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170 Public Reviews Given
728 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello. I think this is a wonderful, descriptive writing which an artist could paint a picture of. It's great. You could even keep this as is and then write another version in poem form, or more flowery prose, or you could have the start of a short story, it doesn't even have to be about your sister, you could do something else with it if you wanted to. It left me wondering about the character you are describing (your sister) and why this particular moment touched you so much that you wanted to write about it.

Write on.
Peace2012
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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi! This is an excellent article. It has just the right mixture of facts and emotion to trigger a readers curiosity. I am mostly a poet, but from what I can see there are no grammatical errors. I also agree with the message. I find that creative people are usually people who do their own research and draw their own conclusions.

On a personal level, I have been involved with various political campaigns and protests, and have found the mainstream media to be a terrible source for pertinent and truthful information regarding a variety of issues.

My only suggestion would be to add a couple of outside links to other information regarding the Earth's water supply. But, you may not want to do this if you are entering a contest, or looking for more ratings and reviews, as people may not come back to review your item. But, if that's all said and done, i think it would help your cause.

Also, saying "this may not be the climax you were looking for" in the last paragraph...isn't the climax a little before the end of a story? Idk, like I said, I'm mainly a poet, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

Write on,
Lynn
Peace2012
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Review of Daybreak poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again with this poem you have shown how a sincere thought can almost write itself on a page. You have your own style. I hope to see more of your work.
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Review of HEAVEN  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your style pixie. You come across with such sincerity in your work! You bring out emotion without using really emotional words. The way you've spaced the lines is awesome too. Write on!!

Peace2012
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Review of Freedom of Verse  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi. I like the idea behind your poem, even though you say it has no meaning, it does. My suggestion would be to tighten the poem up a little bit so it's not so wordy. The meaning will be easier to find that way, jmo.

For example, the first and second stanza could be:

Verse unfolds stories untold,
caring for what's rare...
patterns intertwined with destiny,
a foreign tongue we spoke as children
bringing us closer.
I WANT to be serene!

That would make it even more free verse and also more abstract

Write on,
Lynn


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Review of Faith on Water  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi *Smile*

Welcome to writing.com!

I read that you are new to writing and thought I'd give you a simple review of your poem. Remember, it's just my opinion, it is your creation *Smile*

I like the message that it's sending and the philosophy you worked into it. My suggestions would be to stay away from phrases that others have already used (cliches) like "forest for the trees" and "life is funny". Try to say the same thing in your own words. Try to stay away from being so direct about what you think and try to lead others to your point of view.

For example, these stanzas could be broken down into key words:

When we think of faith, we picture some large-scale
Off-the-chart event, some earth-shattering,
Mountain-moving experience, instead of being
The size of a mustard seed

And where we look for faith is funny too
We look for it in the clouds and in the cosmos
In wherever we perceive Heaven being located
When it’s so much more simplified than that


could be something like:

Heaven's perceived -
a mustard seed in a cloud
allowing us to experience
faith simplified...
in the cosmos we seek.



Lynn



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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, I love this poem...it's purrrrfect! We just got a little kitten too. Unfortunately, our other cat isn't being very friendly. Hopefully that will change.

You described a new kitten very well, I especially liked when you described it doing backflips. It's a wonderful poem for children or anyone who likes animals, especially kittens *Smile*

Lynn
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Review of For Selam  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering your poem in my contest "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

I think the evolution of hominids is fascinating. Before I stopped going to college to raise my kids, I was going for a degree in Anthropology. I thought it would be so exciting to discover new things.

But enough about me...lol. Your poem was excellent. It captured not only the discovery of this 'missing link' but the questions that come along with it. These lines sum it up the best, imho:

"Simian child, will you speak to us?
Flesh of the sun and flesh of the sky,
shake off your Ethiopian dust!
Tell us where we are going, and why."

The only thing that threw me off was the last line, "Can we inhabit true peace at last?"

I can understand the concept of peace as far as contentment with the new knowledge we have, but it reminded me of 'world peace' for some reason, like the discovery could make peace in the world.

Lynn

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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced soon.

What a gorgeous image you've created with your words. I could picture the sky. What a wonderful way to describe it!

Lynn
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Review of Nature's Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced soon!

I like the way you are thinking outside of the box, I've never read an analogy like this before...where the leaves "dance through a society of trees". It's very original. Great job *Smile*

Lynn
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Review of Wind Chime Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced soon.

I think this a sweet story. I'm imagining a little boy somewhere in Brooklyn sitting on a stoop. It is funny how little things; like a sound, can cheer us up!

Lynn
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Review of Maple Leaves  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced soon.

This is short and sweet! I've been reading a lot about Canada and this poem is perfect.

Lynn
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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Big Mike 2humble2bragbut... Author IconMail Icon

This is a beautiful tribute to your wife. I hope it is hanging up somewhere in your home, framed and next to some family photos. This poem speaks of true love, something you and your wife have found together that will no doubt last forever.

