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Public Reviews
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Review of Fairy Pond  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wish I could write description like this. I got more than a picture, I got a feeling too. Great work!

I can't offer anything constructive except I did see where you used "off of". It seemed not right somehow. But then it also said what you wanted me to know. Maybe something like "next to" instead? I don't know, just wanted to let you know it was the only thing I tripped up on during the read. The rest flowed great, nice and smooth all the way to the end. Thanks for a great read. I'll have to work hard to maybe never get my descriptive writing up to this level, but maybe someday...

Oh, and... Welcome to Writing.com!
Erik
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Review of Luke  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!
You'd asked for a review of this piece in my forum quite a ways back and I am finally getting to it. My apologies for taking so long, I've had much going on outside of Writing.com. It looks like you are new, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying your membership here.

First off, this is a very powerful moving story and it is charged with much emotion for you I am sure. I'll be objective as I can about your story.

I think you have a very fine start of something to pull strong emotion out of any reader's heart.

You used good imagery and description and I was able, for the most part, to put myself there, in the story. Great work here, one of the most important things in my opinion. Great catchy sentences, the most correct grammar in the world, and all the rest of the bells and whistles don't make much difference if the reader does not feel any investment in the story. Great job.

Powerful this may be, but you have some spelling/typos and some grammatical errors in it. I can overlook these types of things and still get the gist of the story and even enjoy reading it. I can see from this story you can write, so I think the thing you need to concentrate on is error checking and revising. I'll point out a few of the places I see as having problems.

calmed me like on it could. You missed the ly for "only here.

the trip to The Outer Banks. "The" should not be capitalized here. Also, while I know where and what the Outer banks is, not everyone does. You might want to elaborate, perhaps say it's in North Carolina (it is truly a beautiful place too).

When the speaker changes, you should start a new paragraph. It helps to keep the reader on track with who is actually doing the speaking. Also, for items posted on writing.com, it's nice to have a blank line inbetween paragraphs. It makes reading it easier.

Look for sentence fragments, cut words doing nothing to advance the story (that, to-be, etc... see http://mem.writing.com/main/redirect.php?redirect_... for some great grammar and usage help), check for spelling/typos, and you will have a really great story here. A sad story well described, it only needs a thoughtful revision to really shine. Good job!

Erik
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi chelseamaree Author Icon!
You posted "We are all created equal" Open in new Window., in my forum "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., for review.
First off, welcome to Writing.com!

I'm not much of a poet. I know next to nothing of forms or styles. I do know good rhyme when I read it, and I can usually get the message a poet is sending. Beyond this, I am probably not your best poetry reviewer out there.

I liked you poem and it flow well for me. It is simple and says a lot to all (or it should).

I have an issue which keeps me from rating it higher. In my opinion, all races, creeds, colors, and sexes DO need to hear this message and they need to understand and live by it. Your two characters in the poem do not know for sure the entire rest of the class doesn't need it, and I think it would be the same for any class regardless of ethnic makeup. Many of the people who need to hear this message need to hear it out of ignorance and race or ethnic origin has nothing to do with their ignorance. As you say, "It may be news for them" applies to the whole class the girl is speaking to and indeed nearly every other class in the world. Stating a specific ethnic group "may" need this message slants the view the reader receives from you and if this reader is of the ethnic background to single out, you've lost your credibility, and lost your arguement or assertion of what you have stated with this reader. Yes, we are all created equal and this means all 'groups' of us have people who need to hear this message, not merely one group or creed.

Okay, I'm off my soapbox, back to the review. Except for the issue noted above, this is a charming and simplistic poem. The simpleness of it makes it good and enjoyable to read. I did enjoy the poem and it does put out a great message. Good job!

I don't have anything constructive to offer other than what I already have. A good poem and I enjoyed reading it and writing the review. Thanks again for posting this in my forum!

Erik
Keep writing, because I like to read!
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Gen Author Icon!

Here's my thoughts on your piece, "Songs from Paradise (1st Song)" Open in new Window., which is part of your ongoing saga I have been looking at for you.

I liked this short piece. You described the scene well enough I can visualize it and had no trouble understanding what was happening. The flow is logical; it makes sense and doesn't bounce around aimlessly.

In your second paragraph, I'd write out twenty rather than using '20'. This is my preference, most times I have seen endorsement for writing out the number up to nineteen, but I will usually write higher ones out if they are not hyphenated such as twenty, thirty, and so on. Ditto this for the '18' feet you use a couple of paragraphs later.

