It has been awhile since I have found time to write any poetry and enter your contests.
I hope life has been treating you well during my absence.
The message of this poem is indeed powerful. So many people make rude and insulting comments, which are entirely unnecessay for communication. It seems that our elders are too often the victims of demeaning remarks. They should be revered and respected for their wisdom instead of scorned because they are old.
The syllable count per line is perfect for a sonnet, however I have found a couple of glitches in the mechanics of your poem. In the 2nd quatrain, the words "poison" and "cauldron" do not rhyme. They are indeed similar, but not a true match. Also, in the 3rd quatrain, the words "closed" and "endowed" do not rhyme. These do NOT distract the reader from the meaning of the poem in any way, but I thought you might not have noticed these transgressions and would want to change the wording.
Perhaps something like this:
--The foolish poison of those seeming barbs;
--They gnaw the vitals in the course of time.
--And even if disguised in pleasant garbs,
-- Ungrateful children speak abuse sublime.
This is just my humble opinion and I offer these verses to you, to use if you choose.
In addition, each line of a Shakespearean sonnet should have ten syllables andshould be written in iambic pentameter, which a pattern of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable is repeated five times. Some of your verses sound awkward when they are read aloud and they do not fall into the iambic pentameter pattern.
Read aloud your 2nd quatrain, then read aloud the one that I have offered to you. I am sure you will hear the difference.
I truly hope you are not offended by my observations. Again, this is only in regards to the mechanics of the sonnet. As a poem, the meaning is compelling.
Thank you for this opportunity to review your work. Thank you for maintaining your contests, which add integrity to Writing.com.
I have not participated much with WDC for the past few months, but I am now trying to make more time for my reading and writing.
I never realized how many sonnets you have written and posted. Quite a collection!!
I glanced at several before I found one that suited my mood tonight.
I enjoyed and approved of the message being offered in this sonnet. Whether manly or womanly, calm discussion is much preferred over brute interaction.
However, I was suprised to see an error in the sonnet format. The fourth line, "To wield the machete rather than the balm," has 11 syllables instead of 10. (Unless, of course, my southern dialect has somehow added a syllable where none should be.)
Also, in the the 9th and 11th lines, the ending words of those lines do not rhyme. They are close, but only the vowel sounds carry the rhyme.
What if you tried something like this?
--- For those who challenge everyone they see
--- Are not too manly, ask your own conscience.
--- They search for any way to disagree
--- Looking for signs of a tiny offense?
It is only a modest suggestion. Feel free to use it or discard it, as you wish.
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work. Also, thank you for continuing to sponsor your three Poetry Contests. I appreciate the efforts of rhythm, rhyme and poetic structure. Your contests strive to make others aware of the beauty of the more difficult poetic forms.
This is an intriguing poem. It appears to be about a person who once had joy and beauty in his life, but ... now feels the need to be punished and condemned for something he has done ... for some line he has crossed. The story is well told, but quite distressing, which I am sure is the purpose of the poem.
You have made good effort at creating a rhyme pattern in your poem, but it doesn't always remain consistent from one stanza to the next. However, that lack of consistency adds to the chaos and confusion that the main character is experiencing.
But ... there are misspelled words that stand out and should be changed.
Chaotic rhyme and meter can be planned as part of a poem.
Chaotic spelling needs to be fixed so that the poem can be appreciated for its merit.
In your first line ... "Sleep dose not come very often"
**dose should be does**
In the 5th stanza and again in the 12th stanza ... "God and his angles"
**angles should be angels**
In the 8th stanza ... "That air that I breathed fills my lounges"
**lounges should be lungs**
Besides spelling, correct grammar is important unless it is being used for a specific reason. In the 5th stanza ... "But the feeling grew immenser still"
**immenser shoud be more immense**
Spell-Check can only do so much.
Proof-reading is important!
With these few corrections, I feel that you have created a poem that truly conveys the darkness that can be experienced within our soul and within our dreams.
Write On!
As always,
"Bella Bunny"
(\/)
( . .)
c('')('')
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like this!
Even though this is a short piece of writing, I can feel an amazing story behind it.
