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Review of The Shadow  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing you as a student of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

Darkness had long since fallen. I was prowling the woods of words when a bear sprung out and told me that the natural balance was threatened by one girl's fall from grace. The bear took me to the anomaly deeper in the woods: a purple web of thick corruption that covered the trees and twisted their appearance. In the middle of it all lay a book, a black leather-bound diary that reflected the state of its owner. I carefully picked up the book, and then I started reading...

To be brutally honest, this is not really how I found your story, but we're all writers here, so why not use that imagination whenever possible! I found interest in your title and what followed of synopsis inside. So I decided to continue, and leave behind a short review while I was at it.

The Shadow

*Info* Overview
An harassed girl uses her extraordinary powers to get back at her troublemakers.

*Puzzle3* Plot&Suggestions
The introduction you have provided really grabbed me. It's just something we all can relate to, you know, the wish to harm those who harm us, no matter just how gallant and righteous we appear to be on the outside. I'm no exception to this. And it also tells what will happen to the protagonist, that she chooses to steer down to the road of darkness using her powers to communicate with animals. This reminds me of Roald Dahl's Matilda, but with a darker twist.

I really like how you never fully explains the power that she possesses, and the way it is introduced. It just falls into place naturally, which of course it should. This is everyday occurrence to the character. Since this is a short story, and not a novel, there is never any real need to explain either, unless someone from outside this character's world was brought in.

The protagonist is really dragged through some harsh weather here, but I think you're standing at a crossroad regarding her. To be honest I didn't really connect with her since she seems to see these boys who torment her as mere nuisances. She's been raped, maybe even several times before, and this would cause real emotional scars that may never heal. So what I suggest is to make the story even more heart-wrenching by having her break down in public, avoid any form of human contact, and question her self-worth; or simply have the boys bullying her. Perhaps she finally snaps and hits one of them, which leads to the reaction scene later? The latter seems to me to be more fitting of the 13+ rating as well.

There is good suspense in the last paragraph leading up to the conclusion. In desperation she 'calls out' to anyone able to hear her thoughts, perhaps a sign that she is not fully able to control her powers yet. Desperation is something I am always a fan of, and it works well here. People are harmed. Perhaps she didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and one can only guess what follows.

*Thought* Language&Flow
You have a good hold of the language, but I do have a few suggestions regarding the flow:
*BulletB* Give the story more breathing room. "Permeation Open in new Window., which is one of my favorite stories on the site, is a good example of what I mean. Break it up more, and rather use stars to mark jumps in time. It's not necessary, but it makes it easier to read.
*BulletB* Cut the chapters. Since this is posted as a short story, I regard it as such. And I don't think chapters belong in them. Show what they convey rather than tell it, else some of the surprise is lost.

*Tack* Grammar Faults
I stumbled over a few faults in your story. I will list a few, but I think you should run a check for yourself as well. They are sneaky buggers and tend to be hard to spot. I can relate. The errors you should especially look out for are:
*BulletR* Comma errors. Some sentences need more of them. Read them out loud and you'll probably find these errors in good time.
*BulletR* Italics errors. Some lines need the italics to mark when these telepathic conversations take place.

*CheckR* Final Words
If the question whether or not I want to know what happens with Maggie still remains, then the answer is a definitive yes. You're onto something cool here, a classic tale of a girl who is being stepped on getting back at her bullies with newfound powers. And what follows of responsibility, which she cannot handle.

That being said, I think you should cut out some unnecessary details, like describing characters and activities that don't really have anything to do with the plot. I also think you should cut the introduction and write the rest of the story as a short story, even if you had planned this to be a novel (which I don't know). What happens once she's turned to 'the shadow'? Will others with the same powers try to stop her? Will she herself see what she has become? You don't need to reveal anything regarding the powers. Mystery is a good thing!

I thank you for sharing this story. Do note that I only mean to aid you in becoming a better writer, and not to attack you in any way. I hope you found at least some part of the review helpful, if only the last period at the very end. If you ever finish this story of growing hatred and vengeful fur, do give me a tell. In the meantime, I'll be busy trying to clean out this corruption that is creeping all across the forest.

I hope to see more of you on the site. May the ink forever flow in your favor until we meet again.

- B.H.


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Review of The hunted  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am reviewing you as a student of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

Hello there! First of all, allow me the pleasure of welcoming you to this fantastic community that is Writing.com! Yay! Always a pleasure to bump into new, aspiring writers. I hope you'll be sticking around, because I know from experience that this site provides an exceptional bump in the right direction.

