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Starfighter364's Misc. Stories
Extra stories of mine collected into one due to not having room for any more.
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Contest entry For The Writer's Cramp
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What it means to be Christian in the 21st Century
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/betsie
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17 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Nosedive No More  Open in new Window.
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your story "Nosedive No More" is delightful and engaging. Here are my thoughts:

Characters: Nosedive (Basil) is a charming protagonist whose struggles and determination are easy to root for. His friends and family add dimension and variety, each with distinct personalities, from supportive Nelly to initially dismissive Belfry.

Moral Lessons: The story conveys themes of persistence, teamwork, and the importance of family and friends. These lessons are woven organically into the narrative, making them impactful without feeling preachy.

Atmosphere: The vibrant setting of Towering Oaks, Buttenhauser's Meadow, and the story tree creates a magical atmosphere. The imagery of moonlit nights and the gathering of forest creatures enhance the whimsical tone.


Areas that could use some help:

Dialogue: Some exchanges could be more concise to maintain pacing. For example, moments where characters repeat sentiments (e.g., Nosedive’s multiple apologies) might be trimmed to keep the story moving.

Secondary Characters: While the supporting characters are fun, a bit more nuance could make them memorable. For instance, Hopper’s fear of Barnabas could be linked to a past experience to give him a bit more depth.

Scene Transitions: Some transitions, like the switch from the meadow to Nosedive’s home or the practice sessions, could be smoother. Brief descriptive sentences could ground the reader and bridge the scenes more effectively.

Consistency: A few minor inconsistencies, like whether Hopper’s injury truly bothers him, could be clarified. For example, is Hopper’s injury downplayed to show his bravery, or is it a recurring issue? Clarifying this would tighten the narrative.


Suggestions:
• Climactic Moment: When Nosedive uses the practice tree to escape Barnabas, emphasizing the suspense with sensory details (e.g., the rush of wind, the snap of the branch) would make it even more thrilling.
• Message: Grandpa Owl’s wisdom is a great framing device. Perhaps a line at the end could tie the story’s moral explicitly to Nosedive’s journey, reinforcing the lesson of perseverance.
• Belfry’s Transformation: Belfry’s shift from indifferent to supportive is heartwarming. Adding a touch of humor here, like a begrudging admission of his brother’s skill, could make his change even more impactful.

Overall Impression:

"Nosedive No More" is a fantastic story that balances humor, heart, and action. It has great potential for younger audiences who will relate to Nosedive’s struggles and cheer for his triumphs. With minor polishing, it could shine even brighter as a fun, meaningful tale of growth and friendship.


Hope this helps. This was a great read…. Thank you for sharing!!
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2
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
A Friend or Not a Friend

There’s a promising hook: the opening double murders; there’s a promising premise: the question of who killed two of the central characters, among a group of friends being questioned by a pair of detectives: that means a fair bit of suspense, a fair bit of plot, a fair bit of action; but then it all falls down: much of it is formulaic dialogue; we keep hearing each of the suspects saying the same thing to each of the detectives; so the dialogue doesn’t surprise us or hold our attention, and the repetition means we don’t feel the suspense build or the tension rising.


Pacing can be uneven. The novel spends too much time on repetitive interrogations that don’t actually seem to advance the plot. Almost every interaction between detectives and suspects follows the same structure and leads to the same result. Consider trimming these scenes or varying them slightly – highlighting moments where the case takes a new turn or a character becomes more interesting. Also, consider adding more dynamic scenes – exposition, a showdown, an unexpected revelation – to remind the reader that things are happening, that something has changed.


The characters are more stereotypical than well-developed, and each suspect is shown to behave, and respond to questions, largely the same way. It can be hard to tell them apart, or to become invested in anyone or anything over the course of the story. At times, we are told through dialogue about suspects’ backstories, and about their relationships with Steven and Diana. But often these nuggets of information are vague or ineffectively developed. Each character could benefit from more concrete details about what they want, what they feel, and what their relationships with Steven and Diana were.


There’s a slightly uninvolved feel to the tone – there’s dailogue, there’s reptition, there’s standard description, but nowhere is there a real sense of atmosphere or tension being felt. Matthew finds himself saying the utterly obvious to Sam Stratton, a phrase that rung false. A little less telling and more showing could also help.

