Glad it's fiction, but it does work. Imagine it was fun to write. Iambic tetrameter with AAAA rhyme scheme lightens what could have been a very sad, dreary tale. Have you written other poems that tell a story?
Very reminiscent of Wm Wordsworth's nature poetry. Very nice little verse. This would be a good start for a longer work that has more substance and detail. As it is, it is "nice" but really doesn't say much. Using the word "meadows" sounds poetic, but also rather 18th century.
I started reading this poem thinking it was longer than I cared to deal with, but it caught me up. I liked the story you told. Sometimes rhyming gets in the way of meaning, but for the most part you have a handle on that. Nicely done.
The poem caused me to think of an infatuation I myself experienced. In that way I liked what you said, but I wish you had formatted it in a more poetic style. Dividing up the lines would allow some parts to have more impact.
Also, it is usually more effective to show through use of metaphor or other figurative language rather than just telling. Try a rewrite and lengthen to 8-10 lines.
Keep working at it.
Since this is "intentionally awful" I will refrain from commenting on some aspects. It's a bit hard to figure out when/where the "riot" is or why it is happening. Also, why are you there alone? The questions make reading it less impactful than it might have been.
This is a fun take on the topic of poetry. However, I wish you had followed your own advice - you have the rhymes, but the rhythm is not there at all. Thus, it doesn't really read like amusing doggerel.
Maybe that is just my own feeling - that poetry should have some rhythm whether it rhymes or not, but while I like your idea, reading it left me cold. I don't know if you could edit/rewrite to let it flow in a smoother fashion, but it would be worth the try.
Nice use of imagery/metaphor. Not quite sure about the use of "hunger" in second to last line - other than it rhymes with thunder, which is what you are describing. I really liked the poem and don't feel that using All Caps on crucial words is really necessary.
Thanks for fun way to see a rainy day.
"Why" - This has several interesting points, but it lacks something to hold the stanzas together. You use some great words, but they don't really present an image or feeling. I would like more concrete details. The point of waiting and watching for someone else's approval is worthwhile and a bit sad, but I want to know if it is approval for appearance, action, thought, writing... what? Is the "embrace" physical or emotional.
Maybe the poem does work since it caused me to have so many questions. Do try a revision if my thoughts make sense to you.
Very nice. I really got the sense of sitting in traffic in warm weather.
I loved the lines "punctuated by the firefly flicker of orange warning lights" and the "flight of some ephemeral fly" the imagery is great.
I also liked your use of alliteration - monotony of motionless motoring...mantra of mumbling engines. There are other examples, but I won't copy them all here.
Hi.
I like your little story. I'm rather curious why your boss didn't want to sell gas to bikers if they were polite and paid, but I guess that isn't part of the story. I can just imagine your shock when they all pulled in. I live in SD and see streams of bikers heading to the Sturgis Rally every year.
A couple of editing notes:Line 4 - insert "I" before "could study"; Line 6 - Who drove away?Line 7 - no cap on motorcycle; Line 14 - needs a capital "T" on "they"
If you did a re-write now, I'm sure this monologue could be even better. Try reading it aloud first.
Good work.
Beth350
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