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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/axam.maumoon
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Axam Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As a piece to send a message, to explain a situation, such as the break-up (I think) and the toxic situation you found yourself in consequence that you're describing, you've done a good job. The vocabulary isn't too off-centre, it's direct and objective. Well done on that.

What kind of poetry would you like to write though? Because the beauty in poetry is telling your story while saying it in a way that makes people find their own individual meaning vicariously through your piece. I think that's what you would like to achieve, given the little note at the bottom? If you'd like to do that, I'd suggest a more metaphorical approach, to describe your story. It's another level of poetic effort, in which you'd be using a whole lot of descriptive words and phrases.

For example:
“I can’t recall when first you began
to subject me to your daily assaults,
but nowadays I know that I can
count on you to find all my faults.

can be written as:
"I can't recall the dawn of the day,
you drew battle lines and assaulted me,
but now I'm sure, I can safely say,
you'd paint my flaws, that's all you see"

It's the first thing off the top of my head, it's my style of poetry, so I only use it as a suggestion, don't take it as a rule! XD

Going on, poetry is usually read for the joy of reading rather than to only give a message, so one more element you can include is to balance the 'beats' of the verses, ie. make each verse have the same number of syllables. For example:

“Every day I reflect upon what to do,
since I simply must spend time with you.

Could be:

"Every day I wonder what to do,
Since I simply must spend time with you"

That's roughly 9/9 syllables for both verses now, just by a very simple change. This also adds to making the piece a joy to read, wouldn't it?

So in conclusion, if you're new to writing poetry, I'd say you're on the right track! You've got your verse style down, the language as well, and all you have to do if you'd like to impact people even more, is to polish off the style. Remember, not everyone will 'get' poetry, so don't let that discourage you! I hope this review helps, do tell me what your thoughts are!
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Review of A Minute To Spare  Open in new Window.
Review by Axam Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's heartfelt, to say the least. Honest and straightforward in the message. As for the language used, I can see that you went for the casual American, by the word 'bucks' used in the context of money, but I always felt like what makes a poetic piece a joy to read is based a lot on the language used too. I would recommend a more general use of English, with a few synonyms thrown in to represent the context.

As for the poetic element, there are lines where the 'beat' differs. Now, as I understand, a poem is basically a song without the music; it has its own rhythm and rhyme, and if you break that rule you're writing prose. Here I expect you aimed at achieving a poem, so the lines could reflect the same number of beats as each other. For example:

to help them at a time

when they are down on their luck

could be changed a little to say

to help them at times,
they're down on their luck.

if you count the syllables, you'll get 5/5 beats, yeah? This would make the entire piece so much more enjoyable to read.

To conclude, I really like the message being given here, and I hope you can get back to me with your thoughts on my reivew. Goodday!
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Review of Silent Whispers  Open in new Window.
Review by Axam Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short and sweet, sometimes messages like this carry the heaviest meaning. Whispers in the wind could represent so many entities, wouldn't it? Sometimes it could be the voice in your head, sometimes it could be the voice of God, but here I think it's your subconscious reaching out. Life feels like a game when you attribute someone else as a judge, right? But then again, who would've told you that what you've done is considered sin if the whisper comes from within?

The repetition of the first verse down in the fifth resounds an ending to the piece, smartly put. Tell your dog I said 'woof', 'tis a good piece I would love to share as well.
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