The plot is quite simple and follows the line of the two detectives questioning one suspect at a time. However, there is no feeling of this escalating, of things developing until the ultimate conclusion, which does not come until the very last question. Each question seems to lead to the same outcome, with the suspects denying they played any part in things and offering little information. This repetitive structure somewhat wears down the mysterious and dramatic qualities, which it is very much about in this type of story. The plot could be enhanced with more twists, revelations, which lead to more questioning in the hunt for the murderer, making the story more surprising and bringing things to a climax.


Dialogue, it’s the stuff of the story, but it reads as awkward and unnatural. People often say things that are blatantly obvious or just repeat information that’s already been stated previously. This dragged down the pace and deflated the impact of what the characters were saying. Here are some practical ways try to make the dialogue in the piece better: First of all, slow down and make it sound like actual humans talking to each other – have it sound more colloquial. Vary long and short sentences in each conversation. Have one person speak in a particular way, then the other person in a different way, each reflecting their own personality and emotional state. Use subtext – have characters intimate something by saying something else, rather than simply telling someone outright what they want.


The detectives James and Kristie are the focus of our story, but, yet again, their blandness and indistinctiveness are foregrounded; their questioning style is methodical but their tone lacks the nuance or emotional intelligence that real detectives would have; their reactions to the suspects are minimal – you might expect them to be shocked by the murders that they are investigating, but they don’t give that impression. It’s possible to imagine them coming to life if we had more of an insight into their thoughts or doubts or reactions – but they seem like creatures of convention.


Conclusion: ‘A Friend or Not a Friend’ has a good premise, but was poorly executed. There are too many scenes that repeat themselves, the characters need more fleshing out, and the tension or mystery is not build very well. Try delving more into details of the detectives and the suspects who they think are involved. Have more twists and turns to the sequence of the investigation to keep readers entertained, and revise all your dialogue to make it seem more realistic and less forced.


Please take this with a grain of salt. Like I said in the begining there’s a promising hook. This just needs to be reworked. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of The Cutting Edge  Open in new Window.
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ok here you go...

Pacing and Structure: For me, the pacing is a little languid. Though the basic setup is clear, this story lingers too long, for example, on descriptions of physical characteristics and on the back and forth between Alyssa and Yuri. Trimming these sections will both quicken the pace and better keep the reader’s attention.

Dialogue and Internal Monologue: A number of the dialogue and internal musings sound stilted or overly dramatic, especially in reactions between Alyssa and the Russian, Yuri.
Phrases such as ‘His accent was distinct and heavy. His voice was slow and deliberate, yet seductive’ strike me as trying just a little too hard, and would probably have more impact if dialed back. Likewise with the internal monologues – some of the repetitions could be trimmed away to focus more on the action.

Characterization: While both Alyssa and Yuri are interesting characters, I would love to see them better fleshed out. There are hints of their back stories but more insight into who they are and where they come from, what motivates or terrifies them, would make it easier to empathize with them and their struggles.

For example, how Alyssa got to be the US champion would be interesting to learn.


Conflict and Stakes: There’s potential conflict here: between East and West, and between Alyssa and Yuri. However, neither of those potentially interesting conflicts is given substance. What are the stakes here? Making the relationship harder by forcing your characters to overcome more obstacles – or to pay a greater price for a relationship – can ramp up the drama and help keep the reader on the hook.

Show, Don’t Tell: The story dips into telling a little too much. ‘Show, don’t tell’ can be tricky, but here’s an example. Don’t tell us how Alyssa feels about Yuri’s presence with words. Show how she feels through her actions, reactions or shifts in her body language. The story would be more gripping and real for the reader.

Original: Toe loop jump, footwork, a double axel, a lutz. He was fast.
She increased her pace to keep up with him.
He nodded at her.
She followed his lead – another double axel – off the mark, she fell.
He skated right over and knelt next to her. His eyes full of concern.


Suggested: Yuri sprang into a toe loop. His muscles coiled like springs as he spun gracefully through the air, landing with a sharp precision that sent a whispering sound across the ice. His feet then moved with lightning speed, slicing intricate patterns in the ice as he executed flawless footwork. With barely a pause, he propelled himself into a double axel, his form a perfect arc in the air before descending with a crisp, clean landing. Not missing a beat, he powered into a lutz, his takeoff strong and confident, carving a deep edge into the ice as he soared. His movements were swift and fluid, each transition seamless.

Alyssa, determined not to fall behind, quickened her pace. She mirrored his motion, but her timing was slightly off. Her balance wavered as she launched into the jump, and she came down hard on the ice and fell.