I was browsing the newbie section and decided to give your story a read because I love action and suspense. Having finished it now, I decided to give you a review as well! So grab your rifle and join me as we cautiously sneak through this forest of words.

The hunted

*Info* Overview
The story is about two characters stalking hunters, who are out to kill them.

*Puzzle3* Plot&Suggestions
Allow me to say this first, I really love the concept you've used here. At first I was thinking these two characters to be human who for some reason had angered the wrong people. Going into the mind of animals isn't something you see every day around these parts, and I would love to see more of it.

I was thrust straight into the action with the opening line by knowing that someone was out to kill these two characters, for reasons unknown, and it held my attention. As the two deer peer on their adversaries, we are introduced to the worst of humanity. The rowdy, drinking killer, who murders for money or fame - or simply for boredom.

There's a sense of harsh reality here that the helpless deer can only accept, because they are too weak to fight back. And in the end one of them pays with death.

Brings a tear to this hunter's eyes. *Sniff*

Anyways, I want to give you a few pointers.

*BulletB* I know the revelation of the characters being deer is probably supposed to come as a shock, but it became rather obvious around half-way. Perhaps even before that for readers that are smarter than You might want to consider taking out all references to hunting in the description and title. Make the reader believe the antagonists are criminals or mafia or something similar.

*BulletB* Also, I think you should cut down on the talking in the middle. It's a bit long and doesn't really serve any purpose. This might also help the first point. Maybe these men hear the deer outside, and a wild chase through the night begins, rather than having everything happen quickly and painlessly the next day.

*Thought* Language&Flow
The piece flows good, though some lines are a bit short. You have a lot of air in the story which you don't really need. The paragraphs are of good length, but you don't need that much of a jump between each. The line '"Ah, this is the live" said the the older of the three.' cuts straight through the sentence as well.

Also, you might want to consider some kind of mark - like a star(*) - to mark the switch of characters. I've seen this trick being used by many writers to not confuse the reader. You can also use the star to mark a jump in time, which works for this too.

*Tack* Grammar Faults
I will confess that I stumbled upon a lot of errors in your piece. I will mention some of them, but not all. You might want to proof-read the story to make sure you catch them all, especially the misplaced quotation marks.
*FlagR* 'The're drinking and won't venture into the woods for fear of getting lost.' Should be they're.
*FlagR* 'What's wrong with?' Not really a grammar fault, but I'll throw it in here anyway. I think the word you're missing is you.
*FlagR* 'Mens voices, shouting and laughing punctuated the radios sounds.' Should be men's.

*CheckR* Final Words
Thank you for sharing your story! I think your story has great potential because of what you're trying to accomplish here, but I've given it a rating which I think reflects how the story currently stands. I think it needs work, and it would do it good if you proof-read it.

Well, we're at the edge of the forest of words, and it's almost time to say farewell for now. I hope you've found something in this review worth thinking about, if only the smallest and seemingly insignificant of things.

Here, take this bell. Should you ever require a second look after you have made changes, then feel free to use it. I'll certainly come running. Most likely. Well, probably.

Until next time, may the ink forever flow in your favor.

- B.H.


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Review of Ava  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing you as a student of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

Hello there, Fredrik! It has come to my attention that you have just signed up, so allow me to welcome you to this wonderful community that is Writing.com! Your name had me wondering, and a quick visit to your profile remedied this lust for knowledge. You're indeed a Norwegian as well! Our names are even pretty much the same! (I have extra e pushed in there).

To be fair, this is not why I decided to give this piece a review. I was looking through the plug page and found it interesting, simply because of the description. You see, I'm a sucker for that good old post-apocalyptic setting. Now I've read it through, so I thought I'd give my honest opinion of it, one writer to another!

So grab your lusekofte and place yourself in your best godstol, and off we go!

Ava

*Info* Overview
The story is about a girl and her parents taking with them a dog as they strive for survival in the desolate wasteland Earth has turned into.

*Puzzle3* Plot&Suggestions
I want to start off with the introduction of this story. And now I'm going to pretend like I didn't read the description. The child has never seen a dog, the father carries a shotgun, their car is used to traverse abandoned cities, water and food seems to be scarce, and the child seems to know more about nooses and loading guns than she does about collars. My mind already painted the picture of a husk of a once bustling smaller town - now overgrown and free of life - and this small family that have stayed together for years (I assume this since the child has never seen a dog), doing their best to survive.

