This story has a fantastic opening, and you've got all of the prompt words in very well without making them seem forced, which was impressive.
I liked the details you included in the first section: the characterisation that is built up through the actions of the protagonist, and the visual images created through the scene-setting.
Points for Improvement
I felt it got a little weaker as the story went on. The first thing that weakened the quality of writing was the phrase "they are sissy looking". This seems to go against the characterisation that you had built up until that moment.
I also felt that the last two paragraphs were a little rushed. Whilst this did help to get across the character's emotions, it meant I had to read it a few times before I could understand. Not quite the smooth reading of the first half!
Finally I wanted to query the punctuation in "Parking spaces are limited, and my being late, forced me to park in the back forty.". I wasn't sure about the comma after "late". This is a matter of taste, though, and it's up to you.
Overall this is an amusing story and generally well written. A little polishing would make it perfect. Well done!
I loved this poem. You say in your BioBlock that you aren't a writer but that's unfair to your ability, this is excellent. I haven't read your other items yet but purely from this poem I know you can write.
The way you subtly have suggested the meaning without ever making it blatant is very impressive. I loved the line "The sugar in her kisses resided in her blood". It struck a personal note too, as my grandmother has diabetes (am I right in thinking this is the meaning?) and I'm currently waiting for results of blood tests to say whether I do.
I apologise that this review is not very technically-centred. There isn't anything I can find that I would suggest as an improvement, hence the high rating.
You're an excellent poet. Thank you for sharing this.
The imagery in this poem is lovely, and I really liked the structure of the stanzas. Splitting the lines gives the story extra depth and you've avoided terrible rhymes that are there for the sake of it.
I particuarly liked the line about the faery being teetotal!
Points for Improvement
In the stanza beginning "and so we sat around the pond", there is an apostrophe missing from the word "that's". The same thing applies to the word "it's" in the second to last stanza.
This is a beautiful little poem and the imagery and humour make it a nice read. Just a couple of grammatical corrections that would improve it. Well done!
Oooo... this made me go all tingly! It's really cleverly written, the tension builds so well and I took a long time to latch onto the twist. Very clever and also very interesting to read... I won't call it enjoyable because that makes me sound a little twisted but I did enjoy reading it.
Don't give up writing in first person, you've done it very well.
The tension in this story is built up very well, and I enjoyed the description. I liked also the fact that you don't give away too much detail straight away.
The repeated references to the package and the fact that it was a comfort to the character are very good: they make the reader wonder what the package is and when it comes to the end and we find out, it is a little surprising but seems appropriate.
Points for Improvement
I felt that the character changed quite a lot between beginning and end: at the start she was a simple-minded girl who had got into a mess. At the end she seems more intelligent and I wouldn't recognise the two as the same character. Perhaps you could work on this a little: I feel that the last sentence particularly sounds to relate to a different character than the one to which the first paragraph refers.
This story contains some excellent description and a good plot, and I was impressed that you managed to write such a long story about such a short space of time. A little work on the characterisation would make this even stronger. Well done!
This is a very touching prayer, which is all the more special because it was written for someone in particular.
I liked the fact that it is written as though it has been spoken by a child, but still doesn't lose any of its maturity of subject.
Just one thing to consider: in the first stanza, the word "understand" is said twice in two lines. If you could find a replacement, it might be a little less repetitive. That said, it works well because it emphasises the problems that the speaker has with understanding and getting others to understand. So it's down to your choice entirely
This prayer is touching and addresses an issue that is vitally important to some people and that many other people don't even think about. Well done!
Hehe this made me giggle! The characters are very well portrayed- I couldn't tell if it was a real experience or just some good writing but either way I enjoyed it.
I liked the paragraph about Mark Twain and lying: I hadn't realised that lawyers weren't under oath so it was educational too
No real improvement suggestions: there are places where I'd phrase the sentence differently but that's a personal thing, not a technical one.
This is well written and amusingly put. Well done!
Very informative and also very funny! I loved the opening paragraph, which was especially amusing because I did indeed think you were referring to a Father of the Church
Although I've never been particularly close to a wild bird, I allowed myself a wry smile of acknowledgment at the reference to being bitten and looking for something to give the bird instead of your hand... I have a puppy!
You sound to do some amazing things and it was very interesting reading this. Just one pointer: a space has snuck into the word "I'm" at the start of the second paragraph. Tutut.
Amusing and also educational: the perfect combination! Well done!