Yuri was by her side in an instant. He skated over fluidly, dropping to one knee beside her. His eyes, usually so focused and intense, were now soft with concern, scanning her face for any sign of pain. He extended a hand, his touch gentle yet firm, silently asking if she was okay.

*** This description emphasizes the fluidity, power, and precision of the movements while also capturing the competitive yet respectful dynamic between the two skaters. ***


Conlusion: "The Cutting Edge" has the potential to be an engaging romantic drama set against the exciting backdrop of the Olympics. With some adjustments to pacing, character development, and conflict, the story can be even more captivating. By focusing on showing rather than telling and tightening the narrative, the story can better draw readers into Alyssa and Yuri's world, making their journey more compelling and emotionally resonant.

Hope this helps. Happy writing!




Toe loop jump, footwork, a double axel, a lutz. He was fast.
She increased her pace to keep up with him. He nodded at her. She followed his lead – another double axel – off the mark, she fell.
He skated right over and knelt next to her. His eyes full of concern.
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Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The Monster Inside The Bottle."

What needs work…..

Clarity and Focus: This chapter does well at capturing the main character’s emotions, but there is room for improvement in the careful focus of the narrative. I have noticed several instances of wandering, such as not differentiating between past and present actions. Some transitions between scenes are abrupt. More precise signals between periods can help the flow.


Grammar and Sentence Structure: Overall, the writing is sound. There are just a few grammatical errors and clumsy sentences that the writer should fine-tune.

Original: “But Grandpa’s arrival was enough to straighten me up, and I nodded to let Dad know I heard him.”

Suggested for clarity: ‘Just the mere thought of Grandpa coming pretty much straightened me up, and I nodded to let Dad know I heard him.

Be wary of run-ons, and use punctuation to drive and relax the pace like music.


Repetition: Specific themes and ideas are repeated multiple times, making the narrative slightly redundant. For example, the protagonist’s anger at his father and the idea that his mother wouldn’t have just left them are reiterated several times. Streamlining these repetitions could tighten the narrative and keep the reader more engaged.


Father’s Emotional Arc: Ultimately, his breakdown is powerful in itself. Still, in isolation from the rest of the chapter, it is more of a grand gesture than a truly integrated part of the process. His character would be richer if we had more subtle signals of vulnerability earlier on so that the big explosion of emotion seems both explosive and earned, the inevitable but wholly extraordinary conclusion of the character arc that has preceded it. And the arc of the chapter itself would be enhanced if there had been a richer sense of threat building up beforehand. This would make the chapter's climax feel more powerful and more convincing.


Overuse of Internal Monologue: And his inner monologue is convincing but eventually becomes distracting. I often wished for more ‘showing’ and less ‘telling.’

For Example, Ghosh you tells us several times that this protagonist really, really hates his Dad, sometimes in-depth and sometimes on the margins.

A lot of these family origins are touched on and told, but I would have loved it if we had a few more vignettes to evoke the hateful memories between father and son; it is the subtle details that strongly suggest a shared resentment that can speak volumes, where sheer narrative pops open the boxing one’s mouth and shouts instead.


Physical Descriptions: The chapter would benefit from a greater description of the physical world, bringing a little more of it into the foreground. The emotional landscape is fascinatingly well-drawn and well-traversed, but the physical-world setting and actions deserve more visual and visceral details: What does the room smell like? How do the father’s hands feel? What does the grandfather’s cane tap on the floor? This would, in turn, ground the reader and deepen the emotional impact.


Resolution and Closure: The chapter ends with the protagonist deciding to take on the caretaker role for his father, which is a significant and poignant moment. However, the resolution feels somewhat rushed. It might benefit from more exploration of the protagonist’s internal decision-making process and how he reconciles his anger with this newfound responsibility.


Conclusion: I found the chapter emotionally affecting, well-characterized, and compelling in dealing with complex issues of addiction, loss, and family. It would be better with sharper clarity and momentum and more showing than telling, but the meat is well-marbled. With some tinkering, this story could be affecting for many readers.

Hope this helps, happy writing!
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5
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Core of a dying star: The quest for the Core and the dynamics between Brenda and Hadeon are compelling. The tension between the two characters adds an engaging layer of conflict.

Below are areas that need work and some suggestions to help….


