 Greetings and welcome to writing.com!
 I guess I'll start by saying I've never read anything like this before, unless you count Paradise Lost... which may only be because I've not read the right books, but I felt it was original. It's well-written and has a nice balance of dialogue and description. Here are my thoughts and a few suggestions.
 I felt a little lost. Not completely lost, not lost enough to demand that you fix it, but confused enough to mention it in my review. I think I will have to say it was because of all the curve balls. I love the curve balls, but the Holy Mother and the She-God and the Greek and everything didn't really have my mind in the story. I was trying to piece together your theology; I was trying to understand what kind of beings everybody and everything was; I was trying to find some sort of foothold within the story, a perspective from which to approach the book. I can pinpoint the exact moment I found that perspective—when Jasia says, “You will go to the Material Plane as a Fallen, but you will live among the humans as a human.” Why? Because it's a connection to things I know, it grounds everything else in the human earth. And I think it is ultimately the human that makes literature work. Do with that analysis what you will.
 Okay, some concrete suggestions now.
 I felt the third paragraph needs the most surgery: Christ is eternal, but your grammar needs to maintain one tense; the first sentence of this paragraph is past; the next is present; then past again. What kind of phases of Christ are we talking about? The “just a phase” kind of phase, or a phase within his life, or his eternal phase as before human, human, then glorified human, or what? Also in this paragraph you have “life itself,” and then, “Christ himself.” Maybe I'm missing the rhetorical significance of the repetition, but I couldn't see how they correspond.
 … words of a foreign tongue to you they may be but they are the key to those who wish to change the fate of the world. This sentence is a little awkward... it trips over itself. Suddenly addressing your audience makes the whole sentence much more complicated, because you draw the reader into the drama, make it real-time. Secondly, it's like Yoda talking: “words to you they may be.” Don't abuse your verbs so. You could rearrange it like this: “To you these words may be mere nonsense, baby-talk, but to...”
 She drew from nowhere a sword... This is a little vague. Why is she drawing the sword from nowhere? Do you mean that it appeared suddenly and nobody seemed to realize it was there? Or did she really draw it out of thin air, and if so, why not say as much?
 Finally, don't make the exclamation points do your work for you, because they can't. Rather than putting one, two, and eventually three exclamation points as God thunders in heaven, just make her thunder. The “mighty thunder clap” is a step in the right direction... emphasize her rage by having her storm up and down, black clouds billow, the ground shake, her face turn red... really, exclamation points are just not as exciting.
 Great work and keep writing!
-Mazel |
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| (3.5)
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The dragon is second only to the phoenix on my list of favorite magical creatures, so I really enjoyed reading about your vision of them, even though it's very sad! The picture of the night and the moon on the lake is especially good. Here are a couple of suggestions:
I also think you can expand the sentiments and give the reader more time to savor them. For example, the lines, "Never felt this way before./ Once I had given up," The concept is unique, of a woman who cannot fall in love. Over and over we see stories of women who have been hurt or rejected when they loved. But what of a woman who is frozen inside herself? If you could expand this with images... try sights, sounds, feelings, colors to give it more life. 
Once you've established this theme, maybe you can find a turning point. What about the one you love is different? What happened? How did he teach you to love? I suggest you explore this as well. 
What a cool story! First it reminded me of the snowstorm we had on Easter this year--in Texas that's really something else! Then it reminded me of the story of St. Christopher carrying the Christ child across the river. I love your description of the girl... for some reason the red scarf is just the right touch for her, beginning to end. It gives her identity and character within the story in a simple, easy-to-remember and imagine way. Good job!
There was one sentence that stuck out to me as awkward: The road trip had been fun until he had driven into this icebox otherwise known as North Dakota. I think it's an instinctual awkwardness rather than technical; the former is caused by simply using more words than is really necessary; the latter comes from actual grammatical errors. Here, I think "otherwise known" bogs down your sentence. Try "...this icebox, North Dakota." Or, "North Dakota, more like an icebox than a state." 
The only big suggestion I have would be to format this; use the WritingML tags to indent the paragraphs; and instead of this: ********* try centering three stars spaced apart, like this:
The other problem was the first chapter... It's a difficult portion for the reader to piece together, which I think has to do with the order in which you give the details--it's as if the entire first paragraph was arranged backwards. Think of it as if you were painting the scene; you would probably start with the backdrop first and then add the details on top of it. The first sentence, for example: A rip opened into the unknown on a strangely quiet night. What are you ripping? At first I thought it was the sky, and I think I eventually figured out it was the ground; but it would be far more effective if you set it up by painting us a picture of the night plain--and make sure the details stay consistent (For example, grass may be brown and yellow in the brilliant sunlight, but at night they will probably be shadowy, blues and grays). Then tell us what happens there. 
Art--and I think all creation is art on some level, if not museum-worthy--is about humanity. about life and who we are and what we experience. It's what makes writing and reading enjoyable but also spiritual and beneficial. If it doesn't, then what, I would ask, are we all doing? Why do we bother, why do we write with our souls? My main suggestion for you is to really step back from this story, short though it is, and ask yourself, what is my reader going to take away from this? How will they be changed or effected? It could be something as simple as a beautiful person/character or a mood. It could also say something deeper about the meaning of life itself, of courage, of love, of faithfulness. What do you want to say about first love, about relationships? Most people believe true love is forever... why, especially, did this one end? Answers to these questions is what is going to give your writing it's real content. 
I love the example "all kinds of pitches." But I'm not so convinced on the shoes. Steve Madden? I'm not particularly fashion-wise by any means, but that means nothing to me. I would recommend a more universal example. 
Spelling / Grammar / Punctuation / Format
I'm going to talk about something else.