This made me laugh! You're addressing a fairly serious issue in a very amusing way, which I enjoyed.
My favourite sentence was "All hobbies start out harmlessly at first; they become destructive only when they cease to be relaxing and turn into what seems like the only source of happiness"; this is very true and something important for everyone to learn: particularly Howie, it seems!
Your characterisation is excellent, and I felt that I had really got to know both the main characters quite well through your narrative.
Points for Improvement
There are a few places where you have used the wrong word, or made a small spelling mistake. An example of this is "every night his willpower weekend", where "weekend" ought to be "weakened". Enlisting a proof-reader who hasn't read the story before will just iron out these places.
This is an amusing and also thought-provoking story that I enjoyed a lot. Well done!
I like these! My favourite is probably "Some people sense. Some people just make noise." So true!
A few punctuation notes:
"Mundanity" needs a capital. "tonight is a blessing" would benefit from .... like the others in this quote. The comma after "lucky" is unecessary In "Everyday is a test", there should be a space after "every" and a comma in "it's".
You've said some pretty cool things I also like the one about maths. Well done!
I liked this poem: it has a lot of feeling and puts that across very well. I particularly like the idea of skirting under the radar.
I would just suggest that you use a little more punctuation, for example at the end of the second line in the second stanza. Punctuation in poems is very useful and makes the words flow more smoothly.
This is a well-written poem with an important message. Well done!
I liked the rhyming couplet "Becomes different, strange / did it really change?". This sounds effective.
I also liked the way that the last line is only one word, and it creates the atmosphere of waiting for something that isn't quite finished.
Points for Improvement
The comma after "strange" would be better as a semi-colon; this indicates that the next line is relevant but not a continuation of the same sentence.
I think this poem would benefit from being split into stanzas: this would give it bulk and also break it up into sections. By doing this you both make it easier to read and add tension to the poem. I would suggest a break after the fourth line, and possibly before the last two. The others are entirely down to you
I like this poem and it certainly has a feel of insomnia about it for me. Well done!
This made me laugh! As a teenager I disagree with some of your points but it did strike a chord in some places, I'm guilty of leaving hot chocolate powder on the worktop time and again.
I liked the link at the end, which connects the two examples together. An effective touch!
Just one thing: did you intend to write "crumbs on the counters and the crumbs who leave them there"? The second instance of "crumbs" doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps that's just me or perhaps it needs replacing.
This is an amusing and well-written piece. Good luck with your parenting and well done!
A Barmy review
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"I would like to thanks" doesn't need an "s" on the end of thank.
"I peeping around him" should either be "Peeping around" or "I peeped around", in which case you'd need to say "and saw".
"His little foot stool laid on it’s side" doesn't need an apostrophe in "its". I have a simple guide to "its" and "it's" if you need an explanation of this
This is a good story with some very original ideas. Perhaps just getting someone to proof-read it will iron out the few mistakes. Well done!
I liked this poem, both as a poem and as an image. The WritingML really does work, although it took a few seconds to figure out what the last stanza was - probably my fault rather than yours!
Since there is no rhyming pattern, perhaps you could make the lines longer and reduce the number of stanzas in some places to make the shape more tree-like. Not sure what you think about this.
It does work, and it looks effective. Well done!
A Barmy review
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I like the opening paragraph particularly: it really sets the scene for readers.
This sounds a lot like the way I cook... badly. My catalogue of cooking mistakes (available on request ) is almost as long as hers!
Points for Improvement
In reference to cooking spaghetti, you wrote "she mixing first one thing then another". I think there's a word missing, or perhaps just a tense mistake.
This is an amusing and mainly well-written story. Well done!
Perhaps it wasn't intended to, but this poem reminded me of a feeling I experienced when someone I barely knew left my school. Mixed feelings about that, but anything that elicites a response from the reader deserves a review.
I like the way that the "coming and going-" stanza returns with a variation each time; it seems to bring continuity but at the same time breaks the poem down into chunks.
I feel that perhaps you need to look at the use of the space bar in this poem: there are places that there look to be too many (the second line of the second stanza, for example) and others where there aren't any (after the ellipses in the fourth and final stanzas). Perhaps this is just my browser in the first instance: the second is definately not a computer error. It's a matter of opinion but I feel it would be better with a space after the dots, as this would extend the pause a little.
All in all a good poem and I'm nit-picking little details. Well done!
