This is an interesting premise: what would happen if Santa asked Jesus if he were a good person?
Well, we will see about that.
What is interesting for me is if Santa understands there is a bible, but he has a list and is going down his list. So, I would say stick to what they both might know about the other.
Jesus is the son of God, and therefore, as the child of God, he is on Santa's list.
Maybe talk more about the time when Jesus was growing up and the fact that he was a carpenter, so there is some meat on the bones, and it doesn't devolve into you ain't as great as me, and I know you are, but what am I? Although you might want that, which is fine.
It has potential, but loops like this where the piece just regurgitates points it has already made need to be expunged.
Can you heal the sick? Can you rise from the dead? Can you cast out demons? Do you know everything? Do you-
Whoa there! Slow down, beard boy! I can’t keep up with all these questions. (chuckles) I believe he already say he could do all these things.
You use a lot of time for the build-up on the river, and I see him out on the water, and then you end it with your hook: He should have been happy, but he was miserable. We would be closer if you used the pronoun His parents had hoped this trip with the Scouts and Explorers would help Craig fit in socially with the other kids. Could it even be dangerous for him to be alone? Typically, you're supposed to be with someone anyway. This could make it sound more dangerous for him. However, this sounds like a summary of what happened.
You're doing a lot of "telling," and I don't think you need to. Too often tagged as a "nerd" at school, he hadn't made many friends. We get this from his ratty glasses and the fact that he is alone. Try not to tell us what you've shown us.
Please show us the story. Craig opened his Scout Handbook to a page he'd previously bookmarked. I can show them how to do this. He swallowed his fear and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. He had inserted a sticky note to help him quickly locate the illustrations of knots he was sure the troop would use while setting up tents. I'll show them. Craig felt lightheaded But then he saw all of the tents were modern dome tents that didn't require ropes or knots, the other scouts had quickly set them up.
"You know you could use a knot on that." Tod had said before he realized that these tents were different. The head of the pack, said, "Get lost". So, he wandered back and forth between the patrols and the explorer's campsites, comparing the camp set-up to the illustrations in his handbook. They were doing it wrong. He shook his head and kicked up dust.
"If you try.." Craig started when he saw Bobby bended over the tent. Bobby said, "Get lost. The other scouts began to gather as Bobby yelled and Craig tried to explain. Mr. Todd, the Scoutmaster, Said, "Stop this racket. You will work together!" He warned. The other scouts, who had just been laughing, hid their giggles behind their hands and swallowed their laughter, showing restraint thanks to Mr. Todd.
Get in the scene; don't stand in the way of your writing. Show us. I like the premise of how a young boy finds his place. I think it's a great story and anecdote. I give you 5 points for story idea and premise.
I hope you see how to get "into" the scene from my slight rewrites. Show us them talking, a mosquito on someone's arm, the setting sun. Don't just tell us they talked. One way we see it. It should play like a movie before our eyes, not like you're standing at our ears and we're blind and must take your word. You started out in a scene on the river, which was beautiful. But then you decided to tell everything in backstory. But the backstory is the story. Stay in scene. Show us in scenes. Good luck. Please keep going.
Hilarious and I like your voice in this piece it is consistent. You've created a sing-song twang of what I imagine or think of when I think of the mountains of Georgia.
So some points that I think would help the reader to come into this world: Say upfront that it is shoe peg chewing tobacco if we know up front it helps us invest in the story because we know what you're talking about. Because when you describe it as "twisted off its axis" I honestly didn't know what it was.
I would like a response/reaction from the boy when she says, "Wanna chew?"
I wasn't sure if you went to your grandmother's house or if your grandmother was living with the boy. That could be cleared up by saying either when I came back...or when I arrived over at my grandma's. It was just unclear.
Because your mother has a calico cat and it was unclear because this cat has no name or personality and she is over at your grandma's? They were all strays so did your mom have an infinity for the one cat to call it her own? A little backstory on "your mother's cat" wouldn't hurt. Even if it's called your mother's cat as a joke because your mother hates it the most.
You close the quotes every time the grandmother speaks but she keeps speaking. If you don't add any gestures or stage direction I would just leave the quotes open so it is clear she speaks for a particularly long time.