Already off the bat, I have everything I need to find myself in this world. I find the characters portrayed realistically. The parents try their best not to share their worries of supplies running out with their child. Ava, whom I assume is around 6-7 years old - still retains the curious nature of a child, despite the situation. Perhaps she was born into this mess? Perhaps this life is the only life she has ever known? Perhaps she has never faced any danger yet? This instantly reminds me of 'The Road' in so many ways, especially the child role. Why should they care about nooses? This story is told from the girl's point of view, and she seems to brush off the noose thing as something beyond her understanding - or something she is told not to worry about. And I think this works perfectly.

That being said, it is after the initial introduction that my focus slips a bit.

Things have been a bit vague up until this point, but the middle section brings a lot of information into the story.
*BulletG* First we have gangs and self-sustained communities, so I'm led to believe that it's been some time since the crisis happened.
*BulletG* I am told Ava's friend Marcy believe that some people supposedly eat humans, leading to a fright in the child for strangers, even if she brushes it off as nonsense. I'm guessing it wouldn't have been mentioned if this wasn't the case.
*BulletG* The room Ava stays in initially belonged to a boy. I believe this room belonged to their second child, now deceased, because of how the parents react.

What I thought was the best part here is when Ava talks with the dog, because it really explains to me the need she has for the friends her parents can't be, seemingly too wrapped up in their worry. There are also jumps in time here. Not just once, but twice. Now, I'm guessing this is to establish a deeper relationship between the dog and the protagonist over time, but it all seems like a reason to hurry the plot to where consequence comes into play. Establishing the world is all well and good, but half the story has been used for this just to set up what is to follow, and I think it is a bit much.

As for the last part, I think switching to present form was a good idea, and I think it works well. It creates a more direct involvement with the character, as I felt she was a bit distant from me up until this point. She has finally had enough of just waiting for time to pass by, and sneaks out with her dog, because she finds comfort and courage in its company.

Kadie growls, warning of danger. There is a sense of suspense in the air. Ava recalls a scene with her mother indirectly stating that women are possibly taken as slaves and sexually abused, and at the same time mentioning that her father was nowhere to be seen. Does this mean he is gone for good? This question takes me away from the suspense, and kind of kills it off for me.

The action continues, but then it suddenly stops with this sentence: "Ava buries her head in the fur." In my mind, the characters are now frozen at this point. It is not clear what is about to happen.

Now, according to profile, you like to leave endings open. And you know what, I'm all for this. I usually make use of this myself, but only after the tension has been properly built up and established. I don't find any tension at all before the very end, and for all I know, this man isn't out to harm her in any way.

Now, having read through it all, I am left with some questions, like:
*BulletB* Why aren't these people settling down in a settlement or town where it's safer?
*BulletB* Why did they leave this community with Macy and Co. in the first place?
Of course, you might argue that the story follows a child's point of view, so these things are beyond her comprehension and control, but I as a reader gets a bit confused when such details are put into play and not followed up on.

I think you're onto something here. In fact, I think you're on to something great here, because of how you add in subtle hints of the argument going on between the parents that take place outside the field of vision. And I also love how you never explain what really happened in the first place. There's no need for it, and it works perfectly fine.

That being said, I think you should find a very nice scissor and do a bit of cutting here.

The story is about to be about the girl and the dog, and how the dog could say her life, as the description says. But there are too many details being handed out here, as if this is the beginning of a novel. I think you should use the present tense part right off the bat, and instead tell the story from that part. You can cut out many things, like the self-sustained communities and how her father gets angry at her digging, because in essence it is about a girl and her dog wandering this desolate area, but still manage to giggle and laugh, as if nothing is wrong, and this is the part I truly love the best.

Now, I want to suggest that you add something more after the ending. Something that creates worry. As I said, I'm all for sudden endings, but only when my chair's tilted all the way up to the screen and I find myself yelling "that's it?!", followed by a violent tantrum. Perhaps have the characters meet, give the appearance that this man is good after all, before the betrayal is put into place. Perhaps the dog is injured and threatened! After all, this dog is all this girl has. How devastated would she be if the dog were to die? Very. And so would I.

I also wish Ava asked a few more questions, if only for the readers' sake. I prefer this approach over simply telling from her memory what has happened. She is a child, use this excuse to ask even the most simplest of questions.

