I've been so busy I haven't been able to really do any reviewing, but I wanted to stop by and give you some quick comments about your piece!
I really liked it! I'm super curious to read part 2 and find out more about the mysterious pills! I did find some instances of repeated words and other editing issues but there wasn't many! I tried to go back and looked for them but I couldn't find them again! I'm mostly on my phone lately so it's hard to take notes or anything! But I just wanted to come by and say hi and that I was really hooked on this story!
I am still fairly new to reviewing, but I hope some of this is still useful for you, and if not you ultimately know best, as the author of the piece.
- I think the opening could use a little revising. I found it a little confusing and I felt like it did not hook me enough. The story did not really hooked me until the paragraph that began with "When the doors to the club opened…" Perhaps you could start from there and describe the rest of the opening as back story as your book moves along?
- Overall I think the chapter lacks clarity. I found myself having to reread some things because I didn't really understand them the first time around. I think a simple re-read can easily point out some of these places since the confusion sometimes comes from a mistyped word, or the like.
- All of that being said, when the chapter picked up a little bit I did find it really interesting. Once I realized they were in a strip club I enjoyed the situation of a 60 years old aunt and her twenty something nieces together at a strip club.
- I think the closing of the chapter was its strongest part. It ended in a cliff hanger which makes the reader want to read the next one.
I do not feel comfortable critiquing the grammar since I am honestly terrible at it myself. Overall however, other than a few confusing bits I thought this story has a lot of potential!
I really enjoyed this piece. I think it near-perfectly embodies what it feels like to be attracted to a person who is also you close friend, and how hurtful it is to watch them with somebody else.
That being said, my main critique for the piece would have to be that at times I found it a little confusing. If I'm correct, the story being narrated jumps around all the way from 8 months in the past and then to the present. I think this is helpful in order to really get into the narrator's mind, but as it is right now I find it a bit hard to follow. A lot of the time I was kinda left wondering about what period in their relationship the narrator was talking about.
As far as I can tell that is the only issue with this piece. I really think it is great overall, and I can definitely relate to it!
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