\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bleedingpaper
Review Requests: OFF
22 Public Reviews Given
22 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I focus mostly on my experience of your writing. If something seems like it could be more effective, or if something distracts from what I perceive to be the main point, I will let you know. Even if I love your work, I try to provide at least one constructive item.
Least Favorite Genres
Gore, horror
Favorite Item Types
Science fiction, fantasy, poetry
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels
I will not review...
Novels, unless they're really, really great.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Richard ~ Merry, Merry Author IconMail Icon! I saw this story posted in the Dreamweaver Lounge.

My first impressions:
- I love your first sentence, "None of the Bear's friends came to his shop anymore, not since the sickness had taken him." I love that this is intriguing and sets up this illness and its effect on Bear right away. It fosters sympathy for Bear, insinuating his loneliness and isolation in illness.
- This is such a cute take on how Mr. and Mrs. Claus met. It's a creative take on their history before their roles as holiday icons.

Some things I noticed:
- In your dialogue, the sentence following the first line of speech is capitalized, even when the dialogue wasn't a complete sentence. The dialogue modifiers are also all actions "Sternly, "I said drink it," Pointing at the flagon...", rather than the typical "he said, pointing at the flagon." I don't think it's technically incorrect, I just haven't ever seen that before.
- I wasn't clear what was wrong with Mary that no one would ask for her hand because of her infirmity. Was this infirmity fixed by the old man? I know she has a limp, but is that genetic or contagious?

My favorite lines:
- "He made quick work of the repair, molding a tight iron ferrule at the staves foot."
- "Mistress began to frown from the hearth area, but a wave of Myrddin's hand glazed her eyes over."


I enjoyed reading! Thank you for posting :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of playing poker  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hey there, Charlie Carrol Author IconMail Icon! I found your piece on the "please review" group page.

My overall Impressions:
- Because this is stream of consciousness writing, I understand that that results in very little structure, but even in this case I found myself confused for a lot of it. Who is the narrator? Who is "You"? How many characters are there, and what are their relationships?
- This piece has several poignant and meaningful lines, but I struggle to put it all into context.

My favorite lines:
- "Schrodinger's cat has always been stupid. Everyone knows it's dead."
- "Not everyone has to know your everything."


Some things I noticed:
- "I wouldn’t dare ask if you minded when I bit your ear or slapped you hard on the shoulder..." The tenses in this line are strange. This piece is in first person present tense, and "minded" is past tense. Make sure your tenses are consistent
- "It is self gratifying really, just jacking off with an audience when you tell me you will leave her and I agree."- I totally don't understand this line. What are you trying to say here? That intimate relationships with this person "you" is just like public masturbation? That this person is cheating on someone else?
- In paragraph 3 you introduce another "you" by stating "either of you." This is a little jarring, and quite confusing

Thanks for writing and posting, keep it up!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there Journey to find my voice Author IconMail Icon! I saw your story had won the writers cramp contest from 3/24, so figured I'd check it out!

My overall impression of this story is that the mother is... abusive? evil? You leave that to the imagination of the reader, which I definitely enjoyed.

I like the way you built up the tension, it's a regular day, but something about it is foreboding, wrong, threatening. Like the sixth sense intuition even knows that this is a bad situation.

Some things I noticed for potential improvement below. These are just my own non-professional opinion, so take what you will, and leave the rest!

Your opening, "I had woken up to a bright sunny day," could be a bit more interesting. I'm a big believer in having an eye-catching first line, and a regular, bright sunny day, isn't particularly catchy. Maybe focus on the "miserable feeling" in the first sentence juxtaposed with the regular morning descriptions to make a more catchy beginning.

Some sentences didn't read well to me:
- Because I knew that I would be getting in trouble for the coffee ring that is now on the kitchen counter. - This is a sentence fragment
- You capitalize "Father" throughout the story, was that intentional?
- And, for me to be able to escape my mother's prison, I mean house. - Starting a sentence with "and" is usually not a good idea. Instead of a comma, try using an emdash "—"

Hope this helps, keep on writing! Great story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Disguise  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is so short and sweet. Sweet in the sense that it's very effective, not that the idea is happy. I think it's really easy to relate to. Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Kaleidoscope  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you so much for writing such a personal and deep poem. It definitely feels like a very dark theme.

The fourth stanza stands out as my favorite. It's relatable, and clear what you're trying to convey. The idea of not being able to trust people in real life is an unfortunate reality we all face, and we all wish in some way we had the control we have in our dream world.

My main feedback is to change the font. I'm not sure how it looks on your computer, but on mine, the text is very difficult to read because it's so thin and grey.

I don't really understand the first two stanzas. What is "them" referring to? What roles have been reversed? In the third stanza this seems to be the heart and mind, but it's not clear.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Space Lasers!  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this piece on the Sci-fi short story contest page as the February prompt.

