A really honest and emotional poem:)
The use of demotic language really worked here as it helped express your flustration.
The oxymoron "sanity's insane" helped to fully convey your confusion.
The only advice would be to broaden your vocabulary to articulate yourself further and maybe change "ya" to "you" as it is colloquial and the rest of the poem is relatively formal.
Well done & keep writing! :)
x
I really liked the metaphore throughout the piece and the describtion of the process of making the vase. It also conveys an interesting and important message which is always great to express through writing. I like the length of the piece, I think it's perfect for writing on the internet; it's short enough for the reader not to loose interest but also long enough to fully express your point. The only improvement I could make is just to expand your vocabulary in order to create an even more vivid describtion.
Keep writing x
This isn't a genre I usually read so I can't think of many improvements/critisisms as I'm unfamilar with this style of writing, however, I did enjoy reading it and overall, it's a really creative piece :)
Things I liked:
-The short sentences such as 'She pulled out her sword.' and 'It was a diary.' as they give a simple yet powerful impact, also, it keeps the reader interested as they don't have to read overly-wordy, long sentences.
-The names (especially 'Elm') I think interesting names made for interesting charactors, which, in turn, makes for an interesting piece of writing.
- The use of imagery, for example 'The dungeons underneath the War Academy were damp and poorly lit. Despite being clean enough, an unpleasant oder hung in the air. The walls, floors, and ceiling were made of stone slabs, and were arranged in a grid pattern of cell blocks. Each block contained six cells, and were connected by endless hallways' as this creates a strong image in the readers mind, therefore they can really invision the scene. Try using the 5 senses to improve your imagery even more.
Critisisms:
-I think there might be a little bit too much speech, maybe try cutting it down a bit?
-The end sentence; I think it should contain more impact, maybe a shock at the end?
-Annabel x
Great fluency and well thought out stucture. I liked the use of rhetorical questions in order to illustrate the confusion that comes with mourning and misery. Great poem :) I can't think of any critisism.
Extremely well written and interesting, I especially liked the last few sentences :) A lot of items in my portfolio are also based around insanity as well. Keep writing! :)
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