Hello again,
The story has a clear, delineated beginning, middle and ending-difficult to successfully achieve in such a short word count. Well done. I can see this as a beginning for a longer piece
Ten-year-old Elle Palmer woke with a start. Not a hook that makes me want to read further. Too many stories I do not critique begin with someone opening their eyes or waking up. A waste of words better utilized in moving the plot forward.
Her father was standing in the doorframe of her bedroom holding a lantern. A tall man casts a tall shadow across the dingy lodgings. The flickering light threw strange shadows on his face. A suggestion, (and please remember it is my option as a reader only) would be to condense these three sentences into one concise sentence to avoid redundancies.
His eyes glowed with intense fear. Verb –A filter word distancing reader from the narrative.
“What’s wrong, papa?” the girl (his young daughter) asked and started crying. “I didn’t do anything bad, papa.” (Again, combine sentences and actions that fir neatly together)
“Never mind,” he said, traversing the room in three large strides. He threw some clothes (identify an article of clothing, a coat perhaps?) Into the young girl’s lap. “Put those on. Quick.” (Short sentences to indicate stress and urgency.)
The man had been gazing out the bedroom window. (I suggest turning towards the window as he hears the mob, sees the fiery brands. Some indication of the problem needed so the story can coalesce) He turned on the girl with frank anger. “I swear to hell, Elle, you get dressed, or I’ll …”)
Different actors = different paragraphs:
He raised his hand (to smack the child is unnecessary.)
She shrank back in terror. (This is telling instead of descripting her actions)
“Aw, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Get dressed, baby.” (Would a fearful man speak like this in a time of high stress and danger???)
She did. Her father waited impatiently, finally doing up the last button on the nondescript beige-colored shirt himself. On-the-nose writing isn’t necessary and drags the plot. The word “button” could be utilized elsewhere.
“Where are we going, papa? Elle buttoned her frayed coat.
“Never mind.”
They stole out the backdoor, the father roughly dragging the girl by the hair. They crouched low among the cattails and pickerelweeds, watching the mob of shouting men moving further up the yard, torches burning in their hands. Might make the paragraph more suspenseful by separating the action of man and child from the mob.
“I’m scared,” confessed the girl. (Dialog tags are generally limited to “said” and “asked.”)
Her father’s grip tightened. “Yeah.” Good use of action tag!!!
They pulled a wooden canoe into the nearby river and boarded it. (How did they get to the river? ) Once they were a good distance out, the man permitted (Verb filtering the narrative) himself a backward glance. The entire cabin was up in flames now. The sound of the mob had subsided. Frogs croaked in the darkness.
“I’m sorry I killed the stable boy.” (Some indication of speaker needed, and a clue as to why the boy was killed.)
“It’s okay, baby.”
“Where are we gonna go, papa?”
“That’s a good question.”
“Is there somewhere out there with other people like me?”
He studied her thoughtfully. “Perhaps.” (Telling)
She smiled, her fangs gleaming white in the moonlight. (The ending, I feel does a disservice to the reader because no indication the couple was vampires hinted at in the body of the story. Would be like the movie Jaws not mentioning a shark until the attack.
Keep striving to achieve success as a writer,
Cathryn
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