Hahaha, Bravo again Richard for creating such a delightfully amusing piece- that ending, about not liking spiders "climbing on my head" was priceless and you most certainly have a knack for great humor. This piece definitely reminded me of a children's poem, and the rhyme was, for the most part, very well executed through out, so excellent job there as well. Just a few comments.
In the 3rd stanza, the tempo at "But will snare..." sounds a bit off in relation to the previous line. Perhaps removing the 'will' from that line entirely would make it flow a bit smoother. Also, minor nitpicking, should the 4th stanza line, "whose pointed fangs holds juice..." be 'hold' juice instead. Just something I noticed there.
Overall, a delightfully amusing, well executed piece of poetry. Thanks for the great read again Richard and definitely write on!
Weezy, this is a very interesting story- definitely an original take on the prompt and you did an excellent job building a whole new world of fantasy. Also, bravo on sticking with the POV of the main character Aiden throughout the story and conveying that clearly throughout. No grammatical errors, I could find either, so good work there. Just a few comments,
First, the story seems to unfold a bit too quickly- one minute, we're meeting Aiden and the next he's killing people left and right. Also, there seems to be too many new characters introduced with little character development. Perhaps slowing it down and introducing the reader to Aiden first- what makes him tick, what does he like, dislike?etc. Also, I'd have liked to know more about this Lord of Fire character as well as the sorceress character and if you decide to write a longer story going into more details on these things, I'd love to come back and take a second read.
You did a wonderful job with the dialogue- it flowed quite nicely, so great job there. Overall, a very interesting story, could really shine with a bit more polish. Thanks for the entertaining read and write on!
Hahaha, this made me chuckle- the simple, straightforward philosophical comedy of it was well nigh genius. I never thought of it that way, but the frozen chicken is indeed lucky its head's missing- no messy thoughts for that 'un- well apart from the whole being frozen and a chicken thing. Bravo! Thanks for the delightfully amusing read and write on!
Welcome to WDC! This is a wonderfully insightful entry on the nature of stress and why we experience it. The prose is straightforward and simple to understand so well done on that front. As for the content itself, I completely agree that sometimes we stress simply for the sake of stressing and I applaud the advice to "be yourself".
However, I think you can push this a bit further- explore this idea of 'being yourself'. What does it mean? How does it help us create a better self, what if we don't know/like who 'ourself' is, how does that affect stress levels, our desires to strive for more. There's so much more you can expand on this and I'd love to see it if you do.
Overall, a very insightful piece. Thanks for the interesting read and write on!
Bravo Xylch! Certainly a very original take on the human marrying ugly troll story. The prose was simple and straightforward to understand and the twist at the ending with the man turning into a troll was very well done.
I had a question about the POV of the story- but it appears this is one of those tales where the story is being told from the POV of an omniscient narrator? Overall, an excellent, very entertaining story. Thanks for the great read and write on!
I applaud the premise of this story Grey- setting the scene in an office building with all the tensions it entails was inspired, so bravo on that front! The dialogue was fluid as well so great job on that front too. That said, just a few comments on the story,
First, on POV. Whose POV exactly is the story being told from? Or is this one of those omniscient narrator type fics? While I thought the descriptions of some of the characters- "Chet" for instance, were quite vivid and extremely well done, it seemed that for such a short fic, there was a number of perspective switching so that at any one time, it was difficult to tell whether Chet, Slater, or Isabel or a narrator was telling the story. For instance, I think we switch from Chet to Isabella at some point in the story, but I'm not quite sure, because the story starts with what seems like a narrator. A little clarification would help, but this is just my opinion so please feel free to disregard it.
Also, I was a bit confused here: "You're not listening to reason, man! Expanding into- "Reason! First of all, remember who you're talking to. Secondly, I only need one more reason to send you packing. This meeting is over!" Is this Chet arguing with Slater? Perhaps separating both lines into two paragraphs would help making this clearer? Now this Isabel character seems quite interesting indeed. Not really sure what to make of her- is she a scheming seductress, a woman who sees the role of women as mere sex kittens to trick men with dastardly means, or one who wants to do all she can to help her lover? Couldn't really place the character and her motives, which made the ending line about "a woman's touch can move mountains" a tad confusing.
Overall, a very interesting story, the prose is clear, and the dialogue for, the most part, is easy to follow. Thanks for the great read and definitely write on!
