceries on his gauntlets gleamed.

I am a fan of surprises and thought the kings men at the end was surprising especially with how they acted and also the brief introduction of Lord Venner, curious to see who he is and how he acts.

Constructive criticism:

You are missing the word 'men'.

One of the MEN grabbed the scythe away

I thought the lines 'Stop it!” he screamed in frustration' wasn't that emotional, would he be frustrated or more angry, or upset, frustration to me didn't bring to the life the fact his wife is getting brutally raped.

When they had finished with his wife, they cut her throat (No emotion again. I am wondering if the bandits are going to be a major part of the story, and if this is their introduction, make me hate them. Describe the wife's death a bit more).

And also the opening introduction to the prologue, 'A group of bandits attack and murder a young family'. I think an awesome surprise was wasted, have the farmer explore the barn and describe his animals, than burnt barn, make me curious about what is going to happen, the reveal that while this is happening his wife is getting raped 'WOW moment!'

Just my two cents, would love to read the next part, or this part if you feel like it could be a bit better, because it sounds like a book I would read. Good work.

Nathan
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