I really enjoyed reading this. I even read it twice- the first time through I wasn't sure I was reading it correctly when it all ended up being about pizza, but on the second read through the foreshadowing really came through in all its hilarity. I felt this particularly in these lines:

- Our cause is as popular as it just: most people agree with us, in principle, but they just aren't willing to do what must be done.

- Too many idiots are influenced by the wrong kind of culture.

I also appreciate your attention to detail when it comes to the science of lasers. I haven't done much research on lasers, but your statements about it seem believable.

I liked the nod to star wars blasters (the red streaks traveling at 40 m/s), assuming I placed it correctly.

Great job :)
7
7
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for posting this poem! I REALLY really enjoyed reading it. Some of my favorite lines:
- "I took a trip to my grandparents property in the mountains today
Funny, I saw you in everything surrounding me"

- "So, along the stream, I’ve dug small graves
For every skeleton you gave me"

That second one gave my chills. So well done.

My only real feedback is that I feel like these three lines didn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. To me, this poem is about someone who is visiting a stream with a feeling of rebellious peace. As in, "all of the s*** you did, it doesn't matter, because I'm at peace where I am. I can let this go." These lines trip me up from that main thought:

"Yet I don’t feel haunted, this sacred area is still a dream
You once held power, you incited fear
Now even the deer can’t help but sneer"

That could just be because I don't really understand what they're supposed to mean, though. To me, a "dream" is something lovely and something we wish for, but does not exist. So to me a contradicts the narrator saying that they're not bothered by this person's past tyranny anymore. I also am not sure about the deer sneering- are they doing this to get this horrible person from the narrator's past out of this peaceful stream? If not, sneering deer doesn't sound like a peaceful setting to me.

Your work on this is awesome, and those three lines were barely an issue for me. I just always try to include some things to think about in my reviews. Great job :) Keep writing!!!
8
8
Review of Self Motivation  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hey there! Thank you so much for posting your thoughts on self motivation. I am one who definitely believes in its importance, and am glad you feel that way, too. I found this piece through the Random Review page.

My main suggestion to you is to work on your sentence structure. There are several grammatical errors throughout that really make it difficult to follow your narrative.
9
9
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reading this poem definitely gave me chills.



At first the repetition seemed overdone, but in the last two lines it becomes obvious that this is from the perspective of the partner who has been desperately begging for decades for the subject to "wake up."



To me, this poem is about depression, and how time can slip by so so quickly when you're in the throws of it. It also expresses the hopelessness people around the sufferer feels in that they have to do it alone, and they don't know what they can do to help get them out of their illness.



My only suggestion would be to review the line "you don't have to sleep in today." I believe it's intended to inform the reader that the subject isn't sleeping in just because they want to, but because they're suffering from a tiredness that isn't cured by sleep. That said, I think there's a potentially more effective line to convey this idea, partly because I see sleeping in as something I 'get' to do rather than something I 'have' to do. The line something like "You've been sleeping for hours" or similar that conveys that the subject is more than sleep tired, but more clear.



Great job, thanks for writing it!
10
10
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I had such a good time reading this poem.
I really love how the tone starts off with a sense of almost despair. It doesn't matter where you are, a bad day in a city comes with so many inconveniences and aggravations that it's an "attack" on the senses. This is particularly true because of your use of the word "snarled", which was very effective.

The speed seems to pick up in the second verse- like an anxious and hopeless feeling person at the end of their rope, just listing alllll the things that are going wrong.

All of this tension is very cleverly released in the third verse, where you slow down, breathe, and take a minute to comfort yourself, and check you anxieties.

As someone who really resonates with the whole "one thing has gone wrong so all the things must be going wrong because apparently the world is out to get me" spiral of doom, I love this poems interruption of that cycle with an introduction of self soothing.

Very well done.
11
11
Review of Tammy  Open in new Window.
Review by BariRandom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey there! I appreciate that you took the time to write out this little interaction between several characters regarding a brother being late to pick up his sister from school.

My main feedback for you is to make sure you don't write in just dialogue. Since there are no indications of who is speaking (as in, there's no ".... said Tammy" or "... asked so and so") it can be difficult to follow and know which line belongs to which character. When you write in pure dialogue, it's also difficult to "show" details about a story since you quite literally have to "tell" the reader everything.

Consider adding some details about how the characters are voicing their dialogue (exclaimed! asked! said incredulously! with an irritated tone!), and include some more information about the setting and relationships between characters. For example, the first section, it's unclear to me who the brother is talking to. Is this a girlfriend who's upset she doesn't get time with her boo because of his dumb sister?

The story arc also feels incomplete to me. There's no resolution other than the fact that he does pick up his sister, and that she wasn't freaking out as he originally thought. Will the mother be upset that they're bringing home a new cat? What does the cat even look like (great opportunity for some cute cat descriptions here)? Is the girlfriend still angry, despite the beach trip?

Keep writing, I had fun reading!
11 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bleedingpaper