This is an extremely interesting piece luispadilla, not the least because it seems to be, at the same time, sympathizing with and condemning the 'children of Babel' which I'm assuming is referring to the United States, given its multilingual, multicultural nature. The biblical allegory is inspired, so bravo on that front. Some of the imagery was very poignant and vivid as well, so great job there as well. That said, just a few comments, below:
The first line, perhaps would read better if you replace the "oh" with an "o" children of Babel. I thought this metaphor for the US, "children of Babel" was quite clever, if a bit controversial- makes you pause and think of the implications of being a "child of Babel"
This line- "skyline has trembled, clouds have unraveled" was a tad confusing, imagery wise. I kept trying to imagine this scene, but just couldn't see clouds "unraveling", though it does make for nice poetic speech
Also, the birds, not bird's. And the line, "Have charted their course,and have sought a new route" could be made to sound a lot cleaner with "have charted their course and sought a new route". The 'worm in apple' imagery was delightfully disturbing- very evocative, and very vivid. Another grammar error- "townspeople" and "axes" not "axe's". The Judge hitting the Gavel was another one of those wonderfully disturbing images.
You end with a line about vengeance, and I couldn't help but be reminded of that famous biblical line, "vengeance is mine saith the Lord" leaving me to question if you were actually celebrating the victory of the 'children of babel' or presenting an entirely cynical, 'who are we to...' kind of view on the whole thing.
Overall, an intriguing, thought-provoking poem- wonderful imagery, and a very ingenious employment of metaphors. Thanks for the great read and write on!
Bill Gates as a hobo who sells his soul to the devil- quite a humorous tale. This was a nicely written piece of dialogue. The back and forth between the two characters flowed naturally and the prose itself was simple and easy to follow. Though I will admit, I was a bit suspicious of a hobo as 'well spoken' as this one seemed to be, and the devil seemed decidedly less, well, devilish than the kind I'm used to. That said, just a few comments,
First- minor grammatical error- "I just hope you're (your) life..." towards the end. Also, does the devil actually say the word 'sigh' in the 2nd to last paragraph? That seemed a bit odd and if he's not actually saying the word, then perhaps, italics or some other notation outside of the quotation marks would suffice. These are just my suggestions, so please feel free to take them with as much salt as you desire.
Overall, an entertaining piece of dialogue. Thanks for the great read and write on!
Again, gorgeous story! Use of first person in the diary context is powerful- I can feel every emotion, every disappointment of the character conveyed in the story. Simple, easy, straightforward writing style- if there was ever a need for a poster tale against adolescent promiscuity/premature/premarital etc sex, this would be it.
Thanks for the fantastic read and write on!
This was a wonderfully written story. The character of Angelique was solid and believable and you did a great job building suspense right up to the very end. My only question/confusion is with the ending of the story, and even after rereading I'm still unsure about this- Was the Door really supernatural then? Or is this merely, as Angelique discovers, a commentary on the powers of human projection- so Angelique was treated badly because she viewed herself badly and the other characters were merely promiscuous, etc? I was a tad disappointed to discover that the Door really wasn't supernatural, if not, but you did a fantastic job leading me on if that's the case; so bravo on that count.
Well done with this tale. I found no grammatical errors and even the title was appropriately chosen. Thanks for a fantastic read and write on!
This is a beautiful piece. I liked the biblical references- very apt considering MLK Jr.'s history as a preacher, the personal reflection ('this is what it means to me') and I especially liked the triumphant tone of the last two paragraphs of the essay. It's a good reminder that though we've come a long way, we still have a long way to go as a people and as human beings living together on this planet we call Earth. You have a gift for oratory. Thanks for the great read and write on!
An very nice story- I especially liked the twist at the end. Just a couple of points I noticed in reading,
1. You follow the statement "He was beyond hurt" by 'he was in a very bad way'. The latter statement seems to understate the previous one. Somehow, "a very bad way" seems a bit too mild for someone who has just stated that he is "beyond hurt". Is this deliberate? If not, the statements, next to each other, really stood out as odd to me, which jolted me out of the story just a bit.
2. Also, at the end, where it ends "He had no idea"- this seems to be a shift in POV from the man to the woman? If so, perhaps an extra line of spacing would be in order, otherwise it seems a bit confusing.
These are merely suggestions so please feel free to take them with as much salt as you wish. Thanks for the great read and write on!
An excellent story! You held the reader's attention by framing the story as a letter and I could almost imagine the horror the man might feel upon discovering that his wife is about to discover the mistress' purchase. I especially liked the stalling that the character Martha does at the beginning, you were able to tell us something about her character in less than 1000 words. Bravo, thanks for the great read and write on!
