Wow! This was absolutely awesome. Yor style is melodic and beautiful. The words danced off of my tongue as I read the, I am generally not a fan of the typical "pretty writing style" but this was impressive. WOW!!!!
First I would just like to tell you that ability to create imagery ranks among some of the best that I have read. I could almost smell the pine on the floors and I have a pretty good idea of what Mr. D looks like. With that said I have to tell you that there are some very important things that you should consider before you finish your tale. The first thing that I notice is your your difficulty in keeping the storyline consistent with the ages of your characters. Unless I am totally behind the times 16 and 17 year olds language is not so heavy. Your word play with your young characters brings to mind a teenage girl wearing her adult mother's dress or make up it kind of clouds the stories beautiful tale. My suggestion to you is to listen to the conversations of some real life teens and see how their language and your character's language compares. Also search the net or some school books whatever is easier for you to come by and see the playful banter that usually exists when young characters are used even in serious writings. Also you have made a few spelling mistakes which in comparison to your great work probably means that you were rushing, like I do myself.
Lastly flesh out your characters a little more. Give the reades some tangible background into the characters life. You want your reader to feel like she could meet Samantha on the street and they could start up a conversation based on the info that the story has provided. With that said I think you have great talent. As usual my greatest recommendation is that you read the writing of a writer that you admire and some that you would never have traditionally read so that you can continue to sharpen your own writing voice. Good luck and I look forwad to reading your completed work.
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