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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/billy140770
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35 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
HI

Good flash fiction piece.

I have one problem with reading it,that started in paragraph 3 and it involves the positioning of the characters and the chamber. Where is the chamber?

Is the room you are in right now the chamber and where did they come from? Was it the large door?

I am trying to position everyone in your flash fiction. There is a large room with a large wooden door and 12 smaller metal doors and twelve men in front of them.

Then 24 men entered the hall. DId they all enter at the same time, or in rows of pairs. I am assuming the stretcher was between them which threw me because when I first read pairs, I assumed that they were walking together.

Now we are in the white chambers. Here you have white stone benches. Did the man at the front of the chamber enter it to place the front of the stretcher onto the stone bench?

How high is the stone bench? Waist or knee height is going to make a difference. Does the first man, once he has placed the front of the stretcher onto the stone bench walk to the back and him and his partner slide the stretchers in at the same time?

Later, you state the men exit the chamber? If both men walked into the chamber, why do you need to slide the stretchers into the white chamber when you could carry them in?

Its all to do with positioning. When I was reading this, I tried to position the rooms (or chambers) and where each character was in the room and they seem to be out of position.

You also describe the pairs of men from the ground up, starting with their shoes, pants and then dress. Was there a reason for the ground up perspective?

WIlliam


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Review of Dr. Ruth  Open in new Window.
Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi.

In your review request, you asked if it was understandable so I will look at it from that point of view. As with any review, you can change if you agree, I am just giving an opinion. There are some parts I am not sure about so, check them out if you agree.

In the second paragraph, you wrote that he was glad he used a pencil rather than a pen. Is there a reason for that?

In the forth paragraph, it looks like he is talking to himself in the third person when you wrote .... his expectation that Rich call him..... That may be what you want, I'm not sure. I think you may want this but look at it to make sure.

Paragraph 8, line 4 is thoughts, not thought

In line 5, you wrote ....He had thought about it a lot, it was etched in his mind. This sentence seems wrong, as if the first part of the sentence was completly in the past as in he had thought about it a lot but not now, then you continue with it was etched in his mind, it's like there's a problem with the tenses, a slight disconnect I think. How about something like... 'He had thought about it so much, it was etched on his mind.'

In paragrgaph 9, you had the psychotherapist holding his hand. That threw me. Is this his imagination as no psychotherapist would ever do this.

After he leaves, you had Dr. Ruth hating court cases and then a dislogue. Where did the dialogue come from? Was it from her memory? There wasn't really a contact to it, unless you are going to write this later.

If Mr. Conner killed 2 people, would he be allowed to leave her office? They would be in prison, he probably has handcuffs on. If yes, then perhaps you could discuss Mr. Conners stare, her emotions with meeting a double murderer. If he is a double murderer, would she flirt with him? Unless of course, it is your plan to have this scenerio in his imagination with further writing.

It is good so far, I just felt for me, I was not sure of where they were and of their body behaviour, unless it is in his imagination as he is being assessed and he mistakes signs from his psychotherapist.

Billy


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Review of Bitter-sour  Open in new Window.
Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this a lot as I felt I could relate to a lot of what you said.

How life used to be like and now what it is like now was interesting. When I look at old pictures, it is a different person who smiles back. I liked how you wrote your article and thought that it was descriptive and in my own particular case, very accurate.

Well done


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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

Very interesting story and a good introduction. It helps establish who Anna is and provide enough to show that there is an interesting background to Anna. There is also a lot of mystery to this, and also, for the character that is watching Anna and his/her mission.

There are a couple of little grammar mistakes. In the forth paragraph, you wrote "noticing a silhouette standing there pass the branches”. I think you should have wrote ‘past’, not ‘pass’

In the eighth paragraph, you wrote "remembered ruuning out of Samuel's shop in a hurry”. As you can see, running is wrong.

Apart from that, great story
5
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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi ShySharla

Just read your story.

Some comments about grammar / spelling and that but not many, I will focus more on the story. I am not an expert writer or anything like that. You can read over your story and see if you agree with what I say or not.

Grammar / spelling:

Paragraph 1, line 2: You wrote: “So we all 13 of us”. Not sure about the word “we”

Paragraph 4, line 3: But, not bt

Paragraph 6, line 3, hike, not hick

Paragraph 9, line 1 thinking, not thnking


Nice story about the girl being rescued and it would stick in her mind later on with the last line which was quite powerful. It was a good story, interesting in telling the reader about the girls feelings and why she felt that she had to run away. There are, after I read the story a couple of times, 2 areas that if you rewrote, could make the story much more powerful and match up with the final line which was powerful.