Clarity of World-Building: Although the novel's setting is interesting, some aspects are added without justification, which can perplex readers. For instance, Brenda and Hadeon's need for the Core and the reasons behind it are not entirely understood.

Original: Brenda's life had centered on the Core. Said to regulate the very fabric of human existence, the ancient relic was more than simply a weapon; it was a key to ultimate power. It was the reason her parents had passed away and the reason she had given every waking second to this search her whole life.

Suggestion: Talk more about the Core's early relevance and background. Though you don't have to divulge everything, suggesting why the Core is vital to the world and the people will allow the reader to root for them.



Character Motivation: Brenda is in a difficult situation, yet she also comes across as passive and heavily depends on Hadeon for direction. This may give the impression that she is following the plot's lead rather than taking the initiative as the heroine.

Suggestion: Brenda should be given more autonomy by making more independent decisions, even if they result in errors. As a result, she may become a more exciting and dynamic figure.

Example: Brenda may have spent time trying to decode hints or search for other materials instead of asking Hadeon for directions, only coming to him as a last resort.



Internal Consistency: Though Hadeon's persona is shown as old and strong, her decision-making looks contradictory. She offers Brenda a third chance despite her apparent mistrust, which would seem dubious without a more compelling justification.

Suggestion: Hadeon should strengthen her justification for giving Brenda another chance. Maybe Brenda has potential or something special about her that Hadeon needs, which would enhance their connection.

Example: For instance, Hadeon paused, her elderly eyes narrow as she examined Brenda. She was drawn to something in this human—a persistence, a spark. Maybe Brenda was more than just another mortal because of that spark—that defiance of impossible odds. Perhaps this explained why she hadn't crushed Brenda underfoot like many others.



Dialogue: Sometimes, the dialogue feels a bit forced or overly dramatic.

Original: “This. Is. Her. Last. Chance.”

…. Simplify the dialogue to maintain intensity without feeling forced.

Suggested: “This is it,” Brenda whispered to herself. “My last chance.”


Original - Hadeon: “You asked for another chance, but you still don’t know where the Core is?”

… Her dialogue should sound ancient and ageless, like an ice planet billions of years old.

Suggested: “You beg for a rematch! And yet you blunder about waywardly, blind to the Core’s location.



Pacing: The internal monologue of Brenda thinking, thinking, thinking over and over about her last chance: (How much of this could be cut and simplified without losing pacing?) Condense and streamline the internal thoughts to create quicker movement.

Original: There is no next chance. If she fails, Hadeon will never forgive her. She has to get the Core. The sword has to be found. She will not mess up. Or else. This. Is. Her. Last. Chance.

Suggested: There was nothing after that chance. If she failed, she lost it all. She had to find the Core.



Character: Brenda’s desperation is well-rendered but could be brought out more through complexity. Try showing her inner dilemma more fully – maybe reflecting on her previous failures or what her parents possibly gave up.

Original: The night seemed to close in around Brenda and set in her chest. This was her life’s work. She needed another chance. “It’s the reason my parents died. They sacrificed themselves for this one thing.”

Suggested: Brenda flexed her fingers; her nails dug into her palms. She remembered her parents, what they had given up, what they had died for. It was too late for them. She couldn’t lose – not again. She wasn’t fighting for herself; she was fighting for them, their memory, their life.

…. I’d appreciate some depth in Hadeon, too. She might have motives other or more complicated than her desire for the Core. A further complication for Hadeon is a hint of her conflict about controlling humans.

Original: Hadeon was an immortal, the only one in human history. She was never born, and she never grew up. She was always just there. Many have tried to kill her, burn her, and throw her ashes away. But she did not let them. That’s why she needed the Core. The Core let the owner control humans, and that was what she needed. That is what her whole life has been about. The Core. Hadeon did not think of herself as a bad person. She would not control their whole lives, just control some choices that they make. The humans were the ones killing the plants, the animals, and the world….

Suggested: Hadeon looked at Brenda. She had a moment of doubt thought. Even after all this time, watching mankind destroy itself millennium after millennium, ever since the first DNA strand, it was hard not to think like this sometimes. If we’re guiding them, she considered how that differs from controlling them.



Consistency: The tension starts high at the start of the chapter but then completely drops off when Brenda leaves. I think it would be more effective to have constant tension, even during the quiet moments.

Original: She found a slab of cold stone and collapsed onto it.

…. Maintain tension by keeping Brenda’s thoughts focused on the immediate danger or her plan.

