I am reviewing your work as a judge for "Invalid Item"  . I can only offer my opinion and hope that it helps you along the way.
What worked:
It was a great story! Your descriptions of the scenes were great and allowed me to easily visualize each one. The banter between the guys was good and lent to the characterization of each. There were no plot holes that I was aware of. The surprise about who the killer was did send a slight chill up my spine.
What could be improved:
Formatting could be improved upon. There are some sentences that could be combined or even separated- as I will show you below in the grammar/spelling section. Dean's thoughts could have been italicized or quoted.
Grammar/spelling:
I have to put the little disclaimer here. I wouldn't be a good reviewer if I didn't mention a few things that I noticed while reading through your story. Take the suggestions and use them, or don't. Ultimately it is up to you. Some of the things may seem nit-picky, just bear in mind that all I am doing is helping you to polish your work  .
This is going to look way worse than it really is. Please bear in mind my disclaimer above.
You wrote:
He couldn't imagine what a passer by or the owner of the truck would think if they found a prison guard, - at least that was what he hoped he looked like with the uniform he was wearing - caked with mud and wiring a truck.
I suggest:
He couldn’t imagine what a passerby would think if they saw a man in a prison guard uniform caked with mud hot-wiring a truck.
You wrote:
"Attatruck." Dean said quietly and drove out of the station, away from the prison and hopefully whoever had his murder planned in mind.
I suggest:
“Atta truck,” Dean muttered as he drove away from the station, prison, and his would be murderer.
You wrote:
"What were you thinking, Dean? You have a few more months to serve... Jesus, now they're gonna say I'm harboring a criminal - not that i say you are - but you know..." he left the rest hanging and slumped on one of his expensively decorated cushions.
I suggest:
You just need to capitalize the ‘I’ in the dialogue.
You wrote:
But Dean couldn't help it. He had to spend the night in somewhere before he went off to the land of safety. And Jeff’s house was just the best hiding place, coupled with the fact that he had a large chunk of money he needed to get.
I suggest:
Dean couldn’t help it. He had to spend the night somewhere before he fled for safety. Jeff’s house was the best place to go. Besides, Jeff was the one that had all their money in his bank account.
You wrote:
So he waited and watched his friend, Jeff sigh dramatically.
I suggest:
Jeff sighed dramatically. Dean just waited and watched his friend.
You wrote:
Dean closed his eyes and tried not to remember himself doubled over, retching everything he had eaten. Or the doctor with the horse like teeth telling him he'd been poisoned.
I suggest:
Dean closed his eyes. He tried to push away the unpleasant memory of being doubled over and vomiting up everything he’d eaten. That same day, the doctor with the horse-like teeth told him he’d been poisoned.
You wrote:
"did you kill a guard?"
I suggest:
You need to capitalize ‘did’.
You wrote:
he made his way upstairs and stopped at the foot of the stairs "You owe me, Jeff. Don't call the cops on me"
I suggest:
This really doesn’t make that much sense. If he is making his way UP the stairs, how could he stop at the foot? Maybe try:
He started to make his way up the stairs and stopped midway. He turned around and said, “You owe me, Jeff. Do NOT call the cops.”
You wrote:
Forty-five minutes later, his hair still wet from the shower, fully cleaned up and eating hot crispy pizza with cold beer, Dean sat in Jeff's meticulously clean kitchen and watched his face swim on the TV screen.
I suggest:
A few minutes later, with his hair still wet from the shower, he was eating pizza and drinking cold beer. Dean sat in Jeff’s meticulously clean kitchen and watched as his face flashed across the TV screen.
You wrote:
He took a swig from his beer, and smiled lightly "Don't worry, I’ll leave at the first light tomorrow. No one would know I was here and you can go back to your clean blissful life"
I suggest:
He took a swig of beer and smiled lightly. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave at the first light tomorrow. No one will know I was here and you can go back to your clean, blissful life.”
You wrote:
"I must say, I'm glad you mentioned it. Why did you all decide to dump the money on me? Lord, i heard sleepless nights just thinking of it... "
I suggest:
You need to capitalize the ‘I’ in this dialogue. Did you mean ‘had’ instead of ‘heard’?
You wrote:
He ought to have gone to Jon, Kevin, or Phillip's place. Sitting here with Jeff was giving him headache that he hadn't experienced in a long time.
I suggest:
He should have gone to Jon, Kevin, or Philip’s place. Sitting here with Jeff was giving him a headache; something he hadn’t experienced in a while.
You wrote:
"Four attempts on my life in two weeks, Jon and Sara dead. Phillip was almost killed. Do the math and believe it or not the person would come back. For all of us. You and Kevin included. Why? Because it happens that we've sold our multi-million dollar company and someone is not ready to part with the money.
I suggest:
I usually do not touch dialogue because that is your character’s voice. I’m just going to make a quick suggestion that may improve your reader’s understanding. Maybe try:
”Four attempts on my life in two weeks. Jon and Sara are dead. Philip was almost killed. It seems like someone is after all of us. You and Kevin included. Why? Because we’ve sold our multi-million dollar company and someone was not ready to part with it.”
You wrote:
His breadth coming in wheezing sounds, Jeff raised the bottle to his lip and took another large gulp. His eyes red and teary, he dropped the bottle with a loud bang and jolted when his phone rang again.
I suggest:
With his breath coming in wheezes, Jeff raised the bottle to his lips and took another large gulp. His eyes were red and teary. His phone rang, causing him jump and drop his bottle with a loud bang.