Your introduction I feel, was not very clear and was perhaps, the weakest past of your story. My problem was, I was not sure exactly where the girl was at the beginning of the story. You then mentioned one of the evening workers and then the two female workers. Who were the workers? What was their job title? Was the evening worker was of the two female workers?
You talked about all 13 of you going into the van. Was it 13 children? Did that total include the two female workers? Did it include the driver? WHo were the others?

For paragraph 5, I was a little unsure about and I felt was your other weakness in the story. One of the workers said she was going on a hike. This prevented me from thinking that it was an outing. Instead, it was like the worker was saying, I am going on this hike, you follow if you want to. The other worker also gave me a couldn’t care less impression. Why go on a hike if one of the workers was scared of heights? The two workers could have chosen a different activity that would have been more suitable? Perhaps if you changed some of the language to we are all going on a hike, stick together, some rules, etc. This would, I feel, help clarify the girls situation.

The rules don’t need to be too detailed but if your emphasised the importance of safety and what dangers they could face if they are alone, then that would help emphasise the drama the girl felt knowing that it was wrong to run away but she felt that she had no choice because she was so scared of Mary. Why, for example, could this girl not have stayed close to the worker taking them on the hike? She didn’t need to talk to the worker, just stayed close.

I feel that if you improved your introduction, and added to paragraph 5, it would help establish who your characters, perhaps their background to help us understand them more.

These little changes would make for a much more powerful story as the rest of the story in my opinion, is excellent.


Billy


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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi TB

Sorry to hear about your childhood, I'm afraid I can't comprehend that kind of abuse, having never undergone such things.

You asked for some straight forward feedback. I can only give you basic grammar feedback as I am dyslexic but I will give you general feedback concerning your writing. What you make of the feedback is up to you. I am not judging anyone in anyway, shape of form.

Your spelling of 'there', I believe is incorrect. For ex, in line 2, you mention 'there upbringing', I think you mean 'their'. You have did this in a few places.

Line 6: I think 'too', instead of 'to' would be better

You said your writing is not finished, perhaps you could expand on the following points:

You make a statement at the beginning of paragraph 4 about your mother coming from a Mormon family. I know nothing about the Mormon religion, in fact, I am not a fan of many religions but I was wondering. How did being a strict mormon contribute abuse? Is this common?

What words did she burn into her? Did these words tell you anything to help you understand her?

You stated that your parents were not evil people, I would agree. People nowadays, understand more about the effects of abuse. Although I never experienced abuse, I do suffer from depression (Medically, I have a hormone inbalance that contributes to this). Because of this depression, I know what it is like to have the red mist cloud your vision and that you may do something that you would not normally do. I would say that I can recognise, how you would feel compelled to do something that is wrong. It does not mean you are evil. What I am going to ask now is about this:

You wrote about your earliest memory when your mother slit her wrists? Can you remember if a specific incident sparked that? How do you think about it now? Have you ever anaysed this incident to try and understand? You present this incident as a matter of fact in written form. I think you could write more about this in an attempt to find some understanding.

Then there is your father's response. Have you thought about why he laughed? This is something you could write about as well. It would not surprise if you could write a whole lot more.

Then there is the dog incident, where you went into much more emotional detail as it affected you more personally. It is indeed, a bad thing to do, again, you could if you wish, expand on that more. Why do that? Was your father jealous of the dog? Why did you mother agree to this?

You couds go into these, or any other incidents in more detail. It may help provide you with understanding of why, but never acceptance, you know this. The guilt you are suffering is not of your fault and there is nothing that you could have done. Some may think that is cold but what did you do that was wrong, you were very young.

I would suggest that you try to write this in an attempt to understand what it was they were going through. Depression is a terrible disease, I have been there and in fact, I have written a lot about it and how I feel but I have never been able to adequately explain how it made me truly feel and I have not yet, been able to write about the most painful episodes of it. This understanding, if you can get it, will although not make the painful memories go away, they may, if you are lucky, make it easier to live with them.
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Review of PK Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear SylphLuna

Before you read my review, I am going to cover some of the meaning of your writing and to clarify it. By no means take it that I am an expert, I am not an expert writer or even a grammar expert. Just some discrepancies that I think I have noticed and perhaps you can look over them to check. I should also say that I am dyslexic so, check over to see if you have written it the way you want.

Interesting beginning. I quite like how you have established the character of Panda or Pandora. Your character can write, seems to be fully grown and marry at six weeks. That does introduce a lot of mystery which you seem to be aiming for. How can she be like that, who designed her etc opens a lot of avenues for you to explore. It would be interesting to go into that in more detail.