Suggested: Collapsing on the stone, Brenda couldn’t waste a second. The longer she lingered, the greater the chance of failure – ‘I have to move, could plan, act, it is a must.’



Repetition: You repeat yourself in a few places, which is not necessarily significant and could be tightened.

Original: “This is her last chance” is used multiple times: “This. Is. Her. Last. Chance.”

… Reduce repetition by varying how this idea is conveyed.

Suggested: There was nothing to watch. Brenda felt the finality of failure. Any error was the end – a matter of life and death. The end of the line was here.



Transitions: Some scene transitions, like moving from Brenda’s thoughts to Hadeon’s, could be smoother. Consider using more precise cues or integrating the transitions more fluidly into the narrative.
Original: Brenda was done fighting the urge to sleep, instead welcoming it. Sleep came over her and she drifted into darkness.
Hadeon checked on Brenda through her silver orb and was disappointed to find her sleeping. Of all the things she could do to find the orb, this is what she chose? Couldn’t Brenda be doing something more useful towards finding the Core?

… Use a smoother transition that ties the scenes together.

Suggested: Brenda’s eyes fluttered shut – she’d only made it halfway through her inventory. Across the city, Hadeon’s silver orb flickered into life, casting a warm glow over the sleeping girl. The goddess sighed in disappointment: this human had already squandered most of her allotted time for the day.



Show, Don’t Tell: When emotions and behaviors are stated rather than exhibited, the writing may sometimes seem less enjoyable in the story.

Suggestion: Focus on presenting through actions, conversation, and sensory elements instead of only letting the reader know what a character feels or does.

Original: "Brenda's heart raced as she repeated the phrase in her mind."

Suggestion: Brenda gasped, her pulse pounding in her ears. Every stride was a desperate whisper, her heart thumping in time with "last chance."



Minor Logical Inconsistencies: Given Hadeon's immortality, some behaviors seem strange, like choosing to sleep only while Brenda sleeps.

Suggestion: Review if these actions are required for the story or offer a rational justification to help resolve these contradictions.

Example: Hades felt the weight of millennia bearing on her even though she was immortal and above the need for sleep. She let herself enjoy the luxury of a little break, not out of need but from a mounting tiredness that even immortality couldn't seem to alleviate.



Tension in the Climax: Brenda's discovery of the sword with the Core marks a turning point, although it's resolved very fast, which can weaken the suspense.

Suggestion: Extend the scenario to create increasing suspense. Brenda might have trouble reaching the sword or be uncertain whether she has succeeded, making the return more fulfilling.

Example: Brenda reached out, and her palm shook as it floated over the brilliant cascade. Suppose this were not the Core? Should she fail once more, what then? Her uncertainties hung about her, delaying her motions until, at last, she dropped her palm into the sea. There was nothing for a heartbeat. Then the blade blasted into her hand, the Core buried inside as if the universe held its breath. She was inundated in equal measure with relief and horror.


Conclusion: The chapter establishes an exciting story with high stakes and a mysterious, dark world. It could become even more engaging with some refinement in dialogue, pacing, and character development. Focusing on maintaining tension and avoiding repetition will help keep readers hooked throughout the chapter.

Well, I hope this helps. Remember, these are suggestions; use what you want and throw away the rest. Happy writing!
6
6
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Pacing: This is a long and very dense chapter. Some scenes, especially the internal monologue aspects, should either be sped up or split up to keep the reader interested. For instance, Luka’s inner thoughts and feelings are repeated over and over, which might slow the story down.

Original: “The wind weaves through the frost-blanketed pines and wanders past my hoodie. Shivering, I run the whole way to my school, Evergreen Academy. It’s the one place that even pretends to be kind to me; though, it’s kind of like when your friend attempts something, fails miserably, but you say good job because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. My school is like that. It should get an A-for-effort-attempt-at-school medal. But what would I know? How could I dare to imagine true friendship when I’ve never had anything like it?”

Suggested: “Cold. Shivering. I ran there, but only Evergreen Academy is more than a façade where proper adults pretend to like children. How can I dream of friendship when I’ve never known it?”

** While the first draft clearly recounts events leading to his situation, it’s verbose and arguably redundant – the reworked version tightens the storyline without diverting attention from Luka’s solitude.