With a bit of thinking, you could flesh out this poem and turn it into a short fantasy story.
Give a bit of detail to explain how they first met, their continued affair, her ultimate death. These are all intriguing ideas!
For your poem, you seem to start each verse with a rhyming couplet (two lines that rhyme) and each line has 8 syllables. This is good!
If you want this to be the signature rhythm for the poem, you should follow it through to the end. This will give it your own unique pattern.
Verse one and two follow your pattern very nicely.
Verse three falters a bit with only 7 syllables in each line.
What if you did this?
I added one word at the beginning of each line.
"And now the futures darkness spilled
My senses numbed, soul unfilled"
Further down, you have another line with only 7 syllables.
How about this?
"I'm sure you'll find a lover new"
Lastly, the first line of the final couplet has too many syllables.
If you want, I can offer suggestions for that as well, but I don't want to step on your toes!
Feel free to use my suggestions or toss them out completely. Poetry is a unique expression from deep inside. I tend to write with patterns, but that doesn't mean you have to do it too. Write in the way that works for YOU!
Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
Write On!
As always,
"Bella Bunny"
(\/)
( . .)
c('')('')
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is very well written! I write poetry and I am usually frustrated by flaws within poetry written by other people, but this is outstanding!
It has a great rhythm and rhyme pattern. (14 syllable lines and rhyming couplets are among my favorites combinations.) The topic is unique and well told. You encompass a wealth of perspective and information within 10 lines of poetry.
If I may offer one suggestion --- the only small bit that rubs me is the word "sins" at the end of the 3rd verse. I feel that it needs to be singular to maintain the rhyme with the next verse. It would not change the meaning in any way. Perhaps changing the words "judgements", "truths" and "sins" to singular would maintain the tense in that verse and would also maintain the rhyme.
--- But as I said, it is only a suggestion.
This is an extremely well written and thought provoking poem just as it stands!
This is a fun idea for a poll, especially for Star Trek fans!
Out of the movies you have listed, I chose "Wrath of Khan", which first appeared in 1982. My favorite quote: "Kirk, my old friend! Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space!"
It was truly a wonderful movie!
However, I truly think your list should include the very first movie from 1979. "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". After all, it is the one that took Star Trek fans to a place where no fans had gone before! It was the first Trek on the BIG SCREEN! This movie showed the rest of the world that Hollywood was listening to all the geeks who wanted to see more of the U.S.S Enterprise and her crew.
Perhaps you could offer more fun polls for Star Trek fans!
Such as:
- favorite tv series
- favorite (or least favorite) character from each series
- favorite alien
- favorite quote
- etc, etc etc -- so many possibilities!
(I would even be willing to help, if I have time!)
Enough of my ramblings!
Live long and prosper!
Write On!
Your attempt at a limerick tells a funny story about Aunt Suzy's bad cooking! I truly enjoyed the four verses that told of her ordeal.
However ... you missed out on the rhyme pattern of the basic limerick.
According to Dictionary.com, a limerick is a kind of humorous verse of five lines, in which the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with each other, and the third and fourth lines, which are shorter, form a rhymed couplet.
For example, in your first verse, the words, "dinner", "simmer" and "cinder" should all be rhyming words ... but they aren't. Your second verse was spot-on for rhyming and the third verse was two out of three. In the fourth verse, the three longer lines rhymed, but the couplet did not rhyme ("one" and "come").
Your idea was great and in other types of poetry, the rhyme would not be such an important issue. But, the limerick is a specific type of poem and you truly need to follow the defined pattern. Otherwise, you have created a funny bit of poetry, but it can't be classified as a limerick, as required by the rules for the contest.
I am sure you could "tweak" it a bit and create a perfect limerick that tells a very funny story! If you need help or suggestions, I would be delighted to offer my assistance.
Best wishes and "write on"!
As Always,
"Bella Bunny"
(\/)
( . .)
c('')('')
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a painful and emotional poem and it feels as though it was written from the heart. I assume that it was written from first-hand experience. If that is true, I am glad that you turned to writing as an outlet for your feelings.
