I think you did a great job in your story. I loved the twist in the end; it was really nice. However, the Author’s Note at the start of the story made me guess that the ending would be, so when I got to the twist I wasn’t surprised anymore. I already guessed that it was all a chess game even before I reached the part where it was revealed.
Just a little suggestion: Maybe you could remove the Author’s Note at the start of your story. Your beginning is already strong enough to keep the reader hooked until the end.
Very nice job! Keep it up and write on!
Just here to help,
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You are the fantasy newsletter editor right? Just wanna let you know I enjoyed reading the newsletter. Indeed, I found it very helpful. Thank you!
Now on to my review: Nice story! I absolutely loved it! You kept the tone consistent and the plot was well-constructed. However, there are minor things I would like to point out:
Come on, don’t worry none. I was wondering about the word ‘none’ here. Is this some kind of slang expression?
But I don’t smell smoke? Shouldn’t it be a period?
And you, you’re suppose to be an example to your kids. ’supposed’
“Why can’t you just leave us alone? I yelled. Just some little typo here… You forgot to put the closing quotation mark.
Your story got me really scared. I’m glad Zack and Penny survived. I feel sorry for their mother though.
Hope you find my review helpful even in the littlest way. Write on!
Just here to help,
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Good job! However, the story left me with some unanswered questions. Who is Mike T? Is he your classmate? And why did Mr. Biggers have to announce it to the whole class? That’s awful, ‘cause one of my high school classmates also experienced that kind of thing. His father died, but it wasn’t announced in class by the principal. And I would like to know more about Nicky, why he seemed so important to all of you.
Anyway, I know you can’t answer all of those questions in a 300-word flash fic. That’s why I would like to suggest that it would be nice if you develop this into a longer story. Let me know if you decided to do such a thing and I would be glad to review it for you.
Some corrections:
Viet Nam War Vietnam is one word.
…Mr. Biggers, the principal came in… ’Mr. Biggers, the principal, came in…’
You know, I totally agree with you with this one:
And a war being waged half a world away barely touched us in our safe, close-knit, and idyllic little community.
It’s just so hard to believe that something bad is happening to the other side of the world when you’re not really being affected by it. It just seemed surreal.
You could put more shock and sadness in your story though. But for a 300-word story, this is a really good job!
I liked your story. It wasn’t all that dramatic, but the emotions were there.
The setting and descriptions were fine, and I especially loved the metaphors and simile you incorporated in your story.
Maybe you still need to elaborate on the love that Shawn is feeling for his daughter. Maybe add a few memories he had with his beloved Courtney to show how much he loves her. The part with his wife Lori was okay, I could feel the resentment he had for his wife, his patience with her, the tension… it was all good.
He reached the front door but before he could bring himself to open it he paused I think it would sound better if you put commas like this: He reached the front door, but before he could bring himself to open it, he paused
his head hung like his neck were a strand of cooked spaghetti. ’was’… nice comparison though
He looked back to Courtney, her Little Mermaid pajamas were wrinkled from a full days wear and he knew where his future was. I think you should omit ‘were’… then it should be ‘full day’s wear’… I was wondering about the end of the sentence, seems kinda out of nowhere. Maybe it would be better to construct a new sentence with that.
I just want to suggest to you to put spaces in between your paragraphs. It would become a lot easier for the readers to read it from the computer.
That was a really nice heartwarming story. I liked the light tone you used by focusing mainly on the plot instead of tarrying the story with a lot of unnecessary descriptions. I liked the simple way you narrated the story, although sometimes I get confused with whom the pronouns are referring to. Also, I got bothered with some of your paragraphs; it seems like you didn’t put spaces in between the shorter paragraphs.
There are also some things I noticed:
It’s very narrow”, she commented.
>You forgot the opening quotation marks.
The two labourers walked away to their own homes and lunch.
>’…and ate lunch.’
…rods dangling hopefully over the shallow pebble bottomed stream.
> I think it should be ‘pebble-bottomed’.
The children wondered why their mother put the painting there instead of in the more formal living room.
> I think you should drop the word ‘in’.
She smiled at them and answered that the dining-room was the right place for it. They accepted that but still wondered.
>Also drop the dash in dining room.
She did the laundry that they brought home in their new duffel bags ensured that that their favourite foods were served at meal times.
>”…bags and ensured…”
The twins’ were too wrapped up in themselves to notice anything amiss.
>No apostrophe here.
When they met, they stopped turned around to face the younger son.
>’…stopped and turned around…’
He thought he saw his brothers' smile at him and one lifted a hand in farewell.
>Again no apostrophe, because ‘smile’ here is a verb, not a noun.
They too had lost beloved children, sons who had grown up with of the twins and their brother.
>Omit ‘of’. This sentence kinda sounds awkward.
But in the painting before him, the boys’ heads up and they were both smiling, looking directly into their brother’s eyes.
>’…boys’ heads are up…’
One last thing, what was the significance of the painting being placed in the dining room? I thought the answer would come in the end…
Overall, I enjoyed reading it. It was nice. Good work!
You know I really liked how you managed to familiarize the reader with your characters. After reading it, I felt like I already know the lifestyle of an assassin. I liked the way you developed the train of thoughts of the main character, Corbin.
I just noticed some minor grammatical errors in your story, and that’s with the use of an apostrophe.
The warm hands leave my face for a second and coldness rushes to take it’s place. Sometimes I deserve it, but other’s …
>There should be no apostrophes in here.
The tense was alright, although there were some instances wherein the present tense sounded awkward to me. Maybe because I don’t get to read a lot of stories using the present tense. You did a good job, though.
Well, that’s it! Just keep on writing!
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I was wondering about the word ‘none’ here. Is this some kind of slang expression?
Vietnam is one word.
I think it would sound better if you put commas like this: He reached the front door, but before he could bring himself to open it, he paused