You must be such a lovely couple *Heart*

I didn't notice any spelling errors or anything like that, it's perfect.

Lynn
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Review of Autumn of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Big Mike 2humble2bragbut... Author IconMail Icon

I think this poem is my most favorite in your collection. I like the circular aspect you've created, merging the changing of the seasons with the spiritual idea of no beginning and no end. Very clever. Usually, the poems I read about 'autumn' describe it as the beginning of the end.

The last line, "We should believe in the coming of spring!" is an excellent way to end this piece because it makes the reader think and want to read your poem again.

Here are some minor suggestions, if you don't mind:

* Unless you are trying to personify the seasons, they don't need to be capitalized.

* To make it a bit more eloquent, try taking out the words you don't absolutely need.

For example:

"Water doesn't die - it just freezes in its place,
Waiting for the next phase.
Grass doesn't die in winter; it just lays dormant in its white grave,
Awaiting the ressurrection of Spring.
Winter is not the death of all.

Winter is a time of waiting,"

Could be:

Water doesn't die - it freezes in place,
waiting for its next phase.
Grass doesn't die - it lays dormant
in its white grave,
awaiting spring's ressurrection.

Winter is not the death of all,
it's a time of waiting.

* Also, think about using less 'the' words.

Example:

"Fall is the preparation.
In the Autumn of the world, trees prepare for the Spring.
They are happy to shed their old, looking forward to the new."

Could be something like:

Fall is for preparation.
In the Autumn of the world,
trees prepare for spring
happy to shed their old,
looking forward to the new.

Write on!

Lynn





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Review of The First Year  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello *Smile*

I saw that you were looking for reviews of your story and thought I'd offer some suggestions.

It is always good to start of a story with an intriguing line. For example, in your story, you could start it with something like - Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day.

In many sections of your story, you have short sentences with repeating words. Try combining them and adding more descriptive words, it will read much smoother.

Let's go over this first paragraph:

It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment.

Cut down the number of words you're using and/or add more describing words. Something like this:

Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day. It was the first morning of (8th grade?) English class and her stern-faced teacher had already given them an assignment!

She was no normal teacher.

You don't want to tell the reader she wasn't "normal", you want them to figure that out on their own.

For example, you could say: It was unusual and made her nervous.

This line is too wordy and confusing:

"Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class."

Try something like:

"You're all going to introduce a fellow student to the rest of the class," said Mrs. So and So, looking around the bare-walled room.

The girl looked up.
"Oh great" she thought.


Try combining these and use italics for thoughts:

Oh great, thought the girl as she looked up to the peeling white ceiling.

"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.

"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.


Don't use so many "and" words when you don't have to. When someone is the speaker, the comma goes first, then the quotation mark at the end of the statement.

Example:

"I have your names on slips of paper. I'm going to draw two of them and you'll interview each other."

Grace rolled her eyes.

"Grace Trevensa," the teacher called. "And, Jack Scuvinsky."

Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?, Grace thought. Reluctantly, she walked over to the table where Jack was sitting.


The following paragraph starts almost every sentence with "she". It isn't necessary. Just combine them

Tuesday was a fairly uneventful day. She went through classes as usual. She got back to her room and started working on that dreaded math homework. She of course got herself side tracked. She decided to e-mail Kyle. She was going to be comfortable hanging out with him somehow. She figured the only way to do it was to actually make an attempt to do so. She e-mailed him and asked him if he wanted to take a walk with her after Praise the next night.

For example, you could say:

Tuesday was a fairly uneventful day. After classes, she went back to her room and started to do her math homework as usual, but thoughts of Kyle sidetracked her. She sent him an email asking if he'd take a walk with her the next night when Praise ended, hoping it would make hanging out together a more comfortable occasion.

Okay, so all together these are your original paragraphs:

It was the first day of classes. She sat down in her English class. The teacher stood up and introduced herself and then dove right into the first assignment. She was no normal teacher. "Class, the first assignment is going to be a speech whereby you introduce another member of the class to the rest of the class." The girl looked up.

"Oh great" she thought.

"I have your names on slips of paper and I'm going to draw two and the two that I draw will interview eachother." The girl rolled her eyes. "Grace Trevensa." The teacher called. It was her name. "And, Jack Scuvinsky" Grace turned and saw Jack.

"Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?" Grace thought. Grace got up and walked over to the table where Jack sat.


This is my example for improvement:

Grace knew it wasn't going to be an ordinary day. It was the first morning of (8th grade?) English class and her stern-faced teacher had already given them an assignment! It was unusual and made her nervous.

"You're all going to introduce a fellow student to the rest of the class," said Mrs. So and So, looking around the bare-walled room.

Oh great, thought the girl as she looked up to the peeling white ceiling.

"I have your names on slips of paper. I'm going to draw two of them and you'll interview each other."

Grace rolled her eyes.

"Grace Trevensa," the teacher called. "And, Jack Scuvinsky."

Why couldn't she have picked Jenny?, Grace thought. Reluctantly, she walked over to the table where Jack was sitting.