*Thought* Language&Flow
Your story flowed like the purest waterfall in heavy rain, and I did not stumble at any part. Lots of air in here too, so it doesn't feel cramped at all.

I'm guessing that lines like "The dark isn’t scary with you here." and "They’re chasing the sun." are supposed to be thoughts of the protagonist. I think it would be better if you put these in italics, and perhaps add 'she thought' after the where first thought line, just to tell the reader this. I found this a bit confusing at first, especially the second line.

*Tack* Grammar Faults
Could not find any!

*CheckR* Final Words
I want to thank you for sharing this piece of yours. I love the setting and the concept, but I find it a bit coarse, like it's two stories mashed into one. I would love to see a continuation of the story though, and more of how the child sees the world rather than how she has already seen it.

I am hoping this review was helpful to you in some way, if only a little. I am not after your hide, I just want to bring out the best in your writing. If you notice any errors in my review, then by all means do contact me. I do hate it so when I misinterpret a story, as I would dislike it if someone did the same with my writing.

If you would like a second review after any potential changes has been done, then send me a note and I'll see what I can do.

Until next time, may the ink forever flow in your favor.

- B.H.


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4
4
Review of Ava  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing you as a student of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

Hello there, Fredrik! It has come to my attention that you have just signed up, so allow me to welcome you to this wonderful community that is Writing.com! Your name had me wondering, and a quick visit to your profile remedied this lust for knowledge. You're indeed a Norwegian as well! Our names are even pretty much the same! (I have extra e pushed in there).

To be fair, this is not why I decided to give this piece a review. I was looking through the plug page and found it interesting, simply because of the description. You see, I'm a sucker for that good old post-apocalyptic setting. Now I've read it through, so I thought I'd give my honest opinion of it, one writer to another!

So grab your lusekofte and place yourself in your best godstol, and off we go!

Ava

*Info* Overview
The story is about a girl and her parents taking with them a dog as they strive for survival in the desolate wasteland Earth has turned into.

*Puzzle3* Plot&Suggestions
I want to start off with the introduction of this story. And now I'm going to pretend like I didn't read the description. The child has never seen a dog, the father carries a shotgun, their car is used to traverse abandoned cities, water and food seems to be scarce, and the child seems to know more about nooses and loading guns than she does about collars. My mind already painted the picture of a husk of a once bustling smaller town - now overgrown and free of life - and this small family that have stayed together for years (I assume this since the child has never seen a dog), doing their best to survive.

Already off the bat, I have everything I need to find myself in this world. I find the characters portrayed realistically. The parents try their best not to share their worries of supplies running out with their child. Ava, whom I assume is around 6-7 years old - still retains the curious nature of a child, despite the situation. Perhaps she was born into this mess? Perhaps this life is the only life she has ever known? Perhaps she has never faced any danger yet? This instantly reminds me of 'The Road' in so many ways, especially the child role. Why should they care about nooses? This story is told from the girl's point of view, and she seems to brush off the noose thing as something beyond her understanding - or something she is told not to worry about. And I think this works perfectly.

That being said, it is after the initial introduction that my focus slips a bit.

Things have been a bit vague up until this point, but the middle section brings a lot of information into the story.
*BulletB* First we have gangs and self-sustained communities, so I'm led to believe that it's been some time since the crisis happened.
*BulletB* I am told Ava's friend Marcy believe that some people supposedly eat humans, leading to a fright in the child for strangers, even if she brushes it off as nonsense. I'm guessing it wouldn't have been mentioned if this wasn't the case.
*BulletB* The room Ava stays in initially belonged to a boy. I believe this room belonged to their second child, now deceased, because of how the parents react.

What I thought was the best part here is when Ava talks with the dog, because it really explains to me the need she has for the friends her parents can't be, seemingly too wrapped up in their worry. There are also jumps in time here. Not just once, but twice. Now, I'm guessing this is to establish a deeper relationship between the dog and the protagonist over time, but it all seems like a reason to hurry the plot to where consequence comes into play. Establishing the world is all well and good, but half the story has been used for this just to set up what is to follow, and I think it is a bit much.

As for the last part, I think switching to present form was a good idea, and I think it works well. It creates a more direct involvement with the character, as I felt she was a bit distant from me up until this point. She has finally had enough of just waiting for time to pass by, and sneaks out with her dog, because she finds comfort and courage in its company.

