A first rate take on the idea of good and evil placing bets on the nature of mankind. Although I've seen the theme used before, this story works very well and is written in a clear, enjoyable style that pulls one into it form the very first word. Despite it's short form it fires the imagination beautifully. Well written.
Overall, very good.
A lot of the sentences start the same way though, with "She..."
since some of them also deal with similar things (ie a series of remembered events/feelings, in may be worth starting the sentences on new lines when they start the same way, for example;-
"She remembered it clearly and she hadn’t thought of it in sometime.
"She remembered the salty tears streaming from her face.
"She remembered the ground swirling below her."
and so on.
Also in this sentence;-
"While she was as happy as she could ever remember being, a unease stirred in her stomach." You don't need the "a" before "unease", but if you want to use it, it should be "an" rather than "a".
More importantly though, the story is very good, the reader can empathize with the character, and the story is clear but engaging. Good work, just needs a tiny bit of polish to be very good.
A well written short story, Jayne Regan really understands how to capture the sense of isolation and fear her character is experiencing and how to convey that to the reader. I felt my heart rate increasing in all the right places and was able to put myself in the characters shoes.
If I have any criticism at all it is that I think the information the character gets form the police seems a little flat as presented, and might work better as dialogue. That is a small matter though in an otherwise excellent piece of work.
On the whole I rather enjoyed this story, the writing style suggests it was perhaps aimed at young adults, and the material, whilst of a supernatural element is suitably written that it would not overly frighten children but would fire their imaginations.
There are a couple of instances where the dialogue doesn't ring entirely true, occurring when the girls are recounting recent scares and looking back over what has just happened. They come across as more analytically and detached than frighted by the experience. That said, in other parts the dialogue flows very naturally indeed.
There is a point near the end where the story unaccountably goes form 3rd person to 1st then back to 3rd again in the space of a few lines, which really stood out and was jarring.
Other than that though, this is an oddly charming little ghost story with amiable and likable characters that the reader can't help but like and despite not being as dark as my usual preference for ghost stories, I found I liked it and would happily visit Jeannie S's work again.
The Fun House is a chilling ale of teenage misadventure in a distinctly unsettling environment - a derelict fun house (as the name suggests). As a child I was addicted to these places, and yet was strangely terrified of them at the same time, and the author captures this dichotomy perfectly.
The characterizations are convincing and the writing compelling, even though you suspect from the outset where the story is going you are carried along for the ride gleeful. There are a few moments in the writing where the reader genuinely feels a chill as he or she reads the story, sue in no small part to the authors excellent grasp of certain innate fears common to most of us.
What is more the reader is able to empathize with the feelings and indecision of he main character.
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