The same with horehound candy what is it? Does it just come out of her pocket does she make it herself? Or is it a brand from the hills of Georgia? Same with chewing Union workers which sounds funny, but chew/tobacco would clear up what the boy means.
Finally, I would have liked the last part instead of being a voice from the ether to be framed by the little boy.. Even something like "I'm sure on a lonely hillside.."
What a fun read, thank you for this voice and this humorous story about a childhood that sounds special.
I think this is a strong idea well executed; I would say be careful of things that are cliches because you are an original writer, for ex. "spark in his eyes." I don't know if you had a word count restriction with this, but I would have liked to get a sense of Lucy -where does she come from, the US or Europe?
They are both dropped in the story, although I do feel I understand their passions, the photographer's passion, and Lucy's. But who names their child Lucy? When was she born? Not that I need to know this, but she has a name, and she speaks, but I don't get a sense that they existed before you wrote these words, so they don't jump off the page.
You may have a word count restriction or contest, but... I also think you need a reaction to the fact that she is a sniper, even if she lowers her voice to say it and he clutches his chest. I say this in jest, but we need to feel the danger of her words even if they, like fools, rush in.
This is funny. I loved it. -----Just this one stanza felt off Brand-I wanted something more on brand
He was dressed in black. -------He was dressed in white?
He was dressed to kill. ------- He'd just kicked the bucket?
He would shoot his six-guns --- Just for thrills, He pointed his six-guns high
Point `em up at the heavens Tell'en 'nem reach for the sky!
Yellin’, “Yeeeeeehaw! Holy smoke! Don't step on a crack!
The Savior is back!”
This was to give you an idea of why I felt it wasn't on brand. Good luck with this. It has potential. I find it excellent, and I hope you find a home for it. I'm giving you a 4.5 because I would say change this stanza, but it has a lot of potential and great writing.
How does he spend his time? What does he usually do? Does he think about anybody or anything? Why is he on the street with a mental illness, or he couldn't find a job? If I were reading this story for money, I would need a hint of the conflict. Either the conflict with him and the world or a hint at the more significant conflict he will get caught up in. Is the Russian a lovely father figure for him, or is he setting him up for something?
Small points. Excellent first steps get more of the character on the page so we know who he is and what is at stake. If he eats every day at the Russian trash can, then there is no urgency for food, but this day, the Russian will let him eat at the table—just some points to spell out so we know how desperate the situation is.
Is he eating in the bathroom? It sounds like he's going to make him eat in the bathroom. It comes later that he "presumable is going to feed him. Why not set it up with the butcher offering the meal in the kitchen if he gets cleaned up and then says, "Follow me,". but's a minor point of confusion. The Butcher slapped an ivory bar of soap into Sean’s hand. “Wash up.
Good man like you deserves proper meal.” Sean glanced between the soap and the butcher.
“But… I don’t have money to p-” Sean started.
“Ah!” The stout man interjected. “Did not ask for money. You eat.” I thought the butcher wanted him to eat the soap. The Butcher cut him off and walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him - presumably walking to the kitchen to make the food they’d be sharing.
For some reason, this sounds really weak -- Sean sighed --maybe spell it out; Sean inhaled ..give us some other movements to show how he is feeling.
Did he not bother with a towel? . Turning off the light, Sean opened the bathroom door and exited, only to be pelted in the face with something soft.
I'd like to know how it felt, smelt, putting on his old clothes after the shower. Was he walking out of the bathroom defeated, heading back out on the street?
I understand the Russian butcher in his late 50s-60s. I don't get a sense of Sean. He's been through war, but he is the most polite person I've heard of in this situation.
When he calls the Butcher "sir," I get the feeling he is in his late teens or early 20's as if the Butcher is calling him a son. But then, sometimes, it feels like he is at least in his 30s. Could you give just a sentence here and there of the back story? You do start by sneaking in he was in some conflict/war. Is he from California, the Midwest? Is this what you would say, “Thank you. Truly.” Sean called. Tell me what kind of man this is and why he is on the street through hints. Good luck! Great start!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beebau
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:44am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