I feel like you've described the sloth well, 'he' looks like a sloth to me! You've also captured his emotion and feelings. I'm convinced he is in great fear. Your short descriptions involving the wolves is perfect, not too much so the reader gets the sense they are shadowy things of the night to be feared.

At the end I agree the sloth is pretty joyfull, but I wonder if he'd really let out a loud roar of joy seeing as how he'd narrowly missed being extinguished by the wolf pack and they are still not far off. I can see inner happiness, but outwardly fleeing; more like a dog with tail between legs sort of thing.

I liked your last paragraph. You added a lot of 'roundness' to Little Chimu in just two sentences.

I don't know how this piece relates to a song as suggested in the title, but it doesn't bother me.

As I always suggest, look for things to cut to improve conciseness. I don't really see much here in this respect, but it is one of the best things to do in any writing.

If these creatures or characters are going to appear later in the 'chronicles', you've made an excellent introduction for them.

I can't ofer you much more constructively as I don't see anything wrong.

Great job on conveying a scene and the emotions of the creatures involved, It came through to me clear as a picture. I'm impressed and happy I read the item!

Erik
Keep writing, because I like to read!
5
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Review of The Dragon's Rift  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!
You posted "The Dragon's Rift" Open in new Window. in my review forum, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. for review. So, here is your review! *Smile*

You have three chapters in this book so far and I enjoyed reading them all. The story is somewhat familiar; the heroine (or hero) is pulled to somewhere magical accompanied by strange and/or odd acquaintances and must assist those in the other reality in their battle against evil. Now, this isn't to say it isn't worth reading because it's been done. Everything has been done at least once. The thing to make it worth reading is what the author puts into it and how the author says it. You've done a great job here, I'm interested in the story even though I probably have read a number of similar "type" stories. Will yours be just like all the others? No, I'm sure it will not. I'm hoping for some surprises later and there have been a couple already. For me, it reads smooth. It doesn't come off as "forced" and your character interactions are believable and move the story along, good job!

I don't see any problems with your writing. Your spelling is good and your grammar is too. It doesn't appear you have overused any unneeded words like 'that' or the "to be" family, but you might go over it really closely to see if you can get even more concise. If you can say the same thing in fewer words without losing the thought or emotion of a sentence, the read is so much better for the reader. It's always something to look for.

Your dialogue is good. It seemed natural for the characters to me and did not come across "formal" or make me wonder if the character would really have spoken as you have written their parts. In his book, On Writing, Stephen King says, "I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops." You've done a fine job of keeping those pesky adverbs out of your dialogue. You might look over your dialogue for any use of adverbs. I think there are only a couple or three out of all the chapters, great job!

I noticed in chapter two, there are some references to violence. You don't come right out and say death or get really gritty, but you might look at re-rating this as ASR content rating. It is only my opinion, a moderator might be able to give you a better feel about it. Having made a couple of minor mistakes, I know what one person thinks is okay for a rating might not be okay to another. For me, E means no scenes with lifeless bodies or bloody rooms regardless of if you mention death, killing, or anything of this nature or not.

I can't find anything else to be constructive on. I think you have a great start on good story here and what you have so far has captured my attention. I'd read more if there was more to read. I will be checking back in the future when there is more of the story available and will re-rate this item if it is warranted. All I've said is with the intent of trying to help you, I've either failed miserably, or hopefully, been of some help. These are all just my opinons and you should regard them as such. It is ultimately up to you, the author, to decide how best to proceed with your work.

Thanks for the enjoyable story! If you have any questions, please, let me know. I'd be happy to answer them if I can.

Erik
Keep writing, because I like to read!
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi!
I found your prologue up for review on the review request page, and thought I would have a look at it.

First off, I'd like to note this is apparently a first draft or 'rough' draft of your prologue so I am going to review it in a general sense and not get into the nuts and bolts of it.

I am interested from the start, and the overall story concept works for me. I want to know why Omistas is involved and how he is hooked into this prophecy the prologue speaks of. A good hook to keep the reader going is always important in a prologue or first chapter. Good job here.

I commend you for writing this mostly in present tense, a task that can be difficult to say the least. I ran across a number of instances where you have mixed tenses in a sentence - the danger of writing in present tense.

