The idea of the piece is interesting but the writing needs work. Short piece can work really well if there are hooks to grab the readers interest.
The voice of the child is believable. You might want to work on the first sentence. It's a little confusing, maybe try something more like "Mandy looked at the empty bed. In her mind she could see Mummy lying there sick. She was always lying there."
Breaking up the sentence gives each part more emphasis and makes it very easy for the reader to understand what you are trying to say.
Jumping from the childs point of view to the father in so short a piece is a little confusing. Maybe it would be better to have to all from one point of view.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blackrabbit23
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:52am on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
