This story reminds me of the game "Truth or Dare" played by kids over numerous generations. I like the buildup as the anxiety of the midnight adventure draws closer and closer. Then, once they enter the Fun House, the fear takes over and intensifies as Kevin finds himself alone, hearing only the screams of his friends and the haunting, laughing, voice of the unseen villain, or evil force. I get the feeling that a Norman Bates like character is behind the abduction of Kevin's friends. An easy ending would have been for the three kids to escape and to develop a healthy respect for potentially dangerous places, not to mention the laws of trespassing. Instead, you have two kids disappear, leaving Kevin tormented by fear and probably guilt. He is internally wounded by the experience. I really like the fact that the two kids are presumed dead, but no one really knows. This is a good, disturbing story.
I much prefer a stroll through the forest than a mall, especially during Christmas shopping. Your poem illustrates the connections between human senses and the forest, and thus, nature. It makes me think that despite all our wonderful technology we are still creatures of the world. The structure of the poem is balanced and descriptive with a lot of meaning packed into simple, clear language. Try using the same approach in different settings like a doctor's office, a traffic jam, or the absolute madness of a mall during Christmas shopping. Keep writing.
The rhyming scheme and flow work quite well. I just find it weird that a bee would eat two slices of brie, which is cheese, right? So, on one hand, someone could say it's just a cute little poem, stop being grumpy about the cheese, but then, maybe another word would work better than brie. The last line is the only problem. Maybe something like..."because nothing in life is for free." Who knows? Just something to consider. Keep writing.
Karlis Smith
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