I like your descriptions, they are well done. In a couple of places they are (in my opinion) too much. Just as I would be getting a picture in my head, you would add more description and cause me to lose my own picture. Description is a great tool, but you want to leave some things (especially mundane everyday things) for the reader to supply her or himself. Too much description tends to bog down the reader and helps them to become distracted from reading your work. Also, when writing in present tense, too much description can take away from the 'now' feeling present tense is intended to supply. Your first description of Omistas blocking the arrows with magic is drawn out to the point I couldn't believe he would have the time needed to go through all he did to block the arrows. Maybe he did have the time, but the way you described his actions made me think it was taking him a long time. When writing action in the present tense, the reader expects action scenes to be faster moving and too much description takes away from it.

I also came across a fair number of places where you use a singular word where the plural is required and vice-versa.

I found two or three sentence fragments in the piece also.

The first thing I would do with this piece is put it ino a word processor and run a spell/grammar check. Your spelling (except for the missed plurals) is good, but a grammar checker will point out some things for you right off. Of course, a grammar checker is not the end all be all tool, but they do have their uses.

I like the potential this story has and the way you've tried to write it in present tense. For these reasons I'm rating it a little higher than I would otherwise. I feel if you go over this carefully, fixing the simple mistakes (plurals, tenses) and make some of your descriptions more concise and/or trim them down a little, you will have a very good piece indeed. I would be happy to look at this again afterward and re-rate it for you.

I've tried to be constructive and everything I've mentioned here, was mentioned with the intention of helping you. Also, they are my opinions and you may or may not agree. I hope I have been able to help, because this piece does have potential!

Keep writing, because I like to read!
Erik

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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Gen!
I'm going to try to give you some thoughts on this very nice poem with regards to your rough outline item:"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

By itself, the poem is very good and it is easy to see you gave careful thought to constructing it. It says something all by itself as a stand alone item. I enjoyed reading it and it did not really cause me to 'stumble'; that is to say, It did not read in a halting or jerky manner - good flow.

To digress some: I usualy don't do public review of poetry - each piece of poetry means something to the author (not that other writings don't), and it is for the most part, for me, subjective to the reader. Poetry, in my mind, is supposed to be loose so many people can relate to it in many different ways. So the best thing is to state how the poetry made you feel. People will either agree or not as it should be. Also, I am by no means any kind of poetry expert or even novice (try reading some of my mediocre poetry sometime - that'll prove it). I know next to nothing of forms, I'm not real tricky with rhyme schemes, etc... These are all just my opinion and thoughts, blah blah...So, now, on with the rest.

As I said I like this as it stands. As a stand alone item the authors note at the bottom is fine. I feel like if it is part of a collection of stories the authors note should be replaced with either a short intro of who is doing the ballad or a post piece. Or just "As sung by ____". I don't think you want to pull your reader out of the collection of stories by mentioning the author unless the author is a character in the story.

I'm for conciseness if possible even in poetry. In your first stanza, I think you can cut a few uses of "the" without hurting it. Cut "the" in the second line, cut it in the third and add "their" before posts. You could also cut "the" from both places in the first line if you wanted, but that might change the cadence too much. I don't know, just something to ponder; I don't see it as an improvement, rather a matter of preference.

Your second line in stanza two seems unwieldy what about "marched on to storm the gate."? Also you may not really need the "on" in line three. Ordained is here for a reason I am sure but I wonder if there is some other word maybe? None comes to mind, however.

Stanza 3 line 1 - my preference here would be to replace "the" with "this" - just one of my things. I like the ev'ry you use for effect here. I don't like "that" even though it catches me a lot. What about "From boxes harsh voices could speak in." or something to replace "that"? Again, more personal preferences.

Stanza 4 line two "As" could replace "And"

Last stanza - more "the' stuff Was this man well known as "Scientist"!

All this is just me trying to give you some things to consider. If anything helps, I'm happy to have done so. If not or you like it as it is - so do I! There really isn't a durn thing wrong with it the way it is. I only searched for some possible things to hlep you and I could very well be wrong about anything I have written. So feel free to ignore everything if you like. *Smile*

Great job and yes, I think it fits in very nicely with what I have already read! Thanks for letting me read more of the continuing saga of your project, I'm enjoying it - a lot!
Take care, friend and fellow author
Erik
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi!
Thanks for your nice paper! It's well written and I enjoyed learning from it. I appreciated the way you communicated the information to me, I felt at ease during the read. You have good style for non-fiction.

I'm diving in to review this and hopefully will have a suggestion or two to help.

