Oh I hope this is only chapter one. I found I wanted to know more about all the people involved. There are a few spelling errors that you need to correct which a quick edit job will do, they distract from the story but not so much that it made me want to stop reading. I hope that you will continue with this work and allow me to read and review more of it. Thank you for allowing me to read and review this.
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This leaves a lot to the imagination which can be a good thing and a bad thing. At the beginning when your telling about him the line 'Derek was working his way up in a large corporation and dressed and spoke the part of an employer with an errant employee.' This is more telling than showing. Changing a few words and reworking the line would make this more telling. Example 'Speaking to her more like an employer to an errant employee, it was clear he was working hard to or his way up that corporate latter. Even dressing the part in his expensive suit.' This is the only spot that I found though out the story that you did this. Over all it is an interesting story.
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I found this to be very interesting and deep. At first it seems that the man was a couple with this woman but near the middle it seems more like he has seen her any times in the morning, maybe at work or something and she is about to change jobs. This is neatly and nicely written. I like writing that makes me think and this did.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title pulls you in and makes the reader want to read this piece.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I wondered about what book this is that you are writing about. It sounds boring at first.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS Flow is great in this peice. Showing does not matter for this piece.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS All of it looked good to me.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I now want to read this book and am going to look it up on my book site to buy. I want to see this story for myself because of your words about it. I never listen to others about books, normally because it is just hipe but this one sounds very interesting from how you talk about it. Great job. Write On!!!
Title: YOUR COMMENTS As a history lover I had to read this essay. I have not seen a piece like this and I wanted to see your thoughts on this matter.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This is a well thought out and reseached paper. It is most interesting to me since it holds two of my favorite subjects.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS Showing is not taken in account for this type of writing. However the flow is awesome. You take the reader from the past to the present seamlessly.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS Everything seems to be in order.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I like this whole peice. I love history and writing so this gave me the best of both. I never thought about the history of writing till I seen this peice and I am thankful for you writing this to give me a new line of thought. You did this well and brought me from the past to today with out a skip. I love how you added the different steps it took and what they meant. You did a great job on this! Write On!!
This is such a touching sad tale. One that is all to often hear. The emotions I felt when reading this were almost to much to bear. I found your writing to be very touching and heart felt. It is if the words come straight out of your heart onto the page. I am sure people can read into this poem as they want, one might read it and think it is age that took her where others might see a different hand at play, either way they will feel touched by your words. Great job! Write On!
Have blessed nights and bright mornings.
LG(Teresa)
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title fits this story very well.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I love how you made this visiauly appealing as well as it being a well written story.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was awesome and the showing is great.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I got chills reading this story. I believe in angels and everything but stories like this is one that just sets firm they are real. I love how this is told by his recount and yours as well. This made it very personal to me.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS I love this title, it works for this poem perfect. I draws you in and makes you want to read more.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This seems like a deep subject, one that you did with taste and caring.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was great in this poem, I found this to be an easy to read poem. Not one I had to keep rereading to understand.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS There is a depth to this poem that I really like. I love how you let the reader pick out of it what they want to think. You only advised to live, not how to live. I honestly think you did a great job of writing a poem this deep. Write On!
Title: YOUR COMMENTS This is a great title for this peice. It grabs you and makes you want to read this story.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This is a great image to how the world changes when the colder months come around.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was great, the lines fit together perfectly. The showing is great as well, I could see in my minds eye the change of the weather. For those of who have never seen this change, this would be a good story to read to see how it changes.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I really like how this story plays out. The imgary is so good that I could see the change of seasons so clear. You did a great job of making this very hot day seem a little cooler with this story. I could see the changes of the leaves and smell of the colder air. You did a great job! Write On!
Title: YOUR COMMENTS A perfect title for this very touching piece.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I loved the beauty of this story. How wonderous it is to have a piece of living history in your hands.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was awesome in this story. I did not stumble over wording or anything. Show is great, I could see this quilt in my mind as I read the story.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I see off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS This is a very touching and sweet story. I love the imagery in it and how it brought out memories of my own. I love my old quilt that is put up in my hope chest and the memories that came with it. This story will be here long after we and the quilt is long gone and that is great. How wonderful to have a memory to hold on to when all else is gone. You will be touching the hearts and minds of your family and your reader for years to come. Write on!
Title: YOUR COMMENTS I haved to say this was a hard choice, I found so many different titles that caught my eye in your port, so I had to look at the discription to pick. This is the one that I found to be close to an issue my husband faced this past year.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This is a wonderful tale of a new beginning. I love the imagery.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was awesome in this story, I did not stumble over anything. The showing is also awesome, which to me is a hard thing in such a short story. I felt like I was on a porch in the mid-west over looking a wonderful scene at sunrise.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can see off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love how this story played out. There are always a new dawn for every day and I think that came out in this story. My husband has been forced to retire this year and wish that he would have seen it as a new beginning instead of an ending. I think in the morning I will read this story to him, in hopes he will see the beauty of his new freedom. I think this is an awesome story that was well thought out and written. If it is not a personal event in your life you did a great job of catching someone elses feelings, if it is a personal event you did a great job of relaying it to others. Great Writing!!