Relationships: Though, understandably, his relationship with his mother and sister isn’t great, the way the dynamics are presented could be a little more precise. For example, Luka’s relationship with his sister Sofie seemed overdrawn to me, which made it difficult to feel completely empathetic towards him.

Original: Sofie’s toothy grin. “Ha-ha! Your face! Priceless! What did Mother say to you? She told me that my hair was just gorgeous today! And look! A new thousand-dollar watch. She’s planning on getting me a new room to store my thousand-dollar watches! Heck, she even gave me some romantic advice."

Suggested: Sofie’s grin is all teeth. “Did you hear, Luka? Mom went shopping today to buy me a new watch—a thousand dollars! And you know what she said to me?” She said, “Looking good, honey. Better than you. Is there any wonder you’re not her favorite?”

** The dialogue in the original is a little hard to take seriously, making Sofie seem comically spiteful; the revised version maintains her hostility but more genuinely and humanely, pointing out the sibling rivalry without laying it on too thick.



Tone: It swings from sarcasm to outright sadness, and while that captures something of Luka’s conflicted state, it can also feel jarring. A little subtler shift across those poles might help keep the reader on board.

Original: "You do know that only idiots would blush at girls like you, don’t you?” I add, just to rub salt on the wound.

Suggested: “Why would anyone blush at you?” —With quite a burn at the end as I deflect the hurt.

** The snippy original lacks the vulnerable self-awareness that he shows in the rest of the chapter, and yet, stripped of the defensiveness, the revision is closer to his mixed feelings of hurt paired with bravado.


Believability: The involvement of the sinister ‘Nightshade’ throws in a vaguely supernatural note—or indeed a thriller element—and is interesting, but switching from the action as described so far might strike some readers as a bit of a left turn. A little more foreshadowing could help.

Original: Three bold words appear on my screen, streaked across in lurid green. I SEE YOU.

Suggested: Three words blaze in capital letters on the screen: I SEE YOU. My pulse leaps. This is no joke. This is real. Real and disastrous.

** The original ‘streaked across in lurid green’ seems a little over-the-top and distracting. As viewed through Luka’s eyes, the revised version grounds the scene and makes the cryptic message more sinister and lifelike.


Metaphors: While metaphors can enrich, they can sometimes feel strained or overused. Compare the metaphor of weeds growing in a garden of snakes in a particularly moving articulation of Luka’s states with something as lighthearted as the potato drawing, which might feel out of place or too fanciful for the mood of his grief.

Original: She turns her sketchbook to show a perfectly shaded potato with an evil V wrinkle on its forehead, two button eyes, and a pathetic arch frown.

Suggested: She holds up her drawing: a lopsided blubbery face, an exaggerated cartoon of me – a childish insult but effective in the most embarrassing way.

** While the potato drawing remains a metaphor, its silliness might jar against the darker tone of Luka’s struggles in the chapter. The revised version keeps in the emotional core while purging the distracting silliness, which would feel more coherent with the chapter's otherwise dark theme.


Conclusion: This chapter is strong and has great potential, particularly its emotional depth and character voice. With some minor adjustments in pacing and character interactions, it could reach a higher level of impact.

Hope this helps, thank you for sharing and writing!
7
7
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Just some thoughts, take it with a grain of salt.

2nd paragraph - Thunder rattled above; flashes of lightning briefly lighting the darkness. – I would rather : Rumbles followed by flashes of lightning lit darkness.

She stood her ground holding her head high; arms outstretched as she embraced the elements. – again:
Rooted, she held her head high and welcomed the elements with outstretched arms.

“What is your name woman? And how did become to be marooned on this island?” he asked carefully watching her reaction. – Captain speaks clear in first sentence then chopped in the second?
My thought: How are you marooned on this island?” he asked waiting for her reaction.

Maeyon reached for the sandals putting them when there was a knock on her cabin door. – putting the sandals where? It’s like two sentences pieced together. Quite a few of these floating around.

Some sentences are too long, making it harder to read – stalls the flow


So overall slightly difficult read but a good story - just need to scan back through and fix things.
8
8
Review of Tried & True  Open in new Window.
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
here since your father and I married almost sixty years ago"
We lived and loved and fought and found joy for nearly fifty years before God called him home. --- so is it almost 60 or nearly 50?

Wow, great story!
9
9
Review of Lady of The House  Open in new Window.
Review by betsie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can relate to this entirely as I have rescued injured pets. The poem is sad yet inspiring.

Very nice, thank you for sharing
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