You left out "the" here: expression from period 1928-1945

I would use a comma here after "case": In any case here’s

Your third bullet - the first sentence is really long. It isn't incorrect, but maybe two sentences would be better for the reader to comprehend or absorb. Also I think whereas is one word.

Here you use "are" but your subject is singular ("outcast") you should use "is": one or more characters are usually an "outcast."

I'd use a colon here after example: roles (for example, women

I noticed you have an extra space before your last bullet.

For readability, I always type out numbers less than ten. usually 1 narrator

"That" is extra here and not needed I think: The idea being that, o.k.,

This is all I can offer in terms of a constructive review and it isn't much because you write very well. I hope I've been able to help you.

Everything else about your paper is very nicely done. It is interesting and informative and kept me reading it. I'm glad I did! I have done literally tons or reading, but I could not have told anyone the basic differences between the two types of writing. Now I can, great job!


Keep writing, because I like to read!
Erik

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!
I thought I would review your story, so I am! *Smile*

Your story is interesting and very well written. I must say I wasn't "hooked" into it until paragraph three. There is nothing wrong with the first two paragraphs, but my attention was not grabbed until the third one.

It seems like I am a couple years close to your age and I remember the riots in the South, and of course I remember hearing about Kent State (I grew up next door in Indiana). Reading on I began to fell some nostalgia for the mid 70's though lord knows I would not want them back. I remember wondering what living in a commune might be like, and I thank you for your story of one. I remember, as a teen male, really really liking micro-mini skirts. *Blush*

I also enjoyed learning something of Mobile's upper social structure and your view of the chains it places upon its very members. I'm glad you were finally able to "connect" with your elder family members.

All this adds up to your story doing a great job of informing me in an interesting way. I felt as though I was there seeing the events you described happen (and I'm sorry if I rambled on a bit). Great job!

On to the grammar:
I don't see much, nothing sticks out as a big problem, you write well and I read your style easily.
I think my issue with the first two paragraphs is they don't read as well for me as the rest of the piece, I'm not sure about it though.

My pet peeve - "that" and "had - had" You must use it (that) sparingly which is great! *Smile* That is nearly always redundant and not needed. I think I saw at least one place where you might test for "that" being needed. Simply put, if you can take it out and nothing changes, "that" is not needed.

"We also left in July because not only was I fed up with the charade of life in the commune but I also had to be"

This sentence seems kind of awkward to me. Maybe something like what I have added in blue or some other way of writing it ( a comma between commune and I?), maybe two sentences?

"going to chastise me, ignore me, embrace me, or just tolerate me?"

Here you left out the needed commas for your series. You must place a comma after each item all the way to the conjunction. Just is also a word similar to that. It can be used more often, and in this case I agree with its use.

"forgot there bridge hands "
Here I think you typoed - you want "their".
I'm digging around and I really see little else of a problem. Your grammar is fine, great job!

(discalimer - Of course these are only my opinions as a non-published amatuer writer and not an English major)

Thanks for a really interesting read, I think you have a very nice piece here! *Smile*

Write on!
Erik
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi!
I thought I would review your story, so I am! *Smile*

I review in two parts; the first part I write about flow and readability and how I felt during the reading of the work. In the second part I write about grammar and mechanics. I usually do some sort of summation at the end.

I try to write the review in a helpful and constructive manner. I do my best to not come across mean, I want to help if I can. My opinions are my own and you are free to use them or not as you see fit. *Smile*

Flow:
Very nice flow and description, I'm right there in the scene with you. I love it! Your story, er dream pulled me from one paragraph to the next. Not much in the story took away from the meaning or interrupted my "movie" playing in my head. Paragraph five was a slight stumbling block for me. I thought, "Green reflections?" but no matter, it's a dream, all subjective and I haven't had an unfortunate encounter like this so maybe green would be right. Then at the end of the paragraph I was a little confused as to what you might have meant by, 'white knuckling it closer and closer'. Did you mean the wheel, your hands, your body, or just what did get 'knuckled closer and closer'? Minor, very minor but I did stop and re-read that on the first time through. A very nice job on the flow, way to go!