An interesting piece, it definitely feels like an interlude before, or after something. Perhaps, because of its brevity, it seems almost too incomplete. Perhaps, it's the ending- 'Serenely'; ending with an adverb, really does make it seem like there should be something more, a description, a statement, anything, following that term. Overall, an interesting piece. Thanks for the read and write on!
This was quite lovely. I would really like to know more about the character who was chosen, but the structure of the poem, the punctuation, the wording, all fit perfectly with the searching, questioning mood of the poem.
Thanks for the read and write on!
Welcome to WDC! First of all, I giggled a bit at the silliness of this story. It fits right into the tradition of the Goosebumps, et al, type stories. It was very predictable (I knew what it was about simply from reading the description), which is not necessarily a bad thing; though if you were trying to style it as a mystery, then perhaps a few structural changes might be in order.
Just a few suggestions, perhaps you might want to reduce the number of ellipses, as they take the reader out of the story. Also, they are a bit confusing at times. For instance, right at the start, why does the narrator pause with an ellipsis right before saying his name? Also, the story was a bit lacking in descriptive imagery, which is almost always essential in creating the setting of a good ghost story, so perhaps you can add that as well.
Also, the character repeats the word "weird" a lot, which is a bit distracting. More imagery would fix the need for the repetition of the word. Basically, rather than telling the reader that a situation is weird, show us that the situation is weird. Describe it in such a way that, we have no choice but to agree with the character that indeed,the situation is strange.
One more point, what is the time frame of the story? It seems to jump around quite a bit, from midnight to 11:50 for instance, which is a bit confusing.
Lastly, there are a few minor grammatical errors ('were' instead of we're, 'shone' vs. 'shown' for instance), that could be fixed to improve the flow of the story.
I liked the visual structure of the poem. I just had a few questions/suggestions. For one, I'd like a bit more character building- who is this 'she' that is being referenced so often in the poem?
Also the description states, 'dream or nightmare', so what part of the poem is the nightmare? Is it the loss from the dreamer awakening with the woman's image fading from memory. Lastly, I understand the use of repetition for emphasis with the "in my dreams" line. It's just that here, it seemed a bit overused, and rather than providing emphasis, actually detracted from my focus on the poem itself.
Maybe, one or two repeats at the beginning and end of the poem would be better?
These are just suggestions, so please take them with as much salt as you desire.
In my opinion, overall, the poem has potential, just needs a little tweaking here and there.
Thank you for the read and write on!
This is a very touching poem. I liked that the reader was unable to tell what the subject of the poem was until the very last line. The imagery used was also very vivid, easy to visualize. My only input would be that the rhyming between "Abducted life" and "Alzheimer's rife" seemed a bit forced. Thanks for sharing and write on!
I didn't think it was possible to write a good story in 55 words, but congratulations, you just proved me wrong. You were able to tell a complete, even humorous, story in 55 words or less, and that alone is an impressive feat. Apart from a super minor nitpicky punctuation detail (maybe a comma between "her lips" and "he heard"?), I have no suggestions for this story. Thanks for the fun read and write on!
Some very true statements mentioned here, very insightful. Just one suggestion about the formatting- maybe space things out more to make it easier to read. You have some very insightful stuff here. Good work and keep writing!
Very interesting analysis of the situation. I'm not as familiar with the Anini character, but Babangida is a well known name, and I'd have liked to know more about how the two were connected. Also, you mention Yar'Adua at the end. What is Yar'Adua's relation to the corruption spawned by Anini? Btw, feel free to check out some of my stories, a lot of them are set (somewhat loosely) in Nigeria so feedback from someone familiar with the place would be nice. Good work here though!
I really like this. It almost seems like time itself is protesting its own innocence to those who seem to decry it- those that want it to succumb to death, stating that it is "no thief". I also like the attention to rhyming placed here, with the ending simply being time (almost as though time is signing off on the statement). Of course this simply my amateurish reading of the poem. Very nice, keep writing.
I absolutely love the sweetness of this poem, it seems so light and airy and you do a good job with the imagery, making it easy for the reader to visualize what you are describing. It's sweet, wistful with just the right hint of haunting towards the end- "a perfect dream forever ours" Usually, I dislike the use of cliched descriptions- "sunlight on face, wind in hair, etc." on poems, but here you do it well and it works. Keep up the good work
I like the spirituality of this poem, and it's inspirational undertones. What I would love to see is more vivid imagery and an explanation of the structure chosen for the poem. There is also a lot of repetition of certain words- was that intentional, for emphasis? Overall an okay poem
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