Title: YOUR COMMENTS The Gift of Writing caught my eye since I so love to write.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I thought this was a well thought out and planned article.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was great. I could see everything clearly while I read along. Showing does not count in an article.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I seen off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I seen off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love how personal this article is. It brings new light to you and your thoughts. I love how you found something in writing that many miss. The joy of it. You found in the words what you needed to bring yourself back. It is a well written article and I feel it is from the heart. I would love to see more articles like this from you. Thank you for writing this and sharing it on WDC. I truly enjoyed this article.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS Glory and Honor? Caught my eye since I am a big fan of our miltary.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I felt sorry for the main character, he seems like he has lost his faith in our miltary, or maybe just in what they are ordered to do. Or maybe it is because of the way some of our country folk are not standing behind them. What a surprise I got when I read on.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow is great in this story, I did not have to reread anything nor did I stumble while reading. The show was perfect for a short story. I could see a man sitting and writing this, thinking about over all that had happened to him and his family.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS Nothing that stood out to me when I was reading.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS Nothing that stood out to me when I was reading.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I loved how this story started out making you think this was about one of our men now, and it turns out to be one of the future. I love how this story was set up and delivered. It is so well written and thought out. It made me think about what might be. I am very impressed with this story. Great job.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title grabed my attention, I love the holidays so I thought this would be a good read.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I love how you kept each part within itself.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow is perfect in this poem. It was an easy read, that did not have any bumps to stumble over. Showing does not count in poems for me.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can think of at this time.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS The only thing I seen was:
We write about Thanksgiving day; You have a semi colon here, yet no punctuation for any of the other lines. I would just take the semi colon out if it was me.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love how this Thanksgiving poem is not like all the rest. This is just about you and your thoughts on the holiday. I feel like I can see into your life through this holiday and that is pretty cool. Thank you for writing and sharing this poem.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS Cute Guy Tim, caught my eye. However it wwas the discription that pulled me in. What had went wrong?
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I was so creeped out by the fact Tim had a picture of his grandmother in her casket.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow of this title was great. I did not have to reread lines over again just to understand, I only reread them to let them soak in. Could this man be really that dumb? The show was good as well. In short stories it is hard to do a lot of showing but you did this well in this title.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS I could not find anything that stood out.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS I could not find anything that stood out. I do want to say I like how well you used punctuation to get this story across.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I so enjoyed this title. I perfectly good, bad first date story. The image of walking into an apartment full of birds struck a cord with me. I love all animals but I prefer them outside and not inside. I could not even think about how messy Tim's apartment had to be with those birds in it. When they arrived to the art show and it was one that would be fun for me and my girlfriends to go to and joke about, I would have been horrifed to be there on any date. First one would have killed me. I think my favorite lines were once her filter was off and she compaired him to the love child of Dahmer and Manson. I thought I would die laughing. His answer was even better. This is a well written story that I enjoyed way to much. Thank you for writing, posting and allowing me to review it.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title is a perfect fit. The discription made it a mmust read. This is truly not no chicken little.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I could see why one would think the sky was falling, while the other friend reasoned why it was not.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was beautiful. The showing was great, everything is shown clearly.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS none that came to me off hand.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS none that came to me off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love this story as a whole. It shows us that we as humans are not the only beings that are on the earth. Looking through others eyes is always a good rule. I love how you did not rush the polt or the story line. It came to the reader with a great pace that I felt was great. The idea that a bug would look up at the sky and think he was the only beings in the world kind of is the way humans think. The question now is, will our sky start to fall. Great work!!!
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS Late night is a great title for this poem.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I could see fear in this poem, at first it is not clear as to why.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was good. The showing was awesome, word play works well in this poem.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I can think of.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could spot off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love how you made a sneaking boy sound so much like a theif in the night. He was so sneaky and sweet at the same time. It waws great. I felt sorry for him when he got caught at the end. How you brought this from point one to point two so quickly was great. You gave nothing away through out the piece, giving it the time it needed to be perfect. Great job.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title caught my eye, since I have been asked to ghostwrite for someone.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This is a well thought out and interesting article.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS With an article there is not really much showing, so that does not count. However the flow is smooth and I did not stumble over any part.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that came to mind while I read it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I seen off hand.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I enjoyed this read for many reasons. For one this article stayed neither pro nor con on ghostwriting. I like that there are tips in the article but nothing that is said seems like you are talking down to the reader. I think you do a nice job on this article and I am glad to have some of the helpful tips.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS This caught my eye, many people write reasons why they write but this is the first story I have read that showed why they write. Totally a great new way of telling the reason!!!
