An interesting tale but slow and vague in spots. There appears to be a lot of 'tell' and not enough 'show' which I think takes away from the story. The most interesting parts for me were when the characters interacted with each other. That was more 'showing' than 'telling'.
I've always believed in 'hooking' the reader with either dialogue are action, keeping them in the moment or on the edge of their seat. In that respect, the story fell flat and uninteresting. Always remember to keep your reader interested. If you don't make it worth their time to read, they won't come back.
-Bill
This was very heart-felt and relatable. I lost my Dad too. The older you get you'll start losing a lot of friends and family. It's all part of life. I've come to realize that those loved ones who die have got it made. They are in the Father's embrace and filled with love.
All the best,
-Bill
I did see this one boo-boo:
He didn't have a book to by, this is how you raise kids.
This is as cute as your little puppy. I loved its sing-song rhyming scheme which I am positive would make any child love it. There was one stumbling block I felt in the fourth stanza. It read . . .
The next day it was sunny,
The flea's spirit was bright,
There sat my little puppy,
Much to the flea's delight.
I feel (my opinion) that the second line where you use 'flea's spirit' could be changed to 'the sun's spirit' because you use 'flea's' again in the fourth line.
Excellent. This is a superb tale of future horror. I loved how you purposefully misspelled words to make it all the more realistic and creepy. In a Stephen King vein, you have approached the story with a similarity to 'CELL' (my all time favorite). Very good work that I highly recommend to everyone.
-WDWilcox
First of all, thank you Neva for entering my brand new contest. This was a chilling tale and just what i was looking for. I liked your line, 'spiders crawling up her spine.'
I noticed a couple of minor errors:
The door squeaked open, revealing the sitting setting sun shining through a broken window pain onto the cracked linoleum floor.
Shana woke up, sit sat straight up, and looked around.
Shana's eyelids fluttered and closed. From behind the couch, a two hands appeared.
Shana grabbed at the hand around her neck, trying to pry the finger(s) loose.
You got some real twisteroo going with this one, my friend. You get better every time I read you. Another good write filled with black comedy only The Angus could deliver, and deliver you did. You get a perfect five s for this one. Keep 'em coming!
mcakes,
I could feel your honesty in this piece. It's good to vent and there is always someone out there that feels the same and can relate to your words. As far as people caring about the writer, I think the characters you create will outlive what people think of the author. Harry Potter will outlive J.K.Rowling, Edward and Bella will outlive Stephenie Myers. It's just the way it is. Good characters are remembered more than the people who created them.
Winchester,
I saw your update and thought I'd check out your work. In short, it's good. It felt real, gritty, true-to-life. I like that. I stumbled on the first sentence, it didn't read right in my mind. Maybe it does in yours. Just my opinion. You said, “Don’t believe their lies,”the man next to me said. He was young, maybe forty, forty-five.
I think there's too much there. Instead try saying, "Don’t believe their lies,” said the middle-aged man next to me.
Just a thought. It reads better, has better flow.
All the best,
-Bill
Dragon,
What a fun read! I was thinking werewolf, but was pleasantly surprised at your creation of an all new horror. Good job! I also liked how you kept your creature secret until the very end. It's like a figure you see on the fringes of a dream and are not quite sure it's there or what it looks like.
I will be featuring this in the next Horror/Scary Newsletter.
-Bill
Shattered,
I thought this little horror was top-notch. It needs work like most stories do, but you have a good grip on horror and this tale has plenty of chills and spills. My only concern was how the story seemed to rush at the end. Events collided way too fast when you should have slowed it down and explained things better. In my experience, I've found that if your reader can make some sort of emotional connection with your main character then the more they will care what the outcome will bring. Develope you character more, let us see what is inside his head and why he behaves in this manner. All serial killers have a past that drives them to do what they do. I think you need that background here, this will help create that emotional connection. Perhaps he was beat or tortured as a child by his parents and told it was for his own good. Something of that sort will help flesh out your killer and help us to understand his motives. Let us see inside his head more.
Nevertheless, I will be featuring this in the next Horror/Scary Newsletter, in the hopes that you will glean more and helpful reviews.
This was great. Loved it all the way through.
In the next Horror/Scary Newsletter, I'll be doing a theme based on the plight of zombies. And this piece of yours is just made to order. So I'll be featuring it in the hopes that you glean more reads and reviews.
All the best, and congrats
-Bill
Superb. An excellent little tale of a young girls supernatural abilities and a loving father that is...how should I say...a bit disturbed?
Ryan has a knack for writing good horror and sci-fi. I have added him to my favorites list. After reading his work, I'm sure you will too.
I will feature this in the next Horror/Scary Newsletter.
Congrats Mr. Harris!
-W.D.