I did not understand the following part:

You mentioned that she was dreaming and then Epimetheus curled up beside Pandora. I am personally not sure if this occurred in the dream or did Epimetheus wake her up? This was not clear. Dreams when you think about it, can be unpredictable. One minute you are doing something in a dream, then the next, you could be doing something completely different so for me, it is not that much of a leap to be dancing in a room and then, be in bed or somewhere else. I guess in your story, that this happened in real life but it could also have happened in a dream. Just a little confusing unless you are going to go more into this later.

I think I saw a couple of grammar / format mistakes, very little ones but they can surprisingly, make a difference. Better check then to make sure they are actual mistakes.

Line 2. Put in spaces if you use a ‘/‘, eg. teacher / maid

Line 4. I have been told by other reviewers, convention states that numbers 0 − 9 are written, higher than 10, they are numeric.

Line 15. (I have not counted returns where there is no text, just incase you are confused)
You wrote "the only the box”, I think just one ‘the’
You also write: "I must discover what was in the box”. Not sure this is the correct tense, should you be using ‘is’ instead of ‘was’

Line 42. I had a little bit of difficulty getting this in my head.

She has wriggled out of bed, that takes time to do, lets say a couple of seconds. I am assuming he is strong and can easily overpower her. How did she overpower him when he has her hand on her? As soon as she started wriggling, he had lots of time to stop her, no matter how quick she is (unless she is a vampire in this current form) In the last line of the previous paragraph, you had her in the garden, so, she wriggled out of under him, got out of bed and ran to the garden, how many seconds does that take to get out of bed, stand up, run, lets say five or six seconds, depending on how far away the garden is away from the bed. Is Epimetheus a character that is going to be that slow and keep his head on a bed for that long? You might do that is you are playing, not if you are in shock, he would move much quicker if he was in shock. I feel that he would recover quicker than that. Just an observation.

Line 49. You wrote: "Surely it would help me keep him away from” Keep him away from what? I think you are missing the word ‘me’ at the end.

Near the end, you called Epimetheus, ‘Epi’. Does that not indicate a term of affection?

Just little things. I feel that you have written a good introduction and it sets up for interesting further reading. Look forward to reading more.

Billy
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Review of A moment in time  Open in new Window.
Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Alyssa

Read your story and I know it is a work on progress.

It is good so if I ca raise a couple of points.

Layout: You tabbed the beginning of the first four paragraphs but not the fifth.

I feel your second paragraph needs some work. You wrote about the blue water capturing the blue of his eyes. That is fine. Then you wrote about how his eyes capturing stars.

When I read this, I personally felt there was something missing (My opinion - you can tell me what you think)

Do you know how if the sun or moon shines on water at a certain angle, the ripples in the water reflect little disks of light?

That is what I saw when you mentioned water and then the stars in your second paragraph. You also talked about stars dancing in his eyes, that is how I feel when ripples move along with water, the light is dancing in the water.

Just a thought

Billy
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Review of Freedom  Open in new Window.
Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sarah

Liked the story. You use the word freedom but at the same time, attach a mystery to the words meaning. What exactly is freedom?

Why was being captive freedom for Prudence? and why is it a descent? Are you going expand more into that?

A little bit pick about spelling.

I think you missed the letter e near the end when you wrote:

....she hated this new home and on man in it...

instead of ... she hated this new home and one man in it

Billy
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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Raman Mandavia

Interesting story and does have the potential and does have the potential to become bigger, especially as you expand upon Anghin, Erylius as well as the Munnin Samna


The biggest problem for me is that the story is a little difficult to read. I think that this is caused by the layout of the text. Separate the paragraphs with a line. I know that if I write a story using Word, I separate the lines but when I copy it into this web page, the layout changes and I have to change the layout again.

Some paragraphs I feel are too long. Again, consider the layout. Is this the layout that you want? Perhaps you are trying to convey a certain meaning with this layout but I feel you may be losing some of the impact that you are going for

The first chapter didn’t flow as well for me as the second chapter did. Some sentences were too short, some perhaps need more emphasis. Consider line 7 where you just write 'Devour it.’ You italics the word devour, could you perhaps be missing and exclamation mark instead of a full stop.

For me, that was it. It would be interesting to read more about what the hunter experienced and what the Munnin Samma does about it and how any experience it goes through changes it
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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I get what you mean Amy

It is good that you don’t let others talent dissuade you, It is a trap I fall into cause I have no confidence to do so. I read other peoples work and I feel that they are so good whereas I am lousy. I also get the pounding of the keyboard relieves stress, with my keyboard which is rubber keys, they don’t have that click sound of a traditional keyboard, almost silent in a way but it is that constant noise you get that you know something is happening. Good using the keyboard as an example
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Review by billypaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your poem. It does convey how you are feeling and I understand completely what you are going through

Life will get better - keep up the writing. It is what I am doing to help me
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