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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/belles
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2 Public Reviews Given
53 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Belles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This is a wrenching of emotion that after the first paragraph wears on the reader. It's a death bed scene, but the story may be hidden before this last moment. You have power in the scene but you ring it out, you need emotion with a dose of normal to give the reader time to catch their breath and understand what the character is going through. You tie it to a song which is nice and doesn't hurt the story. Although I don't understand the language, is it street slang, i don't have enough information to know why these characters talk this way, i don't know where they are from or have any background, you may want to use some flash back to "normal" times, to give the scene balance. Belles
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Review of Salt  Open in new Window.
Review by Belles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is powerful, and I think you get that power from using first person. I think there is good contrast between the parents personalities and the daughters. She does a lot of thinking, so you might want to be careful to have some action in real life, like lifting a pen or stabbing a notebook, to connect with the real world, you do have the connection with the phone and her thoughts that is why i scored the story as high as i did. belles
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