The plot moves along well. Consider developing the story a little more. Remember the old but very worthwhile phrase...show, don't tell. It is a phrase I am working towards as well.
Hi HuntersMoon,
I really like your story idea. It could easily be developed into a novel. (I'm guessing you have already thought of that.)
Sarah is a good strong character. I liked her initial reluctance to accept her gift.
I noticed you haven't reached the word limit for the contest. Consider developing clearer scene changes. On first read, I found the movement from one scene to the next a little jarring.
Hi Challenged Cadie.
There is a lot of emotion in your story. Clearly you put a lot of yourself into your writing.
Catherine seemed so vulnerable at the beginning, I felt sorry for her; maybe could relate a little to her. The end of the story (I prefer the first ending), was positive and warm.
Hi ShastaPrincess.
A very fun story idea that created clear pictures in my mind.
I read the story aloud and for the most part it was smooth and lyrical. The lines flowed nicely. However, there were a couple of sections, where the rhyming stopped abruptly and the flow felt jagged; specifically the last few lines.
I don't know much about writing for children, but I liked it.
Hi there BBWIH.
I am a little afraid to review your essay on reviewing. Whatever I write...will it be enough? Should I delve into the mechanics (excellent, by the way); or, should I discuss how the piece makes me feel?
Hmmm.
Here goes. You made me smile. Your essay is so true. Reviewing the work of other writers is a tough job. But, one thing I am learning...it makes me a better writer.
I love it. Your story is playful and incorporates use of the senses extremely well. I can almost taste and smell the soda bread. Yum.
I appreciate how you combine the simple everyday task of making soda bread with the fantasy world of the little people.
Without even realizing it, I caught myself smiling while reading the last sentence.
Your story is so wonderfully descriptive. It brings back memories of my childhood, not a pool but a lake. The summer heat, riding my bike to the lake, the "five more minutes" are all parts of your story to which I can certainly relate.
The story reveals some clear emotions: happiness, joy, fun. All good.
The narrative is clear and moves the story along well.
I like your story. It is light and playful. I think the story's strength is the connection between the two characters through the dialogue.
One suggestion: I don't know the word limit for the contest as I am quite new to these things but consider incorporating some non-dialogued action to add another dimension to your story.
Keep writing.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bayly
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:36am on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