A Barmy review
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This is a moving account of something that everyone has to go through in some way, at some point. You write honestly and with feeling.
On a technical note, there are a couple of spelling or grammar errors that could be easily solved by running this through a spell-checker. This would just iron out the odd typo and the places where apostrophes are missing.
This is an emotional piece that is, on the whole, well-written. Well done!
A Barmy review
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The little asides to the reader make it feel as though you're actually speaking to me, not just to anyone. They also hint at stories that I would like to read: maybe you could write a whole series following from this one? I'd be glad to r,r and r!
Well done!
A Barmy review
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This poem really sums up this awful heat! I feel exactly the same way.
I really liked some of the rhymes in this poem, particularly "soon" and "sand dune"!
Points for Improvement
"down my forehead does sweat drip" would read better as "down my forehead sweat does drip".
A similar thing is in the fourth stanza, where "do they" should be the other way around.
In the second stanza, the second line would benefit from another syllable: perhaps the word "are".
The very last stanza and the two lines before it are a little less solid, compared to the rest. I can't quite understand what you mean by "but blackouts it does not stop". Maybe look at these lines again.
An amusing and refershingly different take on the summer heat. I enjoyed it. Well done!
This letter is well-crafted, and really feels heart-felt. The tone is perfect: it expresses the feelings of the writer for the the recipient, but is not too emotional for someone who has come to terms with their impending death.
I liked the little bit of humour at the start: this makes the reader engage with the speaker and also is appropriate to the subject.
Points for Improvement
There are many places in this letter, such as in the paragraph referencing racing at Silverstone, where the grammar is rather shoddy. I got the feeling that you had been inspired to write and weren't taking much care over how it was written. That's fine, it's excellent for a first draft but now you need to edit and proof-read, to iron out mistakes such as "beleive" (middle paragraph).
Also, I feel the rating is too high for this piece, which will put off potential readers. It does not contain anything inappropriate for younger readers: perhaps an ASR or 13+ rating would be better. It would be a shame if people passed over your work because of an incorrect rating.
This is a poignant piece of writing with a great deal of potential. I enjoyed reading it. Well done!
A very interesting look at something that many people have commented on: the difference in the way each gender views commitment.
I liked the opening paragraph particularly, although I feel that if you are using names at the start it would be a good idea to continue to use them, or perhaps not to use them at all. Without names the story is depersonified, and makes it easier for the reader to be objective.
You have told the story very well without spelling out the events. An interesting and concise story. Well done!
A Barmy review
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This story has a very snappy opening and some excellent sentences, such as the first one in the second paragraph. It takes an interesting look at living in an orphanage, something that the majority of people have not experienced.
Points for Improvement
In the first paragraph, you write "My life is one such life that you can continuously tell yourself "Yes, I am alive".", which while being understandable would read more smoothly if you stuck to the third person throughout and wrote "that I can continuously tell myself".
Both the times that you have used the word "it's", you intended the possesive form (its). This is a very common error; the rule seems fairly illogical! Check out "Invalid Item" for an explanation.
There are a few simple spelling errors in this story: running it through the Writing.com spelling check would probably iron these out.
Other than a couple of grammatical errors this story is very good. I felt that perhaps it has immense scope for expansion: it could even be made into a novel if you wanted to! Well done!
The flow of this story is excellent; it really shows the way that the narrator is thinking. The technical name for this type of writing, I think, is a "stream of conciousness".
I loved the ending, the way that everything ties up and it's all ok: that's how it should always be in life! The characters are very vivid and I was totally gripped throughout.
Points for Improvement
In the sentence "I don’t know why I though anything this lovely could last", "though" should have a "t" on the end.
A little further on you have written "tinniest bit relieved", where I think you mean "tiniest bit". Just a little typo but it changes the meaning from something small to something made of metal!
Although I recognise why you haven't put this story in paragraphs (and it works excellently, by the way), it is a little hard to read. Perhaps you could put a line break at the end of each line, so that there is a gap between each one. This would make it easier to read and wouldn't break the flow.
This is a really interesting story which I am afraid some people might miss out on because they can't be bothered to read it as closely as it currently requires. Just running it through a spell checker or getting a friend to proof-read would correct all the mistakes.
Other than those two things this is excellent. You are a very promising writer and I look forwards to reading more of your work. Well done!
Barmymoo
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but I did enjoy reading it.
"Mundanity" needs a capital.