this is a very moving story...one really feels the pain of the little child...not so much the physical pain but the mental side of it...these are all realities of life...sometimes we r blessed sometimes we are not...and also it is a little reminder that all the things we take for granted are not actually so...i thank God i have got wonderful parents...
P.S nice work, now onder this won a prize
Cheers!
Do check my profile if and when you find the time!
Hey nice work...its really well written...emotional and very graphic...the pain we feel when betrayed by friends is the worst of all...
the rhyming is good!
Here are a few suggestions;
re.written should be 're-written'
abiss should be 'abyss'
deciet should be 'deceit'...remember the golden rule...i before e except after c!
in the 23rd line...lives should be 'live's'
Some other suggestions
in the abyss of honour and deciet
change it to...in the abyss of DIS-honour and deciet
dwindling between deaths,all in vain
change it to...dwindling between life and death;all in vain
i loved these lines
neither love nor friendship the eyes hold,
victims to them they have long since been;
never closed for they see no more,
never open for they cherish what has been seen!
this is a very light and refreshing piece...these are the simple pleasures of our life that really make it worthwhile...if it wasnt for these small islands of peace we would be drowning in the hectic scheduele that we love to call life...nice work...Cheers!
this is very nice...so much said in so few words...the poem started well...good paradoxes and developed nicely in the middle...
i liked the lines
You made me see with my heart
You gave me peace of mind
I dreamed of you all my life
And as I awoke to your beauty
My dreams were shattered by
fate's cruel blow
however i felt that it lost its bite at the end...u used breathe too much which made it sound awkward
Great work...Cheers!
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