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS The classroom setting is new and I love how this story is playing out.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow is a little off due to two points of view in one paragraph, when the teacher talks the student's thoughts are put in and vice a verse. Just add a line inbetween and that will be fixed.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None other then the one above.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS Only one I found is: no only does he find them better (no should be not)
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS This part is normally the last part of a review I do, however for this one I wanted to do it first. I finished off this story with tears in my eyes. Good tears for sure, because no one has ever hit on the reason why I write so well. To know another writer out there does it for the same reason is touching. This story touched my heart and thank you for not only writing it but posting it for me and everyone on WDC to read.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS I found this title pulled me into this poem.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS This is going to be a love poem.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was great.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I like how this poem flows. This is interesting for it feels like a love poem to start with, as if prince charming would come and save the day, but as it turns out that was not to be. I like how nothing was given away until time for it to be. Overall this is well written.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS I picked this one due to the title and the word count. I found I wanted to see what could come through in less then 300 words.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I was not disappointed when I began to read. What mother would not love a picture of lovely red flowers from her daughter?
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS In this amount of words so much could go wrong but did not in this story.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS First off let me say, I think my review is going to be longer then this story. However with that said you did a perfectly great job of writing this little story. Never in so little words have I ever felt so much emotion. I felt like crying for this little girl when her gift was not taken for what it was from her mother. I can not rave about this story enough, you did such a great job.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS Okay, this title caught my eye but the discription is what pulled me in. I love our military and think they do the most thankless job in the world and should be paid way more than they are. So this tickled me into reading.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS First off you have a disclaimer on it and I think that is for the best.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS While this is more of an article than a story, the flow was good. It really didn't have any show but again, I felt this is more an article so that is okay.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I think it was a great way to show how our pampered stars are and how our military men and women are. To many times in our spoiled country we lose sight of how and why we have the pivilages we have. Maybe this should be a required read for anyone in this country. This item seems well thought out and it is well written.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS I thought this title fitts well with the piece.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS At first I did not understand how the title fit, family are not strays, it was later I understood and everthing fell into place.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The showing and the flow is perfect. No stalls or skips in this story.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS None that I could see.
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS There is so much I like about this story. The beginning makes the reader wonder if the title fits, with the young girl being family and all, but in the middle it is made clear when he starts remembering foster care. I love the kindness that was shown to the system, even though the first part wasn't good, when a family is in it for the love instead of the money it is great. I like the fact that he did not go into why his brother and him were not talking to the young girl, she did not need any more on her and he seen that. I also like the fact he knew it was not going to be easy to raise her, and he told her that there would be times she did not like him. That was real to me, since I have teens who don't like me at times. The ending was good as well, it left me wondering what happens to these two. Feeling for the characters after the story is over is what makes for a great read to me. Great job.
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Title: YOUR COMMENTS Little Lark is the perfect fit to this story.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS I first thought this was going to be about a human child, the twist was a nice surprise.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow was good, however there is a lot of telling in this story. Short stories are hard in this area, since there is a certain amount of telling that is go to be. You might proof read a little and see if there is any part that can be reworded to change it from telling to showing.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS Most of my suggestions are above in the flow/showing comment.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS I did not find anything mistakes here. Great job!
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love how this is the story of mother earth. Your take on it shows your deep thought and love for the earth. This is a deep piece and I for onew, can't wait to read your next. If you put into all your writing that you have this, you are going to go far.
Title: YOUR COMMENTS This title is the one, out of many in your port, that caught my eye. Having been there, I wondered how someone else would deal with it.
First Impression: YOUR COMMENTS The pain felt by the mother without a job is felt from the first paragraph.
Flow/Showing YOUR COMMENTS The flow of this story was good, I only got catch up between the pool scene and the bike riding one because of the spacing. You might add another line to fix that. The showing was well rounded and held me tight to the story.
Suggestions: YOUR COMMENTS Medical bills and a credit card her shit ex had maxed out had debt collectors hounding her at all hours. (this line just did not feel right, maybe a comma between card and her would help but I think it is missing a word, maybe something before or after the word shit.)
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: YOUR COMMENTS Unemployed for eight months she had five weeks remaining on her extension. (needs a comma after months)
Things I Like: YOUR COMMENTS I love this story line. The truth of the matter is that there are a lot of single mothers in the world and right now, many that are without work. You caught the emotion of this well in this story. You left me wondering what happens to Elle and her daughter. A sign of great writing.
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