Mechanics:
I looked this over very closely because there isn't anything I see really wrong. I'm no grammar expert, but mistakes usually point themselves out. I may have missed something - I'm notorious for misusing commas so I could have missed a problem in that department. The following are just some thoughts I had while looking for grammar problems:

In paragraph four - 'Thump, Thump, Thump.'
I realize this is for emphasis and it didn't hurt the read at all, but I'm wondering why each word is capitalized - I might italisize them or something. I don't know; it isn't bad, I just wonder if there might be a more effective way to do this. Also in the last sentence of this paragraph you don't capitalize the 'oh gees' so I wondered at the earlier 'thump' part in relation to this part. Also and my personal preference (I don't mean to appear to rewrite here) is to use 'geez' rather than 'gees'. For me it is a more tense form of the expression.

In the next paragraph, again this is all very minor, I notice you use a singular term and then tell me of two items - 'I see it! Two tiny green reflections'

In your second to last paragraph you say the unthinkable happens, but you have been leading up to the unthinkable happening the whole time. I wonder if there might be a more shocking way to say this without using 'unthinkable'?

All I really have to say here. I think this is excellently written and all the above are just minor things I'm offering for you to ponder on. A very good job on the mechanics as I had to really try to find something to comment on!
Oh, one other thing - everyone who has read very many of my reviews knows how I hate the use of 'that'. I noticed right off you did not use it very much. Great job! Of course, my usuall comment here - if you use it even once you should see if you really need to have it at all. Try removing it from any sentence you find it in. If the sentence still makes sense and sounds good - it's redundant!

Overall a great smooth read! I'm glad I don't have this dream on a recurring basis! Yes, you put me right into the dream as I read the story, great work!
Erik
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Review of Dawn Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi!
I thought I would review your story, so I am! *Smile*

I review in two parts; the first part I write about flow and readability and how I felt during the reading of the work. In the second part I write about grammar and mechanics. I usually do some sort of summation at the end.

I try to write the review in a helpful and constructive manner. I do my best to not come across mean, I want to help if I can. My opinions are my own and you are free to use them or not as you see fit. *Smile*

Flow:
The flow was very good, I was sucked right into the story and read straight through to the end without any hiccups. Your style put me in the story with Elian, indeed I could easily assume his role as I read. Your descriptions were also good and I had no problem visualizing the scene and its characters. A very good job, a nice easy and fast read. I like fantasy, but unfortunately I often find many words and names to be stumbling blocks during the read. You didn't use any here - hooray for you! *Smile*
Overall great flow, very smooth!

Mechanics:
I looked pretty closely and I didn't see any real problems at all. Good job!
While not technically incorrect, I have a personal issue with the use of 'that'. Many times is is simply redundant. A good test is to remove it straight out and see if the sentence still works. If it does, you don't really need it. Of course, people have gotten so used to seeing 'that' everywhere you sometimes get comments on it being missing. It really is a filler most of the time and usually un-needed. You use it a number of times in this story and while it doesn't hurt the story one bit, taking it out in some places might tighten up the whole piece, make it more concise. All this said there really are a (very few) times it is needed.
So, if that's (<-Ack!) all I have to mention the mechanics must be really good too and I think they are! Good Job!

Overall, a great opening to a larger story and I (as the reader) want to know more - exactly what you want for a prologue or first chapter! I enjoyed reading this very much!

Erik
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Review of A Writers Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this, thanks for sharing it! *Smile*

You need to put an s on "lie" in line two.

Since you used (..) in a few places which I agree are better than commas for those lines, why didn't you make them true ellipsis (...)? This is more of a question than a suggestion, the poet does, well what the poet does. *Smile*

I can't see anything else I can comment on to be constructive. Good Job!

Again, well done! I like it! *Bigsmile*

Thanks for the read and keep writing!!
Erik
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Review of Fridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi!
I thought I would review your story, so I am! *Smile*

I review in two parts; the first part I write about flow and readability and how I felt during the reading of the work. In the second part I write about grammar and mechanics. I usually do some sort of summation at the end.

I try to write the review in a helpful and constructive manner. I do my best to not come across mean, I want to help if I can. My opinions are my own and you are free to use them or not as you see fit. *Smile*

Flow:

The read for me was pretty even and uninterrupted. Few places if any caused bumps or slow-downs here. The beginning of the story sets the tone; there is a lot of screaming and yelling going on, but it's to be expected in a situation like this I would think. The writing led me from one chuckle or smirk to the next. I did hit a couple of mechanics things but they were minor in relation to the flow of the read.