You can say things in poetry or other forms of writing that you would never consider telling to a friend. Writing can become a friend, who will listen to anything you need to share and who will never be judgemental.
You can also write the things you wish you had been able to say. You can even change the outcome of a specific event to make it feel more like a personal victory instead of a personal pain and/or humiliation.
As for your writing, I did not see any errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation. I tend to be a "traditional" poet and I look closely at rhyme and rhythm within a poem. Your poem followed closely with an "aabb" pattern in each stanza - i.e. the last words of the first two lines rhymed and the last words of the next two lines rhymed. You maintained a good sense of rhyme throughout the entire poem, with only one exception. The first two lines of the 3rd stanza - the last words of each line are "times" and "crime". As a suggestion, what if you wrote ... "I can never forget each single time ..." for the first line of that stanza? Again, this is only a suggestion. The poem conveys the emotion quite clearly without any changes.
As for the meter or rhythm of the poem, again ... I am a traditionalist. I prefer a balanced rhythm that is almost a "sing-song" pattern. It is something that I have been trying to overcome! I like to read poetry aloud, and when I read this one, it didn't always fall into a comfortable spoken pattern. As I said, that is just a personal view and it is something that I am trying to overcome. Your writing style does not interfere with the message and the emotion of the poem.
All in all, a good effort! Welcome aboard to Writing.com!
I hope to see more of your work!
Hang in there and keep smiling!
I truly love Edgar Allen Poe and I definitely enjoy any tribute to his work, especially "The Raven".
This is quite nicely written! It has an intriguing rhythm and rhyme pattern.
The story is well told and the ending is quite appropriate for all aspiring writers.
I have also used the cadence of "The Raven" to write a similar poem.
I would be pleased if you would take a look and offer your opinion.
This is a haunting and lovely poem of loss and longing.
Even though I prefer poetry with rhyme and rhythm, I am moved by the emotional imagery that you have shown.
This sounds like an interesting lead-in to a short story or even for a novel. However, this is only a whisper of a beginning. It needs details, details, details!
You will need to work on development of both the story line and the characters.
You have a lot of potential with this! Now go for it!
This is an intriguing piece of writing. I am not quite sure I would call it poetry. It feels more like prose -- a statement to be read aloud to an audience for their personal contemplations.
I like the way you carried a word or phrase from the end of one line to the beginning of the next - and then finished with a reference back to the beginning. It is an excellent means of showing the cycles of weather patterns, cycles of time, cycles of life.
Such a sad look at the life of our older generation as they slowly decline. Is this written from a true experience in your life? Or is it a response to what you understand about Alzheimer's?
The title is so very appropriate for this poem. The same questions are asked over and over. Those affected by dementia seem to grasp at the few bits left in their memories and repeat them again and again.
I love poetry and I love a bit of fantasy. This piece of writing weaves the two of them togething in an intriguing way!
You have chosen a unique rhyming pattern for your poem. In the first and the last stanzas, the first two lines rhyme and the last two lines rhyme - rhyming couplets - a-a-b-b.
In the five stanzas in between, you have a pattern of a-a-b-a, with the 1st, 2nd and 4th lines in rhyme.
It is as though the 1st and last stanzas are the introduction and the conclusion of your poem, since they have a different pattern from the others. Did you plan this, or did it just happen perfectly to work out this way. I like it!
This a delightful statement on the difference between the younger and the older versions of the female psyche.
I especially like the "back and forth" use of italics to show the child and the adult.
I have only one comment to make - which concerns your choice of words. (However, this is my own opinion and is not meant to demean your effort.)
You use the phrase "piss and vinegar" for the little girl, whereas you have "quiet and demur, corsets and hose" for the woman. Could the word choice for the little girl be something less caustic (and/or offensive)?
little girls
screams and giggles
skinned knees and jump ropes
braids and bubblegum
~~OR~~
The word choices for the woman be something more modern?
(The word "corset" gives me a vision of a Victorian era woman.)
woman
quiet and demur
modest attire
polished and manicured
Unless Victorian is the vision you are trying to portray. Hmmm... I may need to think on this some more!
