"Y10ou may want to do something for them and you can but do realize you are in two different worlds!"
In the above I'm sure the first word is a typo.
In Chapter Three I found a few minor mistakes that are easily corrected.
These two sentences can be combined for a smoother flow by adding a few commas and changing the period to a comma. Also, instead of saying 'focus your form' maybe you could say 'focus your thoughts'.
You wrote:
“Well you won’t have a lot of strength with this but you focus your form where your hand is. It becomes... thicker and won’t go through things as easy."
Try this instead.
Well, you won’t have a lot of strength with this but, if you focus your thoughts where your hand is, it becomes...thicker, and won’t go through things as easy."
In the following sentence you might want to substitute
'threw' for something like this.'I placed my hand on the wall' Also it ties into the next sentence better.
I threw my hand in front of me and tried to 'focus'...
They both smiled at each other as they stared into eachothers eyes. Easy fix, just a typo.
Also leave out 'at each other' it's not needed.
b}They both smiled as they stared into each others eyes.
Good dialog, keeps the story moving.
Part Four
She was in a room being asked questions she didn't know the 'answer' to. This word should be plural. more than one question is being asked.
"Yes you were there and yes you did! Josh was there with you, and... he's dead! Kris!" Thats why you killed him."
Place a comma after 'Yes, there, and yes,' The procecutor would most likely want to emphasize his words to get more of a response out of the witness.
"Thats why you killed Khris." In this sentence put an apostrophy in the word, That's, He is saying that is. Also a comma after That's, Procecutors are very dramatic when they try to get a meaning across.
You can express the drama through punctuation.
"Unbelievable." The man in the black suit said as he turned away from Kathryn. He had enough of her little act, though he began to wonder if it was in fact an act. Well of course it’s an act she remembered it all yesterday!
In the above sentences, put the exclamation after the word, "Unbelievable!" He would raise his voice here in shock and probably raise his hands in the air in frustration, so this word needs an exclamation mark.
Also, in the third sentence put a comma after the word act, eliminate the exclamation and replace with a comma. He is just making a statement.
I liked all the dialog in chapter four. And Kathryn's responses to the questions. It truly showed that she was not thinking straight. Good job in this chapter
Chapter Five
This sentence seems to be all one thought, maybe it should be all one sentence.
“So you think that if the police have memory of Ben dying… and have memory of his dad hiding Ben’s corpse. That Ben can leave because he will have justice, and I may leave because…”
I noticed you start a lot of sentences with the word
So. Try not to use it so often.
Example:
You think, that if the police had a memory of
of Ben dying and of his dad hiding his corpse, Ben would be able to leave, because he would have had justice, then maybe I could leave because...
So, you see what I mean. LOL
I went ahead and helped Kris to see how exactly he could mess with a living things memories.
In case I needed to do the same thing.
The above sentences need to be combined. It also needs a little rewording.
I went with Kris to see exactly how he could mess with another living thing's memory, in case I needed to do the same thing.
So when we wanted memories of Bens murder we went to his old house where his father still lived.
The above sentence could also use rewording. Again you started with the word So.
{c;red}Since we wanted memories of Ben's murder, we went to his old house where his father still lived.
I looked over there and I saw him. It was a clean man,
Change It, to He was a clean man. The use of it refers to things.
This sentence needs restructuring.
"Ben? Is that you?" He asked as apparently he felt our presence somehow, that or he was very paranoid… That’s what happens though when you kill your only son though, isn't it?
Example:
"Ben, is that you?" He asked, somehow he apparently he felt our presence, that, or he was very paranoid… I guess that’s what happens when you kill your only son, isn't it?
There is no need for two questionmarks.
Glad to see you are still writing your story. It is coming along nicely. Be more careful with your grammar
and punctuation. I will keep in touch with you if you need more advice. Have to go now, work calls, need to pay some bills. Ginger
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