I love this story! I really feel the emotion you're trying to convey; the love, the longing, the loss, it's all so expressive and deep. The odd punctuation gives a kind of stream-of-consciousness vibe that suits the story well. However, I presume that English probably isn't your first language? Apologies if I'm incorrect, but given where you say you're from and the numerous grammatical errors and strange line spacing, that what I imagine to be the case. For that reason I don't hold the questionable English and grammar choices against you, though it did make the story harder to read. Not that I would be able to read it, but I bet this story would be absolutely beautiful in a language you are more familiar with. There's a lot of emotion here, and I hope you really keep writing to hone in on how to convey it properly and effectively.
It's such a horrible thing when someone you loved becomes someone you hate, and then they exist as both people in your mind because, at some point, they were both of those people. You wish and pray that they would just be the person you love or the person you hate and stay in that one box so you can let them back in or get rid of them completely, but that will never happen. I feel like you captured this struggle so well and beautifully.
Okay, love love Love this. It's beautiful and tragic, two of my favorite adjectives for a work of art to be. I don't think I've had an experience exactly like this, but the imagery and wording was so powerful I felt like I was living this moment with you. Very well done
I love this! I mean, I don't love what you went through, because that definitely sucks, but I really feel your pain, and the poem really brings my own experiences with this sort of situation. A couple things I would suggest are 1) use punctuation. It's not super necessary (especially with this poem specifically, because I didn't find myself confused at all due to the lack of punctuation) but I do think that punctuation typically makes poetry look nicer/neater. On the other hand, perhaps you were going for the kind of "stream of consciousness" type vibe, which is fine, too. 2) You have a solid rhyme scheme, but the other big part of poetry is rhythm/meter. Your poem doesn't really have any solid rhythm or meter, but that didn't actually bother me that much, it's just something that I think could possibly elevate your work to the next level going forward. Just some stuff to keep in mind. Great work regardless! Keep it up
Nice! A very short poem, but no less sweet for it. I would perhaps recommend fixing the cadence so it's more even overall (like getting rid of "tiny little" in line four) but honestly the uneven rhythm isn't too jarring and it gives the poem more of a cute indie vibe.
This is a really nice poem...It takes me to a place that I can't really describe any other way, but I really like to be there. Something I really like too is that you didn't go with a super strict rhythm and rhyme scheme. A lot of times when other poets will set a very rigid "this many syllables per line" with an A B C B rhyme for each for lined stanza, the tiniest little slip up stands out like a sore thumb. There's nothing inherently wrong with such "rigid" poems (they can be excellent sometimes), it's just that they're easy to mess up. Your poem here is a lot freer and it allowed me to go on a very smooth and uninterrupted journey to the world you see and I really enjoyed my time there. Keep up the honest work.
I really like the emotion in this poem. I really do feel the pain that you have in separation, but I also pick up a sense of happiness in the time that you had before. The overall tone is more uplifting than I expected going into it, especially given the subject matter, but I really like that the longing expressed in the poem is so full of love instead of regret or sadness. If I could offer some advice, it does seem that the rhythm is a bit clumsy at times as far as the amount of syllables in each line and how they're stressed. The poem is written to like it's supposed to have a very clear rhythm and rhyme scheme, so it would be nicer if it flowed a little better, specifically in the second to last line, which just seems too long. Just as a super quick fix I thought of, something that could work is
"So now arrest me, for I am willing,
To be your prisoner, I'll be here waiting."
Or something like that. But again, I really like the feel and emotion of what you're saying. I hope you keep it up and continue setting your feelings to poetry.
I like this! Very raw and vulnerable. It brought me back to my own childhood fears of the darkness and what might be lurking within. I did notice a few typos ("He didn't existed anymore" for example) and the thoughts seemed a little unorganized at times (mostly the sentence about the basement, which I wish got more time in the story) but the latter criticism could be just my own personal preference, since the slightly scattered nature of the thought process could also help put the reader in the mindset of someone panicking through their intense fear. Regardless, I though your piece was a very interesting concept that was nicely executed into a compelling tragic short story. Well done
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blakerivr.mp4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:35pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