Kadie growls, warning of danger. There is a sense of suspense in the air. Ava recalls a scene with her mother indirectly stating that women are possibly taken as slaves and sexually abused, and at the same time mentioning that her father was nowhere to be seen. Does this mean he is gone for good? This question takes me away from the suspense, and kind of kills it off for me.

The action continues, but then it suddenly stops with this sentence: "Ava buries her head in the fur." In my mind, the characters are now frozen at this point. It is not clear what is about to happen.

Now, according to profile, you like to leave endings open. And you know what, I'm all for this. I usually make use of this myself, but only after the tension has been properly built up and established. I don't find any tension at all before the very end, and for all I know, this man isn't out to harm her in any way.

Now, having read through it all, I am left with some questions, like:
*BulletG* Why aren't these people settling down in a settlement or town where it's safer?
*BulletG* Why did they leave this community with Macy and Co. in the first place?
Of course, you might argue that the story follows a child's point of view, so these things are beyond her comprehension and control, but I as a reader gets a bit confused when such details are put into play and not followed up on.

I think you're onto something here. In fact, I think you're on to something great here, because of how you add in subtle hints of the argument going on between the parents that take place outside the field of vision. And I also love how you never explain what really happened in the first place. There's no need for it, and it works perfectly fine.

That being said, I think you should find a very nice scissor and do a bit of cutting here.

The story is about to be about the girl and the dog, and how the dog could say her life, as the description says. But there are too many details being handed out here, as if this is the beginning of a novel. I think you should use the present tense part right off the bat, and instead tell the story from that part. You can cut out many things, like the self-sustained communities and how her father gets angry at her digging, because in essence it is about a girl and her dog wandering this desolate area, but still manage to giggle and laugh, as if nothing is wrong, and this is the part I truly love the best.

Now, I want to suggest that you add something more after the ending. Something that creates worry. As I said, I'm all for sudden endings, but only when my chair's tilted all the way up to the screen and I find myself yelling "that's it?!", followed by a violent tantrum. Perhaps have the characters meet, give the appearance that this man is good after all, before the betrayal is put into place. Perhaps the dog is injured and threatened! After all, this dog is all this girl has. How devastated would she be if the dog were to die? Very. And so would I.

I also wish Ava asked a few more questions, if only for the readers' sake. I prefer this approach over simply telling from her memory what has happened. She is a child, use this excuse to ask even the most simplest of questions.

*Thought* Language&Flow
Your story flowed like the purest waterfall in heavy rain, and I did not stumble at any part. Lots of air in here too, so it doesn't feel cramped at all.

I'm guessing that lines like "The dark isn’t scary with you here." and "They’re chasing the sun." are supposed to be thoughts of the protagonist. I think it would be better if you put these in italics, and perhaps add 'she thought' after the where first thought line, just to tell the reader this. I found this a bit confusing at first, especially the second line.

*Tack* Grammar Faults
Could not find any!

*CheckR* Final Words
I want to thank you for sharing this piece of yours. I love the setting and the concept, but I find it a bit coarse, like it's two stories mashed into one. I would love to see a continuation of the story though, and more of how the child sees the world rather than how she has already seen it.

I am hoping this review was helpful to you in some way, if only a little. I am not after your hide, I just want to bring out the best in your writing. If you notice any errors in my review, then by all means do contact me. I do hate it so when I misinterpret a story, as I would dislike it if someone did the same with my writing.

If you would like a second review after any potential changes has been done, then send me a note and I'll see what I can do.

Until next time, may the ink forever flow in your favor.

- B.H.


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5
5
Review of Permeation  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Please note that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

This particular short story has been circling my hollowed flesh tunnels of the mind for as long as this miserable existence has had me trapped in its sharp claws. Well, that's not exactly true, but it has stayed with me for some time, and I have more than once been struck in awe by its magnificence. So I thought I'd give you a little piece of my mind!

Permeation

*Info* Overview
A story about a man whose life is about to end, reflecting on the moments leading up to his wife's murder.

*Puzzle3* Plot&Problems
In all fairness, I love the way Permeation is built. It reminds me of Memento in the way that it slowly reveals details of the past in short flashbacks, and then the story comes full circle as past and present merge together. Key points are revealed at simply perfect moments, keeping me hooked from start to end.

