This is a good beginning you've got going here, with powerful, exciting elements coming into play from the very beginning—a chase, a magical object almost out of control, and what looks like a budding romance. I'm glad I got a look into this rich world. You seem to be having fun recreating it.
My first suggestion will, I think, help you implement almost every other suggestion I'm going to make. I feel like you're sort of tumbling along with no clear idea of where you're going. In fiction paragraphs tend to lack topic sentences, but that doesn't mean that the paragraphs have no direction. Make an outline of what, exactly, it is you wish to accomplish in this chapter. It might look something like this:
1)Establish Feina's chatacter (appearance, personality, mage-ship, etc) and her struggle.
2)Ditto above with Ghadrik and Khameris.
3)Begin to develop reader's knowledge of the stone. Establish it's power.
4)Introduce potential romance.
5)Shadowy introduction of the stone's true owner.
6)That wicked Rhuk-carrier. DESCRIBE.
Then make sure you meet your objectives and cut out other details unless you need them. Develop into your objectives rather than stumbling on them. For example, you tell us almost first thing that the stone is “struggling to escape and reunite with its true bearer.” This means absolutely nothing to me as a reader and therefore as a revelation is completely unexciting. It has promise, to be sure, but I think it would be more intimidating if you took the time to first set up Feina's power and how hard she must struggle to keep the stone under control—make the reader wonder. Why is it so hard? Wonder, not detail, keeps us turning pages. Knowing which details to leave out is just as crucial as knowing which ones to leave in.
Which, in the case of the Rhuk-carrier, is a lot. You use forty-one words to describe the forest, which is something familiar to most readers, and a mere eighteen to describe the Rhuk-carrier. One thing I've noticed about the more successful fantasies I've read—Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and The Lord of the Rings—is that they are told primarily from the perspective of one who knows nothing or very little about the world they encounter—the children, Harry, and Frodo. Thus their wonder and the reader's wonder are taken up in the same breath, making the writer's job much easier. You've got to find that sense of wonder and discovery.
I appreciate the way you combine description of people and animals with the actions they do--for example, “ Silver beady eyes watched...” rather than “eyes watched.” It keeps the story moving. But I feel like you've got too much of a good thing going. Mentally, I construct an image as I read and then put the thing or person into action. But lacking that description, the eyes and talons and wings all become disembodied. By time I know what he looks like, he's flown away. Another example:
...rested gently between her palms. Fragile, thin fingers gently rubbed... It took me a minute to isolate what was wrong with this. I think the problem is that, somehow, the fingers are detached from the palms—they don't seem to belong to the same hands. Where they are her palms—fitting within the context of a person—the fingers lack the pronoun and seem to stand by themselves. I would combine these first two sentences—I think it will help you establish flow right from the beginning. Otherwise, the first sentence reads with, “Hello! I am the first sentence of the book! I am designed to capture your attention!” laced all over it.
The same thing with the two “followers.” Why the delay in introducing them? They are speaking before we know whether to give them a bass voice or a soprano; they are climbing before we know if they do so swiftly or slowly—it's disconcerting. Of course it can be bit of a drag to detail every single person, but if your characters are interesting, nobody minds reading about them—why do you think we have to teach children not to stare and point? It's because people are interesting to look at. Get a nice balance of action and description going.
I love your use of vocabulary—it's obvious you are very widely read. But remember that reading isn't enough; if you want to use the vocabulary already at your fingertips effectively, you've got to become a dictionary fiend. Look up words you've learned to define through context to be sure you're getting them correct. Here are the examples I found:
tree encompassed path. How can a path be “encompassed?” To encompass is “to go completely around;” a path would be lined—trees on either side, not in the path itself.
the old woman jerked back in recoil. Jerking back is implicit in “recoil.” You could try, “jerked back, recoiling from the surge.” or something like that.
About Khameris--you're well on your way to establishing the relationship here, but you're skirting her “allure.” You constantly refer to it, but never define it (I think this is what is known as telling, rather than showing). For example: “ fair voice.” What kind of voice? “There was a subtle beauty to the young girl now.” What beauty? Is she soft and shapely, or slender and firm? Is her voice low and coaxing, or high and bubbly? And what's this about “Feina's illness had stripped away her childhood innocence.” You just described her speech as containing “a childlike gleam.” Is she childlike and appealing, inspiring an instinct to protect (which would make her sudden hysterics a little more understandable)? Or is she hardened by sorrow, cold and distant?
Minor things:
Feina had remained fierce in her refusal but carried it with a kind decline. Er... what? She's carrying her refusal? She was fiercely kind about her declining refusal?
Watch tenses: You're jamming along in past tense, until suddenly: Her eyebrows lowering into a straight line. Oops! Present tense! And then right back into past: Rolling hills and open grasslands shadowed Rather more jarringly, it happens here: Receiving the glass, she thanked the younger man. So watch that.
...massive wings of the bird softly shook the cabin now and then...{/i] How does a massive bird shake a cabin “softly?” This word choice seems a little out of place, and I don't have a clear picture of what is going on—are they small quivers or is the cabin tilting to one side and then the other?
He rambles on about things only those of the lowest intelligence could appreciate. I'm wondering what things these are. I can't think of one thing stupid people appreciate more than intelligent people. It almost always goes the other way.
Overall, an excellent beginning. Keep working on editing. Every time you go through to edit, pick some new thing to work on, like making sure the characters all speak with distincitive voices, that the dialogue flows naturally or something like that. Great work and keep writing!
Mazel |
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