Hey, nickyg! I saw this on the Review Request page. And then I saw that it was about a disgruntled woman – and, shoot, I’m all over that.
I’m glad I read this - I love your writing style. It’s gritty and dirty. There are a few areas you might want to work on, but overall, you’ve got a good opening chapter here. It kept me reading to the end - if I hadn’t stopped to review, I would have gone on to the next chapter and that is half the battle.
general stuff: This is short for a chapter – or did you break it up to make it easier to read online? Either way, there’s a not heckova lot happening, but that doesn’t matter - the narrative is engaging enough to keep me there. You have a lovely rhythm to your words, almost prose-y. And the way you weave in the backstory – awesome. Character development is amazing. Stella is sharp and clear and very real, very well drawn.
Here’s the only major problem I saw: I gotta admit – I didn’t really find their behavior completely believable for two people who’ve been up all night packing their noses. Yeah, Stella’s hips are jittery, but it’s attributed to her new freedom, not narcotics. The account of their careful conversations and long, awkward silences just doesn’t ring true. It’s too – too – I don’t know. Too sedentary, maybe? I noticed this was listed under the "experience" genre. If you've got experience in this type of situation, bring it. You've got the ability to make your reader taste it at the back of their throat, feel it in their fingertips - you could make someone who's never done a hit in their whole life feel like they have - that's how good you are. Give yourself the space. It's a novel, you've got room to sprawl a little, right?
Anyway. Moving right along. Storywise, since this is only the first chapter, and a short one at that, I really don’t have much to say. You did a brilliant job introducing Stella, and setting up her situation, and you ended the chapter with a page-turning comment. What more could a reader want?
nitpicky stuff: Ah yes - here’s where I micro-manage your work. Seriously. I’m going to be all up in your story’s grill. Some other things you should know: I get chatty, I’m liable to contradict myself, and I usually make at least one bad joke. The most important thing, though, is that all my suggestions are offered with utmost respect to you, the author.
"She swayed her hips rhythmically to the bouncing beat that only she heard inside her head." – The opening line has to be amazing. You know that. Someone who writes this well has to know that. You know which line really really hooked me? The cigarette line further down in the . Now that is one attention-grabbing line. Even though I’m gonna pick it apart right…about…now…
"Her skeletal cigarette, ash dangerously hanging on, sat neglected between two fingers. Her nostrils burned like the cherry." – To me, “skeletal” implies that the cigarette is dead, used up, all ash – in short, I don’t see a cherry on it at all. And maybe that’s why I had to read the “nostrils burned” line a few times before I connected it with the cigarette in her hand. Now don’t get me wrong - I like “skeletal” - it fits the tone of this scene perfectly – but maybe you could, yanno, tell us where the cherry is.
"Strangers had always complimented her…" – Nice.
"Stella was slim but strong, a build well suited for the demands of hunting and gathering, but she was hollow tonight." – Huhwha? I admit it. I’m stymied. This line went right over my head. The part about her feeling hollow – that I get. It’s the hunter-gatherer reference that threw me.
"The substance on the table, appearing as innocent as a misplaced pile of snow, was responsible." Dude - brilliant, effective imagery is one of your strong points. But here – well, not so much. There’s no such thing as an innocent-looking pile of cocaine. No matter how you cut it. Heh heh heh. No, really – I didn’t bring it up just so I could slay you with my rapier-like wit. That was just a happy coincidence.
"She felt runway beautiful anyway, and dangerous," – Remember when I mentioned tightening up the tension, getting more into the coked-up mindframe? I think this phrase is perfect for that - it's a very sharp, sniffy-type thought.
"One more line, she told herself, and she would call it a night." – Aw yeah. Good stuff. It’s always "one more". If you want this line to pop a little more, you could make it a separate .
"It was not the glamorous night that she had envisioned earlier, strutting out the door with friend in hand, but there was nowhere else to go." – Nice.
"Despite its newness, however, she watched the phone struggle through only an hour of use before buzzing its last vibration." - careful here –a few lines later the phone dies a quiet, lonely death, forgotten in her handbag under the table. Also - the way this is worded, it’s saying that the phone is new, not the charge.
"At the time, Stella was even glad that she hadn’t dragged along the charger;" – this is an awesome . You totally nailed the passive-aggressive tactics of relationship fighting. Well done! But this line, "Without his anger, there was no traction, no foothold, nothing to justify her decision not to go home." made me stop and think – isn’t she even going to listen to the messages (er – read them, I mean)? Did she really decide not to go home because she reckoned she knew what he was going to say? [shrug] Meh. Maybe Stella would, but this girl would want to know exactly what he said/texted so I could throw it in is face later. Or did I read that all wrong – was she only thinking that maybe she wouldn’t go home?
"Her audience, a poster boy for ads against drugs, especially those claiming stunt growth, she thought, was captivated." – One of the few mechanical gripes I have with this piece. Most of your fragments and long-ish sentences flow beautifully, but this one clunks. Too many – what’s the term – clauses? Those phrases separated by commas. Gah – grammar police, where are you? Anyway. Consider trimming something out of that line, for clarity. And there might be a word missing between "claiming" and "stunt". Oh – a little inconsistancy here, he’s “captivated” by her twitchy hips, but this seems contradictory to his showing "…the first signs of life all evening." later.
"He nodded, fiddled with the scab on his elbow." – Nice detail. Well, not nice, it's kind of ewww, but you know what I mean.
"“Maybe I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to think that the problem was marriage itself. Had some crazy notion that it was something you could excel in if you just tried. I refused to see it as the farce it is—how it’s only a channel through which we age each other.” " – Clearly, Stella is an intelligent individual. But sometimes her dialogue comes off as stiff, like she’s reading lines in a play or something. I’m not saying you need to dumb her down. Maybe just make her sound a little less like Lilith from Cheers.
"She shouted his name like a question, an exclamation, a plea, but still there was no response.”" – Another dialogue nit. Same as above.
"His eyes, having fallen on his ankles like the purpose of her story was hidden there, rose to meet her own." – Aw, man. I know you wrote it this way to avoid the cliché, “He studied his ankles, as if …” – maybe if you replaced “on” with “to”?
"“So I ran. Couldn’t see s*** in front of me,” a chuckle. “In front of my jelly shoes.”" – You might
want to put a period after “me” and capitalize “a” – like so: “…front of me.” A chuckle. “In front of…” . Especially since you capitalized "Shook away the image.".
"A laugh. “Actually, she went back to him a month later.”" – Like I said before – excellent place to end the chapter. I was so ready to read more.
I think – yes, I think that’s all. Holy crap, that was a huge monster review. But listen – whether you take any of my suggestions or not, any time you put into editing/rewriting this will be well worth it. You’ve got a fresh, unique voice – all you need is a little polish. But not too much. Then you’ll sound just like everyone else.
The only reason I gave this a 3.5 is because I don't think you're going all-out. I think that if you stretch just a little more, you will be an incredible writer.
Thanks for a great read, nickyg. Hope you found something helpful in here.
Sheila
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