Okay, well I hope that is what you were looking for. Have fun with your story and write on!

Lynn


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Review of Scribbled Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, what a beautiful poem! It's really precious, a keeper *Heart* I just wanted to give you a couple of quick suggestions regarding two typos that I spotted:

"mathematics" is spelled wrong (you need the 'e')

Also, there is an extra comma space between "scribbled" and "forever"

The poem itself is perfect *Smile*

Lynn
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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

Rhyme and Rhythm:

Wonderful!

Emotional Impact:

You did an excellent job. The line "stills smells your stench" was a very good one that led to the "malodourous pain".

Grammar and Typos:

None noticed *Wink*

Subject Matter:

A person who is trying to forget...

Overall Opinion:

Great job!

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

Rhyme and Rhythm:

I think it was a little off in some places, but still an enjoyable poem.

Emotional Impact:

Such a deep subject matter at the end...very deep. Scary.

Grammar and Typos:

You don't need a new sentence between the 2nd and third lines *Wink*

Subject Matter:

Again, such a dramatic life and death question at the end. I wasn't expecting it at all.

Overall Opinion:

Nice work. Keep on writin' on!

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

Rhyme and Rhythm:

Excellent, just perfect *Smile*

Emotional Impact:

It was a sad story poem, sort of haunting. It made me think of all the soldiers who have died for our country.

Grammar and Typos:

None spotted *Wink*

Subject Matter:

I love the way you used the prompt *Heart* they way you meshed the psychological drums, the war drums, the marching drums, all kinds of drums...was fabulous!

Overall Opinion:

Great poem!

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review of The Turtle  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey there *Smile*

I enjoyed you poem very much, it is a funny one, but it also got me thinking about perceptions of who we think we are and who others think we are. I also think it would be a great children's poem if you changed up the last line.

From a personal point of view, I'd lose the bold - jmo. Write on!

Lynn

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Review of Sweet Peggy Lee  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly!

Just a few of my thoughts...

Emotional Impact:

It was very sweet! I think children would adore it.

Grammar and Typos:

None noticed.

Subject Matter:

Well, at first I thought that it couldn't have been a real dream. But then I read it again and it was too bizarre not to have been a real dream...lol

Overall Opinion:

Excellent. You have a wonderful way with words.

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly!

Just a few of my thoughts...

Emotional Impact:

I don't believe this was meant to be an overly emotional piece, except to show the confusion that was going on in your dream. You did a great job explaining how one scene led to another.

Grammar and Typos:

I didn't notice anything...I kind of like how you used a lot of commas to describe what was going on. It added a nice style and writing about a dream is a bit different than writing a story

Subject Matter:

It was an interesting dream. I think I would remember one like that too!

Overall Opinion:

Nice work, I hope someday you'll understand more clearly what the dream was really about *Smile*

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review of Drops of Vinegar  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

I have noticed that many people are giving reviews by using a 'form'. I'm going to try my hand at that as well, but it may be slightly different than usual. This is just my personal opinion and of course other people may have a different viewpoint:

Rhyme and Rhythm:

Excellent.

Emotional Impact:

Wow, this was very powerful. Your words were perfect.

Grammar and Typos:

I think that you don't need a new sentence afters the word 'wounds'. A comma would make more sense. Also, I don't know that you need ellipses both before and after the word 'nothing'.

Subject Matter:

Harsh words are always a great theme.

Overall Opinion:

Excellent piece.

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review of Then--And Now  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

I have noticed that many people are giving reviews by using a 'form'. I'm going to try my hand at that as well, but it may be slightly different than usual. This is just my personal opinion and of course other people may have a different viewpoint:

Rhyme and Rhythm:

Excellent.

Emotional Impact:

Short and swwet. It packed a punch. I wondered what was happening "now". Going to college, maybe someone died? Someone was leaving or had left and that made me sad.

It was a very moving piece.

Grammar and Typos:

None noticed.

Subject Matter:

Very imaginative way to use the empty boxes prompt...I liked the then and now idea.

Overall Opinion:

Great job.

Sincerely,
Lynn

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Review of River of Dirt  Open in new Window.
Review by Lynn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering my contest, "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Winners will be announced shortly and I hope you'll also enter the next round which will begin asap *Smile*

I have noticed that many people are giving reviews by using a 'form'. I'm going to try my hand at that as well, but it may be slightly different than usual. This is just my personal opinion and of course other people may have a different viewpoint:

Rhyme and Rhythm:

I got a little lost while reading your story, it was a good story but I think in some areas it may have been easier to read if you stuck to just dialouge.

Emotional Impact:

It was mysterious.

Grammar and Typos:

I noticed a few places where commas should have been. Also in the first sentence, 'that' doesn't need to be capitalized.

Subject Matter:

I thought you came up with a good supernatural theme.

Overall Opinion:

Nice job, maybe it needs just a little polishing up *Smile*

Sincerely,
Lynn

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