I enjoyed reading the story, quite entertaining and easy to visualize and be a part of as I read it. A good job on the flow and communication of the story you are telling. *Smile*

Mechanics:
Picking your story apart, I did find some uses of my favorite pet-peeve word, "that". It's my pet-peeve because it creeps into my own writing so much. There are times when it is needed, but they are seldom and few. Most of the time it is redundant and only serves to make writing less concise.

George chose not to hear that remark - maybe use her here?

...yell at the top of his lungs so that Jean could hear him.
...he said that it’s fully operational.
“He said that perhaps one of the...
We know that! - Maybe use "it works!" here.
There are a couple of other places where "that" is used and looks like it isn't really needed.

...from the kitchen closet, broke it across her knee and left...
It's my opinion you need a comma here after knee.

That’s crazy thought George, until he noticed...
I think you need to have a comma here or italicize the thought of George to set it apart from the narration. While on this subject, the whole paragraph containing his thoughts on the refrigerator repairmen should probably be quoted, italicized, or set apart in some way. Regardless, I snorted a chuckle at the last sentence of this paragraph.

“Is everything all right now?” quietly asked Jean.
In this sentence you should probably reword the end of it. Something like "Jean asked quietly." or "asked Jean quietly."

I've said a bit about the mechanics and I don't wish to make it appear the story needs a lot of work. It would benefit from some work, but none of what I have written about really hurts the read or makes it difficult to read and enjoy this story.

It has been my pleasure to read and to review this story, it brought me a number of grins and smirks. I hope I have been politely constructive and have helped in some small way.

An enjoyable quick read that brought some humor into my day, thanks! *Bigsmile*

Keep writing!
Erik
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Review of The Review Mixer  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
One of the many GREAT things here at Writing.com!!

I really hate "that" - you use it a couple of times where it isn't needed. I only mention it because I hate the word so much (it catches me all the time), and I always want to try to give something constructive in my comments.

Thanks for running this! A really nice thing to have here!
Erik
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Review of The Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Erik Stark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi!
I thought I would review your story for you.

I review in two parts; in the first part I look at flow/voice/storyline/and how I feel about it during and after the reading, in the second part I look at the grammar and mechanics. I usually do a summation at the end.

~Disclaimer~
I always review with the best intentions and to be constructive and helpful. I never intend to insult or "pick" on someone's writing or their abilities. I am not an English professor so I may miss some things and/or make mistakes. My opinions are my own, and you are free to use them or disregard them as you choose.

Flow:
The piece flows well. I didn't get "stuck" or "hung up" anywhere while reading the piece. The first section was a good mystery and kept me reading into the work. I got "a little" tired of all the "he" uses. I understand though as the first section he does not remember who he is. All the "he" uses didn't kill the story or take away, just something I did notice as I read into it. Overall though, the flow is good and kept me interested and reading onward. Good job! Your discriptions were good and I could easily visualize the room - good work here also.

I liked the piece, I'm a sucker for what I call lukewarm ending stories (sad circumstances but it's supposed to be that way, pulling at the heart kind of things like this story). I'm sure many of us believe and hope that our endings are merely a beginning and the "white light" you write about in the last part of the story is true for us all.

Mechanics:
I commend you on not over using (indeed not even using) my pet-peeve word, "that"! I didn't see you using any of the other things many people get caught at either (myself included). Just and had-had to name a couple of them - Great job!

On the desk he found a blotter, a pen, a blank pad of paper and a phone.
You left out a comma after paper in this sentence.

The sound of his wife,Lydia, crying
You missed a space here between wife, and Lydia.

Open the door, let me go."
In this last sentence of part 1: My opinion is you should use an exclaimation point here or maybe even two. Bobby is quite excited at this point judging from the previous sentences.

turned the knob,pushed the door open
You also missed another space here.

I had to look pretty closely to find the things above. You have done a very good job on the grammar and spelling. Speaking of spelling, I didn't see anything wrong there.

As mentioned above in the flow section, you use "he" quite a bit. Even after the reader is introduced and given the main character's name you still use it fairly often. I think you could greatly improve an already really good piece by trying to limit the "he's" and "she's" in this work. I think that in doing so, you will bring the reader into the story even more than you already do. Using names and other ways of referring to your character(s) make them much more "personable" to the reader.

I'd like to say I enjoyed reading this story and I also enjoyed reviewing it. Your style is good, you keep the flow moving and there are few mistakes, none of major consequence to your story. A good job, great story, and a pleasure to read / review it!

Thanks for the good read and keep writing!
Erik
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