You wrote:
"It's the money. I knew it would be a problem i just knew it but, Jeez, I didn't know it could be this bad. They killed Jon and Sara. I saw them and it was gruesome."
I suggest:
Again, you just need to capitalize ‘I’ in this dialogue.
You wrote:
"I don't wanna sound bad or something, but I don't wanna be the next person to die. I can't have anyone blowing up my car or poisoning my food. Hell, I was just a silent partner, i don't have any criminal records beneath my belt..."
I suggest:
There needs to be a period after ‘partner’ and the ‘I’ of the next sentence needs to be capitalized.
You wrote:
Dean raised his head from the pillow and strained his ear listening for any sound.
I suggest:
Dean raised his head from the pillow and strained to hear.
You wrote:
He was sleeping in one of the rooms in the large hallway; Kevin had agreed to bunk with Jeff because Jeff was to shaken to sleep alone, and Phillip, sprawled on the sofa after an excess consumption of beer was left to sleep in the living room because no one was ready to hoist his large frame on their shoulder.
I suggest:
Dean was sleeping in one of the rooms off the large hallway. Kevin agreed to bunk with Jeff because he was too shook up to sleep alone. Philip was sprawled out on the sofa after excess consumption of beer. They left him in the living room because no one wanted to hoist his large frame on their shoulders and walk up a flight of stairs.
You wrote:
The police would either listen to his story, search for the killer and send him back to complete his time in prison, or listen to his story, call him a lying bastard and add four more years to his term.
I suggest:
Either the police would listen to his story, search for the killer, and send him back to prison to complete his sentence. Or listen to his story, call him a lying bastard, and add four more years to his term.
You wrote:
He switched off the bedside lamp and threw the room into total darkness.
I suggest:
He switched off the bedside lamp and plunged the room into total darkness.
You wrote:
Then silence. Phillips!
I suggest:
Wasn’t it Philip? Or was it Philips? Also, I recommend using italics or quotes to show that this is his thought. You do this in a few spots in your story. It just makes it hard to tell if it is a thought or a part of the narrative.
You wrote:
Dean groaned inwardly, who else but an insecure eejit like Jeff would use metal to bar the windows.
I suggest:
Dean groaned inwardly, Who else but an insecure eejit like Jeff would use metal to bar the windows?
You wrote:
He returned to his spot in behind the door and pressed his ears to the door again.
I suggest:
He returned to the door that led to the hallway and pressed his ear to it.
You wrote:
A dim light was on, so he didn’t have trouble sporting the tracks of blood on the floor.
I suggest:
I think you meant ‘spotting’ instead of ‘sporting’ in this sentence.
You wrote:
Blood dripped from his eyes like tears, falling and pooling to join the other macabre on his laps.
I suggest:
This sentence doesn’t really make much sense. Maybe try:
Blood dripped from his eyes like tears; it ran in rivulets down his face to pool on the cushion beneath his head.
You wrote:
A knife had been run down the front part of Phillips body, right from the neck and down to his stomach. His gut sprawled out ad over his laps
I suggest:
Philip had been gutted from his neck down to his stomach. His intestines spilled into his lap. (insert something about the smell here. For example- A horrible metallic outhouse scent assailed Dean’s nostrils. He gagged; then raised his hand to cover his mouth and nose.)
When you are describing a horrifying scene, make sure to use the five senses. It’ll make it that much more poignant for your reader.
You wrote:
He entered the bathroom Jeff had directed him to in what seemed like a million years ago and sat wearily on the toilet seat.
I suggest:
There is such a thing as too much detail. I would omit what is not needed in this sentence.
Dean entered the bathroom and plopped down wearily on the toilet seat.
You wrote:
What now? Come on you bastard. Come on in. he thought rage fueling his anger, but when the door to the bathroom opened and Dean sported dark brown boots walking in, he felt his heart jump out of his mouth.
I suggest:
What now? Come on you bastard! Come on in! he thought as the rage further fueled his anger. When the bathroom door opened, he spotted the dark brown boots, and he thought his heart would jump out of his mouth.
You wrote:
He whirled around, bent and shove is head in Deans midsection sending Dean flying back and hitting his already injured back on the wall.
I suggest:
Jeff whirled around and head butted Dean in the midsection, sending him flying back against the wall.
You wrote:
Jeff moved over to him, snatched the scissors and slashed it on Dean's had.
I suggest:
Jeff snatched up the scissors and slashed Dean’s hand with the blade.
You wrote:
He watched as pain washed over Dean's face. Then stopped when Dean cried out.
I suggest:
Dean cried out and withdrew his hand quickly.
You wrote:
But he All his friends were gone.
I suggest:
I don’t think the ‘But he’ belongs in this sentence.
You wrote:
He though with a slow smile, and closed his eyes for over 10 hours.
I suggest:
A smile of satisfaction slowly spread across his face as he drifted off to sleep.
Did it follow the prompt and rules of the contest?
Yes. It was a horror story under 5000 words about an escaped prisoner. It was created after the contest opened and was not modified after close. You posted correctly in the forum. Thank you .
My overall opinion:
It was a good story! It could use a bit of improvement, but you did well with the prompt! Well done! Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" and sharing your story with me  !
~J. Marie
Judge for "Invalid Item"
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"Invalid Item" |
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. Your dialogue was great and definitely helped me to picture these two kids, as well as Marie. Your description was great and allowed me to easily envision your story. I could feel their fear as they walked into Marie's overgrown backyard. My heart dropped when the door creaked open, stopping them dead in their tracks. Well done!!
. I was just having a little fun 
.)
).