The only thing that confuses me a bit is why. The protagonist's motives eludes my slightly-deluded-yet-brilliant mind. What did the poor wifey ever do to him to make him want to smear her blood on himself? From what I can make out, the protagonist is nothing but a man brought down to dangerous levels by his miserable life, and the guilt that his wife pegs on him is all that was needed to finally make him snap. If that is the case, then sympathies are hard to summon, but the final lines do tell that he feels at least some guilt for his actions.

*Thought* Language&Flow
The language here is absolutely gorgeous. No, I'm not afraid to say it! In this cesspool known as life, we surround ourselves with bad grammar on a daily basis. Hear, hear, I have found our salvation! You may believe I am being sarcastic - as I tend to be - but I am not. It is damn well written, and deserves to be commended for that. So you may pat yourself a pat on the shoulder, because it's going to be hard for me to do it.

*Tack* Grammar Faults
None to be found!

*CheckR* Final Words
I can't remember why Permeation lunged at my attention, but I know what made me come back to it at several occasions. It is excellently written, masterfully crafted, and interesting even to a bloke like me who has the attention span of a toddler. But. That being said, I will not give it a 5, because the why still bothers me, as well as the slightly underwhelming conclusion.

Other than that, there's nothing more for me to say. There's a reason why this item is the only item on my fan list as of this moment.

May the ink flow eternally and your imagination come at ease.

- B.H.


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6
6
Review of Story Maker  Open in new Window.
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Please not that I present my views not as a professional writer or reviewer, but as a casual reader.

A mighty fine Halloween to ye, fellow writer! It so happens that I was in the neighborhood, seeking stories that chill and thrill, and I ended up being drawn to your story like a... like a... well, I'm sure you know what follows, therefore I will not waste more time with words of little meaning. Let us begin!

*Puzzle3* Plot&Problems
Ah, what a wonderfully classic scenario, one that continues to scare the sleep out of children and young adults alike, and makes them think twice about visiting ancient, abandoned bookstores by themselves. However, the story is not just about character interaction, and there is unfortunately no typical ending where the protagonist ends up as lunch / dinner / light snack. Instead, it is revealed that the antagonist - for a lack of a better word - knows the main character, and has done so for quite some time, a twist I very much like.

There's much back story to be found here, telling everything about the main character's interest and why she is placed in the location at the current time - alone. Both characters fit perfectly into the genre, but I still feel I was left with several questions regarding this creepy fellow. Your writing suggests he knows everything about the protagonist, but she never seems to ask the right questions. But then again, I have never been in the same room with someone sporting an impressive collection of skeletons, so I cannot say how I would have reacted.

On a side note, I assumed at first that the antagonist was a manifestation of Gemma's imagination (which would explain how he could have followed her), but apparently Mr. King had also met this fellow.


*Thought* Language&Flow
Contrary to what you might believe, it was not the title that held my eyes in place, but the story itself, once I started reading. I never found the story boring, never adding too much information that could sidetrack my curiosity. Quite the opposite, actually. Near the end, I feel you suddenly rush to the finish line. She suddenly blurts out the request to hear his story, as if several lines of dialogue were skipped. Even if you meant for it to be like that, I at least found it odd.


*Tack* Grammar Faults
> You're story! Gemma gulped. - Should be 'your'.
> Stephan King - I don't know if you deliberately misspelled his name, but the writer's actual name is Stephen King.


*CheckR* Final Words
I thank you for such an entertaining read. Before I go eat the three plump children I have hidden in my cauldron breakfast, I would like to say some closing words. The story is a nice, classic story with the twist of the protagonist cleverly turning the antagonist into an ally and using him to kickstart her career, and I liked it. I still feel a portion is missing here, though, which is the only real drawback I could find.

Keep on writing, fellow writer, and still a good Halloween to you.

-B.H.
7
7
Review by Bear Hunter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Now this was certainly a nice story to start the day with!

The story certainly has a nice flow to it. It's just as easy to read as it's humorous. The concept of turning a toaster into a flesh-eating ninja pirate robot is borderline genius in my eyes (and I assure you there is nothing wrong with my eyes).

Donut.

Personally I would like to know what this machine of epic proportions is supposed to be used for. Some kind of weapon, I take it? Through the story I get to know what the individual parts makes the ex-toaster capable of, but just as it is finished, just as the moment I longed for arrives, the story ends. Such a cruel tease! I request more!

I stumbled upon a single grammar fault in the second line of the fifth paragraph: who's should be whose.

Excuse me, I suddenly felt the urge for bread.
- Bear Hunter

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