Nonetheless, you have created a statement about how young women lose a bit of themselves as they try to become what society deems is "acceptable". Nicely done! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Have a great day!
~~ "Bella Bunny" ~~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I much prefer poetry with distinct rhyme and rhythm, but this piece of writing captured my attention. I truly enjoyed reading it!
You have created a"rhythm" with the repetition of the phrase "I almost didn't see you ..." and you really seem to make a statement about the way so many people hurry and scurry along without being noticed.
Your stanzas are wonderfully descriptive and I enjoyed the quality of a story being told throughout this piece.
What a wonderful and unique poem! Not only have you created a nicely rhymed poem, but also one that is visually striking and appealing!
The inverted pyramid shape of each stanza immediately draws the attention of the reader. As you state in the opening line of your last stanza, "I just love all creativity"!! And THIS is wonderfully creative!!
I also agree wholeheartedly with the content of your poem. Writing poetry is indeed an amazing occurance when someone is able to create such wonderful things as this, from strokes of a pen.
(... or from a keyboard, as the case may be...)
Bravo! Well Done! Write On!
"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Truly inspired by the demon dreams of Edgar himself!
A despairingly told tale full of such descriptive language that I was could picture Lord Dracula and his lady, and then picture the crone and the cat.
I especially enjoyed the poetic language and the shortened forms of words to enable them to stay within a specific meter in a given line (such as "wond'ring" or "sep'rate"). Nicely done!
I saw one line which may either be a typo or perhaps I am simply reading it incorrectly ...
And now again, he spied the urn
of Gods' foul water: Felt it burn
and sear and melt away his skin!
('Tho reaching not the soul within- now laid open the the stake
which even NOW was arching down!
The word "the" is repeated in that line. An error? Or meant to be a stutter, with perhaps a comma between?
Nonetheless, the poem is quite horrific and quite well done. Yes, E.A. would be pleased.
Have a wonderful evening.
As always,
"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I wandered into your port and stopped to read a bit of your soul.
I like the concept of three rhyming lines to create a poem. I know about rhyming couplets, so I guess you would call these rhyming triplets? It almost feels like lyrics for a song. Have you considered creating a melody to accompany the words?
I like the title "Falling Angels" and I am intrigued with why you chose the name. I feel that there is a story behind this poem. At the end, what are you realizing? Why are you continuing to fall? Who is this person who saved you? Inquiring minds need to know!
I look forward to learning more!
Have a great night and ... Write On!
"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I was wandering in your port and came across this delightful little poem.
I like the alliterative beginnings of each line. At first I even thought there was a specific syllable or word count within the structure of the poem, which would have made it even more of a challenge. (Perhaps you could use something like this to create a contest or challenge! - Hmmmmm...)
I look forward to finding more fun writing within your port.
Have a lovely evening!
"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I love a bit of bizarre humor and this certainly is it! It certainly is a unique outlook on the phrase "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Your name was passed on to me by "Candle Maker", so I thought I would come and see your port. I promise to look at other works too, so that I won't think that you can only write about crows and dead squirrels!
Have a great night!
~"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a very emotional poem. If it is written from personal experience, all I can say is, "Hang in there." Life goes on and it truly will get better.
I like the short and choppy lines in this piece. It accentuates the despair.
I also like the lack of punctuation at the ends of the lines. It seems to emphasize that everything is "on hold" -- waiting but without a definite end.
Lastly, I like the way you used the last stanza as a repeat of the first. It seems to be a summation of the tragic events of the day.
All in all, well done.
Write On!
--"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I can just imagine this scene! This is just Too Funny!
Web-Witch, you have turned a chaotic episode into an instant classic! Bald angel with a shining ass! Pass the rum and eggnog! Time to sing loud and off-key!
Now.... a question for you. Your bio on your port page says you live in New England. Me too! Where are you? I am near UMass-Amherst. If you aren't too far away, maybe we can meet for coffee someday!
Anyway, well done! Humor in the face of adversity is always best!
Have a great night!
"Bella Bunny"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bellabunny
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:13pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
