I'm guessing this isn't finished yet? I enjoyed what I read anyway, I think you've got a good starting point for a story here, with some good characters and a lot of plot opportunities. One thing I did find slightly annoying was all the stuff at the beginning about other planets and space travel- this isn't expanded upon and leaves a slightly confused image about what kind of world we are dealing with- if I were you I would just set the story on a single world or planet unless you are planning to expand the story to include more about the world/space travel that you mention a the beginning. Other than that I found a couple of little errors I have highlighted below:
"We come around a bend in the trail and I can see a single pointed, slate-shingled roof silhouetted against the sky"
"And don't forget to wash behind your ears."
But I think this has a lot of potential and would love to read more if you are continuing this. So keep on writing!
This is very sad, but sweet, and written with the right amount of empathy to really put the reader into the shoes of your protagonist. There are a lot of parts which I really enjoyed.
SIMILE He was balanced on the edge of his chair trying to look professional and empathetic, but he appeared to Malcolm to be trying to hold back a wall-shaking fart while sitting in church This is a very apt way of describing the doctor, and puts an image of him in our minds. It helps us to see both how he looked, and how he was feeling about the whole thing, showing his discomfort. It also has a slight humour to it, showing that even when he knew the worst news was coming, Malcolm could think of something slightly positive and uplifting. Finally, it reminds us how humans notice the funniest little things especially when they are highly emotional.
IMAGERY For two years he rotted away while the doctors pumped him full of radiation and toxic medicines This image has none of the light tone of before, and shows that Malcolm has a despairing side too. It is however a good image (if slightly disturbing) because it shows the audience what it is that Malcolm fears and why he, in the end, chooses to end his life.
With cancer, you carried it within you, invisible and totally unstoppable I liked this line too because again it shows the cause of his fears, a sudden lack of control over his life.
A couple of little things that niggled me reading this story (they were only very small, it is almost flawless) were:
Firstly: Your second line It's always been the case for Malcolm Waters always felt slightly gramatically incorrect, I'm not sure why. I feel it would read better, and form a better link to your first sentence, if you said This had always been the case for Malcolm Waters.
Secondly: Again a minor point, but maybe a little too much boating vocabulary in this: hoisted a GenuaEPIRB canister remember the majority of your readers will not be boaters.
Apart from that, it's a great story that I enjoyed reading. Well done!
I think I can see the twist that's coming... Tony's not the murderer, that guy pretending to be a policeman was? Maybe, I'll have to read on to find out. I noticed:
wondered.'Is he waiting for the right moment or what?'
You just need a space between the full stop and Is.
Tony insisted on preparing
I think it should be Tony had insisted, but what you've got is probably fine, you just may want to change it to be on the safe side.
I'm looking forward to reading on and finding out what happens next. this is very fast moving, it's great because it doesn't drift off or have hazy, confused patches.
The story continues as well as it was begun, even better I'd say. I liked the little radio bit, that worked well with everything, and even more of Beth's character is beginning to show. One little thing I'd like to say:
He is more trouble than enough
Doesn't seem to fit in, and I have always heard the expression in a different way "more than enough trouble." It's up to you, but if it was me I'd remove that small sentence as it doesn't seem to fit in.
Overall neat and clear in it's meaning. I noticed a small mistake:
chisiled in cold gray
Should be chiselled, I think.
It was slightly obvious that Ted was dead from the beginning, if only because people's names don't tend to be up on stones unless they died doing something heroic. However, this may be intended as part of your story, but you may want to change the format a little, as if "Ted" was only looking at the statue to see the names of his friends, should you want to have more of a twist at the end.
One last thing which doesn't need changed but which I think would look better:
1 year anniversary of the Great Fire
I think should be:
first anniversary of the Great Fire
Though it really makes no difference, I just think the second format works better.
Well, congratulations on a nice little story that was interesting to read!
Lil Ray.
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