Wow,
Okay, Becca, stop reading my stories! I think they're starting to rot your brain (LOL)
This was very good, darlin'. I am amazed that a 15-year-old could write this well. I did notice a blooper though...'the [they] turned the voltage on the lowest ...'
I saw someone gave you a 3 review. Don't take it to heart. This is good stuff and you write better than most adults I've read here. Keep it up and you'll be giving your 'old man' a run for his money.
Love ya ,honey
-Dad
Very cool story Patrick, very cool indeed. I can see why Adriana awarded it. And yes, I will feature it in next month's Horror/Scary Newsletter. I hope the exposure will glean many more reviews for you. It is a very good read which held my interest throughout, and I am sure will entertain anyone who takes it up.
Bravo!
-Bill
Hello Rachel,
You really got me on that one. Very sad, but happy too in a solemn way. My favorite line was: :the truth that i have found is that baby we are christmas"
That brought a smile of knowing to my face and a warm heartfelt nudge inside.
Thank you for sharing this,
-Bill
Go down, Moses! What an awesome poem! When I read your stuff the pictures painted are perfectly clear, the emotions heavily felt. You are very good at this. Don't ever stop. Don't ever dawdle, but continue to weave. I see great things for you...can you say a published book of poems?
To anyone who publicly reads this, give yourself a great gift and read the poetry written by this author. You will be amazed and come away better than when you started.
-W.D.Wilcox
Oh, Rachel...that was so beautiful. I didn't know you had that in you, girl. Of course the gypsy shoes reminded me of some of the wonderful colors you wear on an everyday basis, but still, I was deeply moved by your words, the picture you painted of life and family, truly amazing.
-Will
Lou,
I hate bugs...always have. I found this piece of flash very creepy-crawlie--not because of the roaches--but because the character still wanted that chocolate cake.
Write On, an exceptional piece of cake-ish horror and the sickly-sweet mind of a character that has frosted over his true addiction.
-Bill
Bravo! Well said, and you drove the point home hard with that last line about the Bible being the #1 Seller of all time. And I liked your example using Ezekiel. Myself, I tend to like the imagery in Revelations. It's awesome and awe inspired writing.
~Bill
Shadowspawn,
It has been a while since last we talked. How are you my friend?
I have just finished your story and am it awe of the realism you have created here. Once it got going, I couldn't stop reading. It is crafted well enough to be publishable and I can only hope that you have tried to do something with it.
I have saved it to my favorites and next month will feature it in the Action/Adventure Newsletter. I am also awarding it a much deserved ribbon. Well done, my friend. Very well done.
~Bill
Hey, Dave!
I thought I'd drop on by and check out some of your writing. The first thing I noticed was that you didn't use too much description, and most of what you described was kind of blan. Like 'The street seemed normal' or 'Like monsters'. You never really describe what they look like. And some of your sentences are fragments, like, 'The trees now. Their branches bowing across the pavement. Groping for me.'
I think you should try to make the reader be in the scene with you, and the only way to do that is to stir them emotionally somehow--make them feel what you are going through.
What a wonderfully creepy idea! I loved it. But, man, you gotta doctor it up some, you got commas floating around by themselves and such. And you rushed the ending. Let the whole thing play out--slow time down and let the Yoder House scene unfold in all its horrific creepiness...lol. You are a natural. Just take your time and describe things as if it was you standing there. Your writing will improve and your stories will easily become five .
I wanted to thank you for emailing me about my last Horror Newsletter, "We Are What We Write". I am featuring your email as well as this story in the next issue. Congrats!
I think that this is a good chunk of writing. I'm impressed with how you were able to build the tension in the story several times without being repetitive. When she turned into a Kung-Fu Momma, you kinda lost me, but quickly brought it all back home. As for the ending, might I suggest she crawl under the bed to confront the Shadowed Evil and, as before, give it something it doesn't expect. I think that kind of courage is present in a mother, and would like to see you end it that way. Whether she makes it back alive or not is up to you. Anyway, I remember the email you sent me regarding my last edition of the Horror Newsletter, "We Are What We Write". I have included that email and this story in the next issue. Best of luck with this story, I'm sure it will be fabulous.
~Bill
jewelz,
This was hilarious. You had me right from the start. I saw a coupla things that need fixing, like “You mean are breast?” It should be 'our' breast. And, “Well, I am being[beginning] to wonder myself."
On top of all that, you were late with your entry so I cannot award you first place. But everyone that enters here is a winner...
Rudwung,
This was good, but it was so close to be VERY good. I guess the twist at the end kinda threw me. Who was dead, and who was alive? If the son was dead, how could he eat cookies?
The whole cookie thing was done very well. You have a knack for writing dialogue. It reads very natural and rings true to life. You are an exceptional writer and I want to thank you for entering my little contest...
-Bill
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