That sounds like a very interesting proposal! The idea behind this is truly a wonderful concept, with which I agree very much. Short stories should definitely be appreciated far more than most today give them credit for, and quite a few do have movie potential, even if it is a short film. I love reading and watching movies, as I am an advocate for being able to see the characters as the author intended. I wish you luck with your endeavors of finding some truly remarkable stories!
Truly a great piece! I enjoyed being enthralled by the emotions displayed by this character, his pessimism billowing out of his speech like dark clouds. A character that has felt the sting of betrayal and emotionally could not recover. The dark twist of emotions is almost enough to lose oneself in. I loved the switch between reality and memory, as he relives each moment. I particularly enjoyed the lines "Her nostrils flare in pig-like elegance" and "she mumbled through disbelieving eyes". One thing I would add would be to change a few of the sentences that seem a little too straightforward (such as "He has glasses.") to something that possibly delves into the character a little more (such as "he wiped his glasses clean with his cloth habitually, as he always has done when he gets nervous"). I always think the key to a good story is good characters, and even the supporting characters should be developed at least slightly. For instance, I knew almost nothing of Bill, I know he has glasses and a wife, and two kids. When I look at Jim however, I see a lot more character development, I see my definition of a sleezeball, an easily detestable antagonist, I can picture his obesity and the overpowering scent rolling off of him. If you want your story to feel more complete, I would try developing the side characters just a little more, as it really sucks people in and gets to know these people as the protagonist knows these people.
This was actually a wonderful little exercise! It really forces you to think outside the box, and does a wonderful job of alleviating the dreaded 'Writer's Block' that is so notoriously difficult to abscond from. I also enjoyed reading the entire story afterward, and the humorous joining of some sets of words put a smile on my face